JUST ONE OF THOSE MORNINGS...

This morning was just one of those mornings. One little thing going wrong off-plan leading to another little thing and so on. We've developed a nice routine to our days with Thea. The morning routine being the most important given that's when we are trying to get out the door on time for work, while making sure we've grabbed everything for the day. For being so little, babies sure need so much! A typical morning looks like this:

5:30             Mommy and Daddy wake up
5:30-5:50     Mommy and Daddy get ready
5:50-6:00     Mommy finishes getting ready, makes oatmeal, gets set up to nurse
                    Daddy wakes Thea, changes her and dresses her for the day
6:00             Mommy nurses Thea *pumps 20 min simultaneously
                    Daddy leaves
6:40-6:45    Mommy loads up bags and Thea and leaves

And some where in there is preparing Thea's bottles for the day and my pumping stuff for work. I lay out mine and Thea's clothes the night before and we make sure lunches are made and the diaper bag is restocked at night too. So it's really been pretty great and smooth flowing. 

Today, our morning looked a little more like this:

5:30             Mommy and Daddy wake up
5:30-5:50     Mommy and Daddy get ready
5:50-6:00     Mommy finishes getting ready, makes oatmeal, gets set up to nurse
                    Daddy wakes Thea, changes her and dresses her for the day
6:00             Mommy's boobs leak on her shirt, Mommy takes shirt off
6:05             Mommy nurses Thea
                    Daddy has upset stomach and goes into bathroom
6:10-6:15    Thea has a series of back to back poopy farts while nursing
                    Mommy realizes Thea is beginning to leak out of her diaper onto nursing pillow 
                       and grabs her leg to keep her from moving and letting it out
                    Mommy (who has a pump attached on one side and baby on the other) calls    
                       out to Daddy (who is still in the bathroom) so he can grab her before it gets
                       on everything
6:15             Mommy unattaches and gets Thea up only to discover holding her leg still was
                       pointless because she already leaked out the other side onto the pillow and 
                       couch.
                    Mommy gets Thea to changing table and begins undresses her
                    Daddy finally emerges from the bathroom and is running late for work
                    Daddy leaves
6:20             Mommy starts to finish nursing Thea again....
                    Thea poops again
                    Mommy changes Thea
6:25             Mommy tries to finish nursing Thea
                    Thea doesn't want to anymore
                    Mommy still has to pump 20 minutes
6:45-6:50     Mommy gets Thea's bottles ready (milk is still slushy and not as easy to pour)
                       and pump bag ready for work
                    Mommy still has to go find a new shirt to wear for work
6:50-6:55     Mommy loads up bags and Thea and leaves (with a while bowl of untouched 
                       oatmeal on the counter and no coffee)  

And somewhere in there was a not-so-nice attitude with my husband, frantic running around, and a few tears of frustration. In favor of being completely transparent, I also need to add that my husband got really frustrated (with the aforementioned bad attitude I was giving him) and walked out of the door for work, only to walk right back in and apologize cause he didn't want us to leave angry (something he knows is really important to me. He's really pretty great!). I, however, was not quite done being frustrated and said nothing. I'm a jerk.

I HATE being late. All week I've been basically begging my sister (who I'm meeting half way in the mornings for a kid swap) to make sure she is there by 7. And OF COURSE the FIRST day I actually have to meet her....I'm running late. So by the time I hit my driver's seat, I can basically just laugh at the way the morning has gone. It can only go up from here right? But the guilt and conviction also start to sink in as I reversed out of my drive way. What kind of example did I just set for my daughter? Yes, I know that she isn't old enough to remember this (though I fully believe babies do pick up on the emotion around them and try to always be aware of letting myself get so overwhelmed that it rubs off on her) but if I'm not controlling myself now, how am I going to when she is old enough? Do I want to set an example that a bad attitude and ugly words are okay when things aren't going the way you want them? Do I want her to be unforgiving when someone is apologetic? So I began asking God to give me a better attitude. After all, nothing that happened this morning was even bad. I was just so worked up over running late (again...full transparency..I might also add that I wasn't actually late for when I HAVE to be at work, I just like getting there at a certain time to feel more prepared...so I was late by MY standards). I started thinking about how blessed I am and how thankful I am for the time I get with Thea in the mornings. I thought about the people who don't get that opportunity and how even the craziest mornings don't cast even the slightest of shadows over the overwhelming love I have for her. Attitude completely changed! And then God gave me even more....He gave me a beautiful lake sunrise view to enjoy during my new morning route. All I could do was smile.

