WORD OF THE YEAR: INTENTIONAL

Intentional: done on purpose, deliberate

Intentionality is something I've found myself meditating on a lot this year. Intentionality in many different aspects, specifically in regards to relationships. Intentional in my parenting and time with Thea, intentional in the relationship with my husband and being a wife first and mom second, and intentional in strengthening my relationship with God and making designated time to spend with Him. I think these are all areas that pretty much all of us strive for.

But one that has been coming to me recently is being intentional in friendships. 

We've been doing a series at church called "One Another" that has just really brought these desires home and convicted me. I think as adults, maintaining friendships is something that falls by the wayside in the busyness of all the other things I mentioned. Of course, our relationship with God and our spouses and children are and should be our priorities but if there's one thing that has really spoken to me during this series, it's the importance of friendship. Not just surface level friendship, but truly caring for people and finding people that you can be transparent and do life with. 

I can look at my life and see several friends. People I work with, people I go to church with, friends from different facets of my life. But when I'm honest, there's not many that I could consider those real kind of friends. People who you talk to outside of work, outside of church, etc. People who invest in your life. People you can share struggles with without fear of judgment. 

I don't say that as a "poor me, I have no friends", I say that because I haven't been intentional in this area. I haven't done my part to be invested in the life of others. I've often struggled with insecurity and wondering why some of my friendships have never moved beyond the workplace, church, or wherever. Why even people who I do consider a friend always seem more interested in hanging out with someone else. Or why there just seemed to be a lack of connection beyond the superficial. It feels really vulnerable to say that...but then I realize that that's exactly where the enemy wants me to be. When I am lost in that mentality, when I struggle with the insecurity, I don't step outside of my comfort zone. I don't initiate conversations or go out of my way to make someone feel that I truly care. 

In this series, we learned how God calls us to LOVE one another, Share our BURDENS with one another, CONFESS to one another, SERVE one another, and to MOTIVATE one another. These are the marks of true friendship and why God shows us time and time again that these relationships are important. Why He tells us not to forsake the gathering of believers. When we pour into other's lives, we'll find that they'll likely pour into ours too. BUT even if they don't, we are still called to be that kind of friend. Maybe I'm the only one that struggles with this and lets the busyness of my own life hinder me from developing these kind of friendships, but I'm convicted to make that my goal. The definition of intentional, as I posted at the beginning, is "done on purpose" or "deliberate". That means it takes thought. For some people this is a gift that comes naturally, but probably for the majority it's something that means we have to deliberately decide to do it. And that means stepping outside the comfort zone and maybe feeling uncomfortable. Thank you to the friends who have spoken into my life. Your friendship means more than you know.

GROWN UP NIGHTMARES

It's Fall. Cold outside. I walk outside to find him around a fire at a party with his friends. I try to talk to him but his friends keep diverting me away. I have family visiting so I walk away to tell them bye as they load up to go back home. When I near the fire again, I can see that he is crying. I want to comfort him. But I also need answers. Finally, he agrees to meet with me. We seek privacy in one of the bedrooms. I ask him "Why?". Deja Vu. I feel like we've been here before. Isn't this what happened last time? This out-of-the-blue break up? I'd made sure to always ask him if he was happy this time. I'd begged with him to talk to me before it ever got to this point again. Give me a chance to fix it. But here we were. He looks at me with tears in his eyes, offering no answers. I stare back at him, my eyes begging for this not to happen. Then something changes. Gone are the tears from his eyes. Instead his eyes grow cold. A smirk appears on his face. "I'm just not attracted to you anymore. You're not sexy." It's like a dagger to my heart. I stand up and walk to the door, looking at him again with tears in my eyes before I walk out of the room. I don't want him to see how much he hurts me. I collect myself and walk back into the room. The cruel smirk is still on his face. "I'm pregnant." I counter, as an excuse for my un-sexiness. "Nah, even before that. I haven't been attracted to you for years." More spiteful words are said, every insecurity I have flowing from his mouth. Finally, I take off the ring that sits on my left hand and place it in front of him. I exit the room and shut myself into the bathroom before letting the tears flow freely. I hear the bedroom door shut as he leaves. For good. My mom comes into the bathroom to comfort me and tells me everything will be ok. But I know it won't. Despite his cruelty, he's all I want. 

I woke up crying, saying "No!" rather firmly into my pillow. I reached over to Chris to assure myself it was just a dream. His side of the bed was empty. I looked at the clock. He shouldn't have left for work for another few minutes. I panicked and called out to him. He came into the room. Real-life Chris never wears that cruel smirk or cold eyes. He hugged me and I could calm down.