Thankful for a forgiving God who gives even more than we ask and sends me heart sweet reminders. Thankful for the mornings (and days and nights) He has given me with Thea. Even the crazy off-plan ones that teach this momma a lesson or two. I'm sure there will be plenty more. And yes, I did apologize to my sweet husband.    

THE TOP 4 THINGS I'VE LEARNED IN 4 WEEKS OF MOTHERHOOD

It's hard to believe it's already been 4 weeks since my baby girl came into this world and made me a mom for the first time. Yesterday made it a whole official month. And what a transforming, incredible month it has been. Here are the Top 4 things I've learned this month...

1

Such a tiny little being completely changes your life and the way you view everything. I can't watch tv or read the news the same way anymore. Anything involving children instantly makes me think about if it was MY child and brings me to tears. Everything you THINK you will or will not do BEFORE your baby is here is completely up for debate after. "I won't hold my baby all the time and spoil them" really translates to dropping whatever you are doing and running to your baby the moment they start screaming. "They'll sleep in their own bed right away" translates to pulling the bassinet as close to your bed as possible and not even being able to imagine a time in the near future that you can move your baby to their own room. 

2

Your body no longer feels like your own. The very first time I saw myself in the mirror at the hospital after giving birth, I had to do a double take in shock when I realized I didn't have a baby belly anymore. I hadn't really considered that it wouldn't be there. I attributed that initial shock to the fact to the disassociation I felt described in Thea's birth story. But I've learned that the feeling doesn't really go away. Not going to lie, there have been days I've really missed the belly. I loved being pregnant. I was really comfortable in my body during pregnancy. There was something womanly and beautiful feeling about knowing my body was doing exactly what God had created it to do. That my body could grow and nurture life. After giving birth, I expected that my body wouldn't immediately look the same. I was prepared for stretch marks and for my stomach to take some time to go down to normal. Surprisingly though, I lost all the pregnancy weight by the first week and am actually below my pre-pregnancy weight now (hooray for only gaining the "recommended" pregnancy weight and breastfeeding!) ...BUT I didn't expect how soft my stomach would be. Let's be real, I've never had a toned, hard stomach. But now I feel squishy, and my belly button feels deep, and of course the dreaded "pouch" from my C-section incision wasn't expected. So between that and the milk factory that my boobs have become, it's hard to feel at home in my body. However, my baby is completely worth all these "marks of motherhood" and I'm learning to view my body with pride. Our bodies are amazing things mommas!

3

You can google and read everything about anything but your mommy instincts truly are the best. As someone who feels like I need to look up and research basically everything (informed decisions people!) I have still found that God has given us this amazing instinct and as a mother we are going to know our child and what works for them best. Trust those instincts mommas! They are going to look different for everyone so don't compare yourself to anyone else.

4

Motherhood is the absolute best and most emotional experience of life. Nothing compares. From the overwhelming love I feel every time I look at my baby to the absurd paranoia of anything jeopardizing my baby's health and safety, I've never felt such a wide range of emotions all the time. It's an incredible thing to know that this tiny little being is completely reliant on me and that God has entrusted me to guide and direct her through life! 

 Thea Kay // 4 weeks old

THE ARRIVAL OF THEA KAY

Thea Kay Caram has arrived!

I've been wanting to record Thea's birth story while it's still fresh (ish) in my mind. I guess the story really begins on Friday, September 25. I had an appointment with my OB who, along with the high risk doctor I had been seeing for gestational diabetes, agreed that I should be induced at 39 weeks. Apparently, it's a better option for anyone with GD that isn't very tightly managed to not go past 39 weeks because there's more risk of complications at 40+ weeks. I hadn't wanted to do this unless it was necessary as I would prefer she come naturally when she was ready. My appointment on Friday was to discuss this and run some tests. My OB ran a series of tests where Thea had to meet 3 separate criteria to make sure she was prepared to even make it to 39 weeks. All the tests came back perfectly and my doctor was confident that I was pretty much ideal for induction right at 39 weeks which fell the following Monday. I felt more at peace with the induction leaving the appointment, knowing it would be better for Thea and that everything would seemingly go off without a hitch. So the induction was scheduled for Monday, September 28. It was such a weird feeling KNOWING exactly when I would meet Thea. That weekend was spent spending time together on a date night and making last minute preparations- double checking to make sure we had everything we needed once she got home, stocking up on groceries and household items, etc. Sunday night rolled around and all there was left to do was wait for morning. Around 11pm, I started having contractions. For the first time, I was having real life contractions- very different from the Braxton Hicks I had been experiencing for weeks! I couldn't believe it! I timed them throughout the night and they never got closer than 8-9 minutes apart, but I was very uncomfortable with pain radiating through my lower back and pelvis so needless to say, when they alarm went off at 4:45am, I had never fallen asleep. 