________________________________________

I'm at work when I receive the worst phone call you can get. There's been an accident. It's Chris. He didn't make it. I refuse to believe the news and continue about my work day. I don't understand why people are looking at me with sad eyes, offering their condolences. "It's not true." I say with a smile and decide to drive to the scene to prove it. On my way to the gas station where it supposedly happen, I receive another phone call. This time it's Chris. "I told everyone it wasn't true!" I smile into the phone. His voice is sad. "It is true, baby. I'm so sorry. Know that I love you more than anything. I have to go." Still not understanding, I beg him not to hang up. I'm about to arrive at the gas station and I can prove it. But he's already hung up. I pull up to the gas station and see the police tape blocking off the entire parking lot. I scan the lot for his car..for any wreckage. I see none. A good sign. I try calling Chris back and no one answers. I continue about my day. Later, I receive a call from my bank about wether I need to switch the names on the accounts. Strange. Why would I do that? I still continue going about my day normally. Still not understanding the sad looks directed at me. I talked to him for goodness sake! Walking down a hallway towards an elevator, I receive another call. This time from the insurance. All at once, it finally hits me. He's gone. This is real. I will never see him again. Kiss him. Grow old with him. "You can't even wait a day?!" I scream into the phone before stepping into the elevator and throwing it against the wall. In the privacy of the elevator, I lose it. I pound on the wall, scream, cry. I won't survive this.

I woke up hysterically bawling. The dream had been too real, too vivid. I turned over and threw my arms around Chris, who was startled awake by my cries. "What's wrong?" he asked me, concerned. I couldn't answer. I just gripped him tight and continued to ugly cry for at least 30 minutes. After I finally calmed down, he asked me what my dream was about. Just the question made me cry again. It was a few hours before I could tell him.

________________________________________

These are a couple dreams I've had just the past few weeks- the first one actually from today. Worse- each time I managed to fall back asleep, I fell right back into the dream! These are my nightmares. Isn't it funny how as we grow older, they stop being about psychotic killers or monsters chasing us through the streets? I almost wish for those.

I've heard that pregnancy could bring on disturbing or vivid dreams, but this is like my sub-conscious is force feeding me my worst fears. I have never in my life cried so hard from a dream as I did that last one. Writing it out, putting my fears out there for you to read, I wish I could say now how silly it feels. But it doesn't. It still affects me. I spent basically that entire day praying to God for Chris's safety, terrified that I would receive that phone call for real.

I often joke with my husband that I love him too much. But it's not really a joke. I feel like I would not be able to go on without him and would die right along with him like in The Notebook or even some real life news stories I've seen of elderly couples. I know how melodramatic that sounds and that a lot of you probably just rolled your eyes. But whatever. It's simply to explain that losing him- wether through death, divorce, or anything else preventing us from spending our whole lives together- has become my biggest fear. And the evil sandman knows it.

The truth is though, that we never know when loved ones may be taken from us or when a marriage may come to an end. We should strive, every day, to make sure that the people in our lives know how much we love them. We should work hard on our marriages every day and not take our partners for granted. Marriage is a gift. I've already worried about how parenting will change my own relationship with my husband. I've seen so often how "Mom & Dad" completely replaces "Husband & Wife". I'm not saying that parenting isn't important and should fall to the sidelines- it's another gift and blessing from God that should be cherished. But it shouldn't mean that your relationship as a couple falls away either. It's so easy to get caught up in the busyness of every day to remember these things. But we have to make it a priority! God has given us these people and these relationships so let's take care of them.

MOMMY WARS

There was a lot of things I expected to come with pregnancy- excitement, morning sickness, a growing belly, stretch marks, the famous glow- and I wasn't disappointed with most of those expectations. Forever jealous of the women I see with full term pregnant bellies in these beautiful, goddess-like, bare belly maternity pictures without a single stretch mark!

One thing I did not expect was to find so much controversy and debate in my research and preparation- aka the Mommy Wars. 

From breastfeeding vs formula and c-section vs epidural vs natural (drug free) birth to the ever hot topic of vaccination vs non-vaccination. Any search on the internet about almost anything baby related will bring up conflicting ideas and views. Which is great for someone like me, who likes to know all my options so that I can make informed decisions. 

Unfortunately, where the problem comes in, is how much hate and mommy slamming I've seen people post about the opposing view. 

"How could you give your baby formula, breast milk is the only way."

"Women who have a drug-free, natural birth are way more empowered."

"C-sections don't count as giving birth."

"How could you vaccinate your children?? Don't you know about all the harmful chemicals you're injecting them with??"

How could you not vaccinate your child? Don't you know you are putting the rest of our children at risk??"

So much condemnation and criticizing isn't helpful for anyone. I think that for the most part, all women, as mothers, are just trying to do what they think is best for their babies. And for new moms, looking for information, it makes it really hard to ask questions for fear of judgement. What should be a welcoming community where moms can come together to discuss and learn has turned into a "who does it better?" competition.

Here's the way I see it....And these are just my opinions...

Yes, there are many amazing benefits to breastfeeding from health and nutrition to saving money on formula. BUT for some women, breastfeeding isn't an option, whether they are just uncomfortable with it, their milk doesn't come in or come in enough, or they simply just don't want the added responsibility of needing to be constantly available for baby to an even greater extent. As far as vaccinations, there's SO MUCH research that can be done. I don't know nearly enough and don't feel like I ever will. But ultimately it boils down to this to me... there's risk either way. Either there's risk of negative reactions to chemicals when you choose to vaccinate or there's risk of sickness and disease by choosing to not vaccinate. And by far the saddest debate out there, the way you choose (or the choice is made for you) to birth. I've seen the rudest remarks about c-sections in particular and how they "don't count". I've seen the egotistic better-than-you attitude that comes with an all natural birth and how "empowering" it is. I started to feel guilty about the fact that I'd always just assumed I'd have an epidural since that's just the way most people I knew had done it. To this I say- If you are a mom and have given birth in any way, shape, or form then you are amazing and empowered just as much as any mom next to you. Empowering is carrying a child for 10 months (why do they always say 9??) and knowing that this is exactly what your body was made for. And whatever means of delivery, the end result is the same. A beautiful human being that relies on you for the rest of your life. What's more empowering than that?

The point of all of that is just to say that we never know the experiences and situations of anyone else. Your choices, while the best option for you and your baby, are not necessarily the best choice for another mom and her baby. But what we all need is a community being supportive and where we can feel comfortable talking about our experiences.

A BLOG BY ANY OTHER NAME...

This blog has under gone many changes since it began. First as Nine in the Afternoon, to A Cup of T, and now, finally, to just plain Tiffany Caram. As I contemplated changing the name of the blog yet again the usual questions I always ask myself began- "What is the general theme of my blog?", "What do I write about?",  "Does my title reflect that?". I've tried to do "cute" names but, obviously, they don't really stick. I feel like I outgrow them, that the blog and the things I write about change as my life does. As I do. I've longed for something that represents me and no matter what changes take place, stripping it back to simply my name will always represent me.

I've chosen the tagline "finding my place". The one thing I have found constant throughout life is change. Whether good or bad, you always seem to have to learn to find your place over and over again in different aspects. As I've gotten older, I've found my place and my voice in this life more and more. In marriage and motherhood- I have found my happiest place. But even in that, I will continue searching and growing and changing. 

I have struggled to find my place with this blog over the years. Writing has always been a means of therapy for me- venting, confessing, understanding. But there's a reason people always keep their diaries secret. It's where you are vulnerable, where you aren't always at your best. It's different to write when you know other people will read it. So why blog? What is it I want out there? Well, I've always wanted this to be a place to share my life, my thoughts, my ideas. I just thought I’d start this little blog to write about what I wanted to write about. Maybe people would read it and maybe not. Maybe someone who did read it could relate. Maybe they would find it nice to know that they aren't the only ones going through something or having those same thoughts and ideas. Mostly, I just wanted a place to write my little heart out about whatever was going on in my life. 

But I keep this blog as a way to connect, as a way to share my heart, and as a sort of virtual scrapbook of memories. When I go back and read over the posts of the last few years, I can see how my interests and my voice have changed, where God has worked and guided me. It's a reminder of His blessings. But I don't just want this blog to be about me. Yes, I want to continue to write about my life, my faith, and my impending journey through motherhood, but I want it to be more. I want it to be a community. I want to inspire and be inspired. I want it to be a place to share together. Not a one-sided conversation. Life, faith, motherhood- these things are amazing and blessed and a gift, but they can also be hard. How precious is it to share and gain strength and encouragement from one another? The glorious thing about blogging online is that we can connect with people from all over the world, from all walks of life. My hope is for this space to be a place where we can learn from, support, and encourage each other. Whether we feel like we’re breezing right through life without a care in the world or we feel like we are struggling to simply take our next breath. We are all just trying to find our place through the changes in this journey of life. God is always there to guide us through but He's also provided us for each other.

So yes, as I am trying to find my place here in this virtual space, I have changed the name again. But this time, it'll stick. =) I know most of you read from the mobile version so you don't even see how the design on the blog has changed, but those of you on the web version will notice my tabs have moved to the left side under my picture. I've updated those as well so check them out. I'm including the links here in the blog for those of you on mobile. Just click the links below.

ABOUT ME      ABOUT MY FAITH      MY BLOG ROLL      LETTERS TO THEA

Also, remember, if you have me on your blog reading list, you will need to change my URL to "tiffanycaram.blogspot.com" to get the updates. 

As always, thank you guys who take the time to read. Let's continue our journeys together.

THE HAPPIEST REASON...

Well, it's been almost 2 whole months since I have posted to this dear old blog. An emotional, sick, beautiful 2 months. In the past 2 months, I have cried, slept, and thrown up (gross, I know) more than any other period of time in my adult life. For someone who is generally never sick, not very emotional, and a huge night owl...it's been hard. I haven't felt like myself. I've cried to my incredibly supportive, caring, and amazing husband how sorry I am because I don't feel I've been able to be a wife. 

BUT...these have also been the most amazing, beautiful couple months of my life. Every time I got sick was just a reminder of this sweet blessing growing inside of me. 

A sweet, fellow preggo friend of mine sent me this today...