Before leaving for the hospital, I took my very last belly pic and our last picture together as a family of two. As we walked out of the door, we knew that the next time we walked through them, we'd have our baby with us. 

At the hospital, my contractions were still steady. By the time my doctor got there and checked me, I was dilated to a 4 and she said I had most likely already started early labor if I was feeling contractions also. I felt even better about an induction knowing that Thea would have come on her own naturally in a day or so anyway! And I remember thinking what a coincidence it was that it started the night before being induced and how I loved being able to add that to her birth story.

The nurse gave me an IV (way more painful than the contractions I was having at that point!) to start giving me the stuff to speed along my contractions and my doctor told me she'd be back around noon to break my water if it hadn't happened yet. For a few hours, I sat there as my contractions got stronger and closer together. Contractions had been easy to manage to that point and I had decided not to ask for an epidural unless they got strong enough that I wanted it but not until then. I would say the most pain I had felt at that point was still only a 6 or 7 on a scale of 1 to 10. My doctor came in to check on my progress a couple times and everything was moving along perfectly. 

At one point, the nurse brought in this huge peanut ball to put between my legs as I laid on my side so that it could open up my hips and keep baby's head in a good position. A contraction hit me really strong while I was using the peanut and I had the urge to turn back on my back so I could straighten out my stomach during the contraction. I had a couple friends and family in the room so I called my mom to help me get it out from under me without lifting the sheet and showing everyone my business. It took us a minute to get situated, during which time the contraction hadn't gone away and I wanted to straighten out desperately. As soon as the peanut was moved and I had flipped over, I felt a ton of liquid gush out between my legs. I told Chris that I thought my water had broke and I was all wet. Before we could even comprehend that, an excruciating painful contraction hit. They had immediately jumped from a 7 to off the scales at a 13! With the contraction came another huge gush of liquid. At this point I began crying. I didn't like being soaking wet and felt like I hadn't even had any warning to ask for an epidural before my contractions had jumped to unbearable. We called the nurse in to explain that my water had broke and I was ready for an epidural. The contractions kept coming, extremely close together (to me, it didn't even feel like half a minute went by after one ended before the next began), and with each one came another gush of liquid. When they nurse came over, she lifted my sheets and I heard her say that it wasn't my water, it was blood. I cried harder, terrified, knowing that it shouldn't have been blood gushing out like that. She checked my cervix and I was dilated to a 6 and I told her I wanted the epidural asap. She called my doctor in, as my mom and Chris each held one of my hands, trying to help me breathe through the contractions. They were agony and I just knew something was wrong. When my doctor came into the room, she checked me again and confirmed that I was dilated to a 6. She told the nurse to prepare the epidural and that it would still be a couple hours. Another contraction. More blood. My doctor decided to check me again, not knowing where the blood was coming from. In less than 1 minute, I had dilated from a 6 to a 9. Less than one minute after saying it would be a couple hours until delivery, I heard my doctor say that we needed to get this baby out and they needed to knock me out for an emergency C section right away. I looked at my husband, bawling all over again. He knew how much I had not wanted to have a c-section. I was so confused and couldn't understand how everything had changed so suddenly. Within minutes I had gone from "progressing perfectly" to "emergency c-section". 

I didn't have time to try to understand. I was devastated about a c-section but knew my baby needed out and fast. They wheeled me out of the room, telling Chris he had to stay behind. As they rushed me down the hall, I was terrified and now alone. I had no idea what to expect. Nothing was going the way it was supposed to. Next thing I knew, I was in an extremely bright room with about 10 hands touching and doing different things around me. Hands begin to strip me down, move me onto a table, put an oxygen mask on my face....I couldn't even tell what all was happening around and to me. I was in shock. A man looked down into my face telling me I was going to go to sleep and not to worry. He told me that they were going to take care of me and my baby. He told me to take 3 deep breaths.

What felt like literally one second later, I saw Chris. He was telling me everything was ok. He told me we had a baby. I didn't understand. I had just closed my eyes. I couldn't have a baby yet. He showed me the picture below. He showed me a video of our baby crying with a mask on her face. She was in NICU. She wasn't breathing correctly. I had to watch the video 3 times.