This is so absolutely true! Every miserable, nauseating, exhausting, overwhelming second has been so completely worth it. I've felt a twinge of guilt any time I've said that I was feeling bad or had any complaint because this is the greatest thing that has happened to me. And I wouldn't take back even one second of it. As envious as I may be of these people who have had perfect pregnancies with zero side effects, I wouldn't trade one part of the process that is leading me to motherhood.

Also, I am happy to say I am 13 weeks today and have officially entered in to the last week of my first trimester! It is amazing what a huge difference this has already made. I have felt SO much better this last week. I have to brag on my husband because he has been the best caretaker. Pretty much taking care of everything from cleaning up to cooking dinner while I laid in bed every night. Never complaining or having an attitude but just being so loving instead. I really hit the jackpot with this one, guys! So incredibly thankful for him. Hopefully now that I am feeling better I'll be able to take back over the wifey stuff. =)

That's really all that's been going on in my little world. Just wanted to put an update out there. Now that I have a little more energy, I should be blogging a little more. 

Right now I just feel really fat and uncomfortable in these pregnancy pics and HATE taking them. However I know at the end , I'll love having the whole thing documented. So there they are.

FOR THIS CHILD I HAVE PRAYED...

This is the BEST news I have ever been able to give....

I'M PREGNANT!!!

It's a little blurry but that little screen for sure says "pregnant". I've only checked it about every 5 min.

It's out there. It's real. I still can't believe it! I took 3 different tests (4 if you count the one I took a week prior and mistook as negative) and just stared at each one! Not gonna lie, I still have the first digital one and I will keep picking it up to stare at the words "pregnant" until the battery dies. We found out January 25th and it was confirmed by the doctor today, February 4th. I'm estimated at 7 weeks! Find out for sure by Friday. *Although I am pretty sure already given they had me tracking my ovulation and I can pretty much pinpoint conception.*

Thank you everyone for all the prayers over the last 9 months since I shared our struggles with conceiving. We are feeling so excited and happy and just kinda floating on Cloud 9. I don't know how anyone ever keeps this in for the whole first trimester!!! I always thought I would be someone who would do that. But we've had so many people in prayer for us that I couldn't not share this huge blessing that you've all been praying with us about. I wanted to tell the world the moment it happened. It was hard enough waiting to have the doctors appointment to confirm.

So reactions....

Mine was ridiculous. I bawled. Not in a "happy tears" kinda way. I was terrified. The first test I took was just a test strip I got with my ovulation tests. I was so scared that I was reading it wrong. That I was just not getting something right. It couldn't possibly be positive. 

**Let me explain... if you've ever taken the kind of ovulation test that is just a test strip (not the plastic ones you get at the store) then you know they aren't the easiest to read. It's basically judging how dark or faint a line is compared to another line. With an ovulation test, if the line is ANY fainter than the one that comes on the strip then its negative. When I used the pregnancy strip the week before, I figured it was the same thing. The line was faint so I threw it away and tossed it up to my cycle being crazy and abnormal as always. Another week later, I decided to take another one, not really believing it would be different. That's when it hit me that the package of the pregnancy strips did NOT have the same results. No line was negative and ANY line was positive. This led to lots of staring and comparing. And then all the bawling.*** 

Basically I was too scared to be happy at first. I've been planning on telling Chris is some cute way and that was completely ruined. He came into the room to me sitting on the bed bawling my eyes out. He hugged me tight as he tried to figure out what had happened. After a minute of not being able to speak, I finally got out "maybe I'm pregnant". He obviously was a little confused by my reaction. He smiled and just reminded me that this is what we wanted. I showed him the test strip and then made him go get me a box of the digital ones at the store. I wanted one to just straight up say the words so there was no mistaking me reading it wrong. We went by the store on the way to church so I wasn't able to take it till after. But then I got the words I've been looking for for 2 years. Finally I let the happiness and excitement and just pure joy take over. Chris had a big smile and he hugged me tight. I can't believe how cool, calm, and collected he's been through the whole thing. I am freakin out!! In the best way. I also planned on waiting to tell the parents. I've had it all planned how I would get an annoucement picture done and just have them over for dinner and give them the picture. That didn't happen. I couldn't wait to share all this joy with someone. We told the parents the same night. I took video of my parent's reaction. Didn't take my mom long to figure it out on her own. Apparently it's "all over my face". 

I wanted to wait until after the actual doctor's appointment to tell the rest of the family. Over a week I had to wait! Brutal. Again...how does anyone wait a whole trimester?!  Yes, I get that there is a reason... but God forbid that something does happen (I can't even THINK about that without crying all over again) then I know having the support of family and friends would be a lot easier then feeling like I had to carry the burden alone since I never told anyone in the first place.

And now I get to share it with the rest of the world. 

There's so many of you out there that are still in the waiting process. I just encourage you to stay strong and have faith. You guys have been such an encouragement to me these last few months and gave me the strength I needed to not let myself get discouraged. It CAN happen!!! 