I kept asking where the baby was, confirming that I had already had her. I couldn't comprehend anything. I was dazed. Couldn't understand. Typing this just now, I am very emotional. I can't help but cry all over again. As ecstatic as I am to have my beautiful baby girl and as much as I know it was the best thing to do, even now I am sad that I didn't get to experience her being brought into this world. I didn't get to experience pushing, hearing her first cry, getting to have the first look at her as the doctor lifted her up. Instead I closed my eyes for one second and had a baby magically appear in another part of the hospital the next. I felt disassociated. I don't regret it for a moment, but I think I'll always be a little saddened by this.

It took hours before I would finally see her. After the wooziness of the anesthesia wore off and they were ready to take me to the regular room I would be staying in, they took me by NICU on the way so I could meet my baby girl for the first time. 

I can't even explain the overwhelming emotions that crashed through me when I held my baby for the first time. The sadness and disassociation I had been feeling, extreme happiness, relief, amazement- all these feelings at the same time. Finally, it was real. I had my daughter in my arms. Daddy got to hold her for the first time too. We couldn't believe how perfect and beautiful she was. They explained to me that she was in NICU because when they removed her from the sac, she came out screaming and had swallowed too much fluid which prevented her from being able to breathe properly. Her breathing had only been at 50%. But when we arrived, the oxygen mask had already been removed and she was breathing normally! They decided to still keep her overnight to monitor her blood sugar levels since I had gestational diabetes. I didn't get to stay long enough with my baby girl before they took me to my room.

The next day, we got to visit her in the NICU again and I got to feed her for the first time (they were giving her donor breast milk until I was able to start breast feeding her). 

Later that afternoon, she was able to leave NICU and stay in our room with us. We were thrilled! 

Thea is a beautiful, HEALTHY baby and we couldn't be more happy. The day she came into this world was the scariest day of my life, but also the best. My doctor still isn't sure what happened. I had an abruption. I had to look that up:

Placental abruption (abruptio placentae) is an uncommon yet serious complication of pregnancy.

The placenta is a structure that develops in the uterus during pregnancy to nourish the growing baby. If the placenta peels away from the inner wall of the uterus before delivery — either partially or completely — it's known as placental abruption. Placental abruption can deprive the baby of oxygen and nutrients and cause heavy bleeding in the mother.

Placental abruption often happens suddenly. Left untreated, placental abruption puts both mother and baby in jeopardy.

Basically, this was the risk when I had placenta previa the first trimester and had to be put on bed rest. But the previa was resolved early in my pregnancy and had not been an issue. According to my doctor, this shouldn't have happened. There were no warning signs and no risk factors. She's sent my placenta to a pathologist to find an answer.

Thea with my doctor

I am blown away when I think about God's love and protection. It's heartbreaking to think about what would have happened had I not gone ahead with scheduling the induction. Had I not already been at the hospital and this had happened at home, we wouldn't have made it to the hospital in time. I talked to my doctor about it the next day and she agreed that it would have had a much different outcome. I can't even think about that without breaking down. So even though I didn't want an induction at first, never wanted a c section at all, and ended up with both...I know that it was in God's perfect plan. He knew what would need to happen.

Excited when we were finally released to go home Thursday evening.

 Being a mom is absolutely the best thing in the world. My heart is so full. She is absolutely perfect and the most beautiful baby in the world. Today already marks one whole week! I'm desperately praying for time to slow down. Every single time I look at my baby girl, I am blown away by the fact that she is mine and God chose me to be her mom. I don't know that I'll ever get over it. I'm a bit obsessed with her. It's only been a week and already I can't imagine life without her.

ALL THE BAGS PT 3: THE POST-PARTUM BAG

Time for the last bag of all the bags. The postpartum bag....aka THE MOST EMBARRASSING BAG EVER. I really debated posting this just out of personal embarrassment but then I thought "You know, this is just part of it." If I'm gonna share the fun, exciting parts along the journey of pregnancy/parenthood, then I'm gonna share the embarrassing, not-so-fun parts. Let's just be real, there's some gross things that come along with pregnancy, labor, and the first few weeks (months?!) postpartum. Honestly, until I was pregnant and began looking up things for myself...I'd never heard of really any of the things the body goes through beyond the actual labor part and, to me, the first few weeks after sounds way worse than the actual labor and delivery! How had I never heard these things?! Because no one wants to talk about it. And I'm sure with a brand new baby to obsess over, non of this is gonna seem that bad. My focus will be elsewhere. 

Non-pregnant women and definitely any men may want to stop reading now. So without further explanation....

The bag is the 31 large utility tote. I LOVE this bag. For now it'll be used to house all these giant packs of things, but I'm thinking eventually it'll be great as a kind of toy box for Thea.