Excuse the jumbled emotion of thoughts pouring out in this post. I'm just so dang excited I don't think I could try and make sense of any of it. God willing, in just 9 months I'll have a baby!!! I'll be a MOM! Craziness.

MEAL PLANNING

I have always been pretty good about cooking. With the exception of the weekends, we typically have always eaten at home. Then came the busyness (*that word always looks so wrong to me*) of this past summer. With 2 weeks of being gone on vacation, and the following weeks spending late nights working on the house, and then moving....I got off track. And for some reason, I never quite got back on it. These last few months have been the most I've not cooked in our entire marriage. 

A couple weeks ago, I started writing out a meal plan. I figured maybe if I wrote it down then I'd be better about actually doing it. I got a cute little calendar with notes on each page, perfect for writing out the grocery list. That Saturday I sat down to write the first 2 weeks of plans. 

5 1/2 hours later I was done.

5 1/2!! There has got to be an easier way! Some of that time was spent finding recipes (I think a lot of the problem with not getting back on track with cooking is because I am sick of just meat and veggies all the time) and then writing the things I needed for each recipe, and then organizing all that into a grocery list. It's time to make the next 2 weeks menu, and I am planning on working a little each night on it so it doesn't eat so much of one day! Although specific recipes usually cause us to spend more than usual at the grocery store, it has been fun cooking and trying new recipes.

And it has worked so far! I've cooked every night this last week and even cooked the whole weekend! I think it definitely keeps me from backing out when there's already a plan. Written in stone guys. =)

How many of you make a meal plan? Have you found a more efficient way? What are some recipes I should include (preferably PALEO)?

RINGING IN THE NEW YEAR WITH A GRATEFUL HEART

Well another year has passed and a new one is underway. This time of year is one of my favorite. Still coming off from the magic of December and into the freshness of new beginnings and endless possibilities, people seem fulfilled, refreshed, and determined to be the best that they can be. 

As the world is solidifying resolutions, vowing to change and better themselves, and looking to the future, I find myself looking back. I find myself reflecting on the past year and the overwhelming amount of gratitude I feel. There's no other version of my life I could imagine that would be better than the one I have now. 

Are there things I want to better myself at? Of course. I want to journal/write/craft/read more. I want to lose weight/be healthier/take care of my body better like anyone else. Are there things my heart desires? Yes. A baby. Being more faithful to in-depth bible study and strengthening my relationship with Christ.


Those are all good things. Setting goals, striving towards being the best me that I can be- it's a great thing. It's important. But it's also important to recognize and reflect on the ways that God has provided for, cared for, and blessed me already in this life. 

As I reflect on my life, I feel gratitude for God's unending love and grace. In all the ways I fail  Him, in all the ways I need to better myself spiritually- He never gives up on me. Never stops loving me. He continues to shower me with blessing after blessing. 

I think about another year I got to spend with my husband. I swear I fall more in love with that man everyday. Not even 5 years ago, I would have never been able to tell you that we would end up together much less be where we are now. Today, people comment all the time about how amazing our relationship seems and how in love we seem. Do we have a perfect marriage? Obviously not. Do we fight? Of course. Is it amazing anyway? I think so. The years I've spent as his wife have been the best of my life. And that's just another example of God's grace and blessings. He was able to take something very broken and make it amazing.

I think about another year I spent at my job. I love my job almost as much as I love my husband. And that's saying a lot! I love getting to be even a small part of these kid's life if only for a short time. My prayer is that in someway I get to make an impact in their life. I love getting to spend my day teaching and being creative with my kids. I love that I get to work in a Christian environment in a ministry that is passionate about teaching kids about God.

I could go on and on about everything I am grateful for in my life. Maybe the life I have seems boring to some. Maybe they see nothing special. But it's mine and I love it. I challenge you, in this time of determination and goal-making, not to forget to take a moment to thank God for what IS.

Here's to ringing in the new year with a grateful heart and accomplishing all those goals in 2015!

LETTERS

A couple months ago I started another blog.

I didn't plan on posting the update links like I do for this one. I still don't. It's not a secret or anything. There's a tab titled "Letters to Baby C" at the top of my blog that leads you directly to it (on the web version of my page) for those who care to keep up with it after this post.

The blog is exactly what it sounds like. A simple page. Nothing more than letters.To my future child. Letters I will continue writing throughout their life. I talk in the first letter about my apprehension of starting this blog now and why I decided to go ahead and do it. 

Like I said, I didn't and still don't plan on posting update links for this one. However, for some reason I feel lead to post today's letter. For whatever reason that might be... HERE IT IS

RESENTMENT, LOVE, AND FORGIVENESS

I started my day almost in tears. Of anger. I have an unjustifiable resentment/anger for someone who isn't even really in my life. The more the situation is mentioned, the more it builds. Just a friend request and message set it off this morning. If you know me, you know that I pretty much love everyone. I've been told I'm too forgiving (no such thing by the way) and I don't really hold on to a grudge. It takes a lot to cause any sort of resentment in me. I shook my head at myself this morning, chastising myself for having such a strange and weird reaction. And this person hasn't even done anything to me personally. But then it hit me....

It hit me that I feel this way because of a similar situation I experienced. I guess I need to back up a little and explain. Here's the watered-down short version...

The first 9 years of my life consisted of a lot of instability, abuse, and many other grown up things that children shouldn't be aware of. **I don't say this for pity. In fact, I have a hard time mentioning it in fear of that. I am fully aware that my situation could have been so much worse and there are so many children that never escape. I am forever thankful for God's hand in my life and His provision and guidance in bringing me out of that.** I was born to addict parents who were in and out of jail, and eventually prison. Basically, they were not able to care and provide for 3 children the way they needed to be.  

When I was 9 years old, I went to live with a new family. 5 years later I would be officially adopted. There was a time in those years that I was returned to live with my biological mother again. I don't know how long I was with her before she made the decision to send me back to my family. It was the single best thing she has ever done for me. I still respect her for that decision. It was the only memory I had of her truly doing something for ME. However, even though I respected that decision and absolutely wanted nothing more than to live with my new family forever, I resented her. Simply because I was old enough to understand that this was happening because there was something in her life more important than me. Drugs, partying, etc. My sisters and I were not enough to make her stop. I resented her because I was old enough to understand that I had experienced things I shouldn't have had to. I was old enough to KNOW. 

That is not the end of the story, thank God. I no longer feel that way. God has given me the ability to forgive and let go of that resentment and establish a friendship. Hopefully one day I will be brave enough to share the entire story. My testimony. That is not the point of today's post. When I think about WHY I feel so inexplicably angry and resentful towards this person, I know it's because it reminds me of that. And it hurts me even more to see children I love face the same thing. You see, my oldest sister is adopting 2 precious little kids. Their biological mother is the "person" I have been talking about. The whole process began with my sister trying to help her. Taking her kids and caring for them while she did some stuff she needed to do to get her life in a place she could be the best for her children. In this time, she has had another baby boy. Which another sister of mine is fostering until it is decided if the mother is doing what she needs to do to care for him or if he will be placed for adoption. Long story short, she has proven over and over again that she is not doing the things she's supposed to. I KNOW what it's like to be the child in that situation. To feel like you are not important enough. To be old enough to realize that when your mom disappears for a few months it's not because of anything good. It kills me that these precious babies have the chance to feel that too. I know that all I can do is be there to love them and show them exactly the opposite, just like my family did for me. I wish I could talk sense into her. That I could tell her from the kids perspective how her choices affect them. I wish I could tell her that adoption- that letting them go and working on getting herself clean- is the best thing she can do for them. That THAT is the decision they will look back on and respect.

Today, as I arrived to work and had our morning prayer meeting, my boss gave us a little devotion about how our responsibility as Christians is to love people. Love. Ironic? Nope.

BABY BUSINESS

I've had several people ask me about the doctor's appointment and I know even more people praying for us, so I wanted to give y'all an update on where we're at (I'm getting much better about talking about it =)). First, thank you all so much for praying for us and for the words of encouragement I've received from so many of you. As hard as it was to talk about all of this initially and the feelings of embarrassment I felt, it truly has helped knowing there are so many other people who have felt the same way and to see the different stages other people in this situation are at. Makes it less scary.

So, I finally had my first appointment yesterday. I say first because there are already 3 more on the calendar! It's going to be a process and a few months before I have any real answers, but I am already feeling much more optimistic just to have a definite plan now and have the process started. 

At my appointment, my doctor checked my cervix and took my blood for lab work. My cervix is good and I will get the results from my lab work next week. I am going in next week to have a sonogram of my ovaries to make sure there isn't any abnormalities there. 

What I learned yesterday was I have an almost-abnormal cycle. No surprise there. An normal cycle is 28-35 days. Mine is on average 34 days with several cycles skipped altogether. This may be causing me not to ovulate at all. Which is as easy a fix as taking a pill every day. So before anything my doctor wants to find out when and if I am ovulating every month. A large part of the problem is what I was using to track ovulation times before was based on an average cycle. [[ I feel really stupid for not realizing this! I can't help but wonder if we'd have a baby right now if I had. Especially if that ends up being the only problem. ]] So for the next couple months, I will be taking ovulation tests and tracking everything the old-fashioned way- on an actual paper calendar. =P Then I have a follow up appointment in January to go over that info and come up with a plan based on that and the results from the other tests. 

Also, my doctor told me to start taking Similac prenatal vitamins. Similac specifically. I already had some prenatals (that I never even started taking) but I got the Similac ones anyway. Doctor knows best. =)

And that's where we are now concerning Baby C. Again, thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate them so much. 

2 WEEKS AGO

I have picked up my computer to write a post several times the last couple weeks only to keep putting it off. This time not because I didn't know what to write about but because I knew exactly what I needed to write- exactly what I needed to get out.

It's been a rough, emotional couple weeks. Two weeks ago, for the first time in probably a year, I needed to take a pregnancy test. Two weeks ago, the words "not pregnant" caused my heart to break a little. And a little more the week after that.

I promise, 98% of the time I deal really well with the fact that we aren't getting pregnant. I don't know if it's the fact that 13 *I think that was the last count* different acquaintances/friends have recently announced their pregnancy. (That's not an exaggeration. Baby Boom 2015 y'all.) Or the fact that it was the first time I even needed to take a test in a long time. But for whatever reason, it hit me really hard. I didn't try and get my hopes up- in fact I had a ton of other logical excuses for what else it could be- but it still didn't stop the tears from falling. Luckily, I have an amazing, supportive husband who is there every step of the way.

So, today I have officially taken the first step to finding out what is preventing us from conceiving. I made a doctor appointment to be examined. And I'm terrified. I guess that's why it has taken so long for me to actually do it. There's always been some reason to put it off. And as much as I look forward to at least just finally having an answer and being able to move from there in the right direction...it also makes it so much more real. Something could be wrong with me.

I have a few weeks until the appointment, but if you think of me, I wouldn't mind the prayers. 

THE POST I DIDN'T WANT TO POST

I've noticed that I do not blog about very personal things. Not really. Not the raw, real stuff. It's funny because writing has always been the way I deal. However, where I have a hard time is putting it out there for others to see. I always kept a journal but there was always a fear of someone reading it to hold me back a little. Not because I have something awful to hide, not because I want my life to seem perfect and care-free... I can't really pinpoint why. Maybe fear of judgement? Maybe it seems to personal? Maybe inappropriate to be so open? But then I think...that's life. I know how much it sucks to look around you and it seem like everyone else is so strong. I also know how refreshing it is when someone is so completely honest about something that you feel finally like you aren't the only one. And ultimately that is what I want writing- what I want this blog- to be. A place where I can find refuge, as I always have, in writing. But also a place others can be encouraged. So I've been urging myself to write about things whenever I am upset, sad, discouraged, etc. Not to say I want it to be a raincloud of depression over at Nine in the Afternoon, but basically just to include ALL of life. Good and bad. 

With that being said, the following is something I really, really have not wanted to post about. The urge to write about it here came a few weeks ago but I've pushed it aside. No, it's private. It's personal. And before I can get to the root of why I want need to write today, I guess first you need to know another "secret"...

Chris and I are trying to have a baby.

I know it might seem silly for that to be a "secret" because it's not a big deal. Nothing bad. But mostly I wanted to avoid the question and the disappointment if it didn't happen right away, so this is something we have kept to ourselves. Our parents, our families, our friends have not known. Even now, I hesitate to post this (*edit: so much so that this post has sat in my drafts for a couple days now*) because it feels like opening it up for discussion for the rest of the world. Because for some unknown, weird reason... it makes me feel vulnerable.  And the exact reasons I had for not telling anyone a year and a half ago when we first started trying are becoming more of a reality- even if only in my head. If you caught that, we started trying almost a year and a half ago. It's gone in phases- starting with just not preventing and the "if it happens, it happens" mentality. After a few months, that turned into actually tracking cycles. And now we've been everywhere from ovulation tests to trying not to think about it at all. 

I was insanely naive to think that it was very simple: sex without protection = baby. I mean, isn't that exactly what's engrained in our heads as soon as we hit puberty?? Don't I know a million and two people who have "accidentally" gotten pregnant?? Then after the months continued and I began to research (i.e. google search) I began to realize how much a miracle conceiving really is. There is this very small 24 hour window out of the entire month that you have to try and pinpoint for even the possibility of it working. How does anyone ever have a baby?!? 

So here's the real: I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I feel like something is wrong with me. I feel like I have bad karma for all the years I said I never wanted to have kids. I feel like I am being punished for all the mistakes I made in my life. The more I read that after a year you should worry about infertility, I feel broken. The more and more common place infertility seems to be around me, I feel scared.

I remind myself every time I feel down how much I enjoy my time. I love the freedom of non-parent life and the ability to do things on a whim. I love this time I have with my husband without children most of all. I remind myself to just focus on enjoying this time we have together because once it's gone, it's gone. And most days, I do exactly that. I do not, by any means, want to imply that I walk around sad and morose about this all the time. Any of you who know me, know thats not true anyway. Nor do i want to imply that it hurts in the slightest to see so many of my friends pregnant or am bitter about it. I am beyond excited for each pregnant women I see and beautiful new baby I see. Least of all did I want to post this for pity. It's just been a rough week and I needed to write it out, sort my thoughts,and who knows? Maybe some one who reads this is going through the same thing and knows they aren't alone. I know that God has a plan and that I have to trust and rely on Him. I do. But I also know that it doesn't mean I won't struggle.

STUCK IN MY HEAD

"I wanna live like there's no tomorrow. Love like I'm on borrowed time. It's good to be alive."

I heard this song on the way home from work today and it's been stuck on repeat in my head ever since. And the more that I sang it- as I cooked dinner, as I cleaned up, as I showered (all much to my husband's delight I'm sure)- the more I realized just how true those words are. Or how true they should be.

How many things do you have on your bucket list? There are so many things I want to do in my lifetime, but it's so easy to think "I have my whole life to do it". Days, weeks, years go by. Time is wasted. From a different prospective, we aren't guaranteed tomorrow. If today was our last day, what could we say we achieved? What are we leaving behind?

Every opportunity, to work, to love, to witness, to LIVE, has to be taken! There will always be a reason not to, better timing, etc. If you wait for the perfect conditions nothing will ever be done! Life is a blessing. I'm going to challenge myself, and you, to live like it.

WHY BLOG?

I am sure there are quite a few people who think to themselves "who cares? who cares what you did today? who cares what your opinion on the subject is?" everytime I submit a new post. I'm sure there are people who read my blog and notice that there aren't many people commenting on the posts (or any at this point, although I do see that quite a bit of you are reading when I post, so don't be afraid to comment!) and wonder "what's the point?".

Well, quite bluntly, but not at all with any rude intention, it's not about you. While knowing that people read or can get anything at all from what I say is encouraging, blogging is for me. When I was younger, I was one of those girls you'd see writing away in her notebook. I kept a journal. Filled it with whatever teenage angst was weighing on my mind. You see, I've always had a fascination with documenting life. With knowing that I could look back one day, when my mind can no longer remember, and recall a little of who I was at a given time. Recall what was going on in the world, what was going on in my life, how I felt. Maybe with a future child or grandchild. Even now, I enjoy going back and reading old journals or even old Facebook statuses from over the years. It reminds me of things I had forgotten and shows me how much I have changed (or not changed).

HOM-BOD-Y [HOHM-BOD-EE] NOUN

 a person who prefers pleasures and activities that center around the home

I've come to realize that, the older I get, the more of a homebody I become. Seriously. Nothing sounds better to me, any given night of the week, then sitting at home with my husband doing absolutely nothing but watching Heroes on Netflix. And while there is nothing at all wrong with this, I usually have this "I-dont-wanna" attitude whenever any sort of event is going to interrupt that. Not outwardly, mind you. It's not even a true inward grumbling. More of a "I'm so tired", "I dont want to get ready" type complaint, then anything to do with whatever or whoever the event pertains. With that being said...

I have NEVER, not once, ever regretted going or wished that I did, indeed, stay home. I always end up telling myself how much I need to make time to see people and friends.

Tonight, I went to a very simple dinner with friends who I haven't got to see as much lately. After getting home from work, all those normal annoyances started probing their way into my head. No matter that I was, in fact, very excited to see my friends. There was Mr. "you've-had-a-long-day" and Mrs."cuddling-watching-netflix" coming to visit. Not to mention, I had started feeling a little emotional for some unkown reason. Overwhelmed. Not in a bad way. Not in a good way. We shall just call that one Mr. "pms". Nevertheless, I got myself up and drove to dinner. And from the second I sat there with my friends, catching up, talking about all the things that had been going on in our individual lives, all of that disappeared. My ordinary day had just gotten so much brighter and my spirit lifted so much higher from simply talking to friends over dinner. So, again, I am sitting here reminding myself that I need to make time to see people. And that while Heroes night on the couch with my husband is certainly great, great fellowship is truly good for the soul.

WHITE BLANK PAGE

"Lead me to the truth...I will follow you with my whole life."

Mumford and Sons. Great music. Soothing. What I call "easy-breezy" music. I love them. But that's not what this post is about. This lyric popped into my head the other day as I contemplated starting a blog again. While "White Blank Page" is another typical love song, this particular lyric stood out to me for such a different reason. And again, as I sat here staring at this blank screen in front of me, wondering why exactly I had felt the need to blog again, wondering what exactly I could even write about and everything that a first post should be- that introduction to me, the summaration of the entire narrative of what this blog is to become. Again, I thought of this particular lyric.

We so often refer to life as a book that's still being written and to "chapters" of life being opened and closed. I have written, gone back to erase furiously edit, and eventually closed quite a few chapters in this short book of life I have compiled. But none so much as the last couple years of my life. I feel I've come to this place of being nothing but a white blank page. Waiting for the next part of my story to be laid before me. No longer awaiting my approval as the author. Because for the first time in a long time, maybe really the first time ever if I'm honest, I don't want to fight for the pen. I want to simply be the white blank page that God, the True Author, can write His story upon. Only He can lead to the truth, and I want to follow Him with my whole life. It's taken a few tear-stained pages, a whole lot of crumbled up pages tossed in the trash, and for awhile it seemed like a completely different book all together, never to find its way back. But, finally, here is where my story has come. A chapter closed and a brand new chapter waiting to begin. I'm sure there will be times that I want to steal that pen back from God but hopefully I can stop at scribbling notes in the margins instead. So this is me. A blank page. Ready and willing for My Author to let His story unfold.