The first thing I gathered supplies for was DIY Padsicles that everyone (pinterest, mommy bloggers, etc) raves about. Apparently these are #1 MUST HAVE item for postpartum healing. Basically it's the biggest, super-sized mega pad you can find (The Always overnight maxi's are just that) with aloe vera, witch hazel, and lavender oil soaked into them and then frozen. It's a heavenly, soothing ice pack for your "business".

So the giant pads obviously need some giant panties to hold them. I totally plan on rocking the fantastic mesh ones the hospital gives you while I am there, but I picked up my own for home. I opted for boy briefs cause that just seems like it'd be more comfortable than actually briefs. Just like wearing a pair of shorts...right? Apparently even with giant pads, there is the chance of leaking, depending on the...flow. So I saw moisture pads recommended for sitting on and I thought PUPPY PADS! This is a giant pack so they are going to come in handy when little miss starts sleeping in her crib. I saw a genius tip to put little moisture pads under the sheet and layer your sheets up (pad, sheet, pad, sheet, etc) so that when baby has an accident in the middle of the night, you can just strip off the sheet and pad and there's a new one under it. Easy!

Ahhh... the "tender bits" care. From what I hear, and obviously after the stretching (and possible tearing) that comes from delivering a baby, things are a bit sore down there for a while and things as simple as toilet paper will feel like sand paper. Hence, the wipes. Hemorrhoidal medicated wipes for the back part if the pushing causes hemorrhoids. Regular  personal wipes for the front part. I also got pain reliever to help with the soreness and Miralax and Colace were BOTH recommend for helping with the first postpartum BM- which is apparently way worse than labor itself?! 

The down below bits are the only sensitive parts that need care. I have some Lanolin nipple cream in my breast feeding pump bag but got another one for this. The cream is to help with the drying and cracking (ouch!) that can come with breastfeeding. I also got the soothie gel pads for cooling relief. I got a couple boxes of Mother's Milk tea which is supposed to help with producing milk, just in case that is an issue. I really want breastfeeding to work out.

And that makes up my Postpartum Care Kit. Now, I've never had a baby before. I have no idea if any of this will actually be needed. I am perfectly fine if ALL of it isn't needed. But the last thing I wanted was to find myself needing ANY of it when I get home and having to worry about getting to the store to get it. Now, I am prepared and that gives me peace of mind.

So that's it. All my baby bags packed and ready for Miss Thea to make her appearance.

*** EDIT: Looking at the supplies picture, I just realized I forgot to include the Epsom salts! I figured a whole bath would be easier than the sitz bath you put on the toilet that they want you to do. Plus... Baths are my favorite! ***

ALL THE BAGS PT 2: THE HOSPITAL BAG

I'm back with part 2 of all the bags I've prepped as we await the arrival of little miss Thea Kay. **I can't believe she'll be here in a month!!** The next bag is the hospital bag! Let's get right into it...

This is the bag I used. This is actually a "mystery bag" I received with a recent ThirtyOne order. It ended up being perfect! And who doesn't love some polka dots??

First of all is all the stuff for this new momma. 1) Nursing bras. I packed a regular under wire one and 2 sleeping ones. 2) I've been wanting a robe for years- specifically a mid-length, light fabric robe for wearing around the house- and I figured what would be a better time than now?? With all the middle of the night feedings coming my way, I know I'll want something easy to slip on. 3) Going home clothes. I'm fully prepared for the "still looking pregnant" part of the post baby body, so I went with a loose maxi dress and light cardigan. I also packed a tank top and shorts for sleeping in at the hospital in case I get tired of the gown. I skipped bringing the big granny panties everyone says to bring cause I hear the mesh ones the hospital gives are good. 4) Comfy slippers and flip flops. My feet actually aren't fitting in these slippers anymore so I may get a new pair.

We can't forget about Dad! My hubby plans on staying overnight with me and baby at the hospital, so we packed a couple change of clothes and undies. I also included $15 worth of change for the vending machine.

I packed some travel size toiletries for both me and Chris. The little pink bag has a headband and ponytail holders. And of course, gotta have my EOS chap stick. I also packed a charger for our phones and Thea's going home outfit (which is remaining a secret until we get her first picture in it). I'll be taking Thea's diaper bag (to see what I packed in that click here) too so that's all for baby in this bag.

Everything fits so nice and neat into this one bag. I'm feeling much better knowing this bag is ready to go. Thea has been measuring a little big so I'm trying to mentally prepare that she could be here any time now! 

Hospital Bag Done

Any thing any of you experienced moms would suggest that I didn't pack? Did I pack too much? 

ALL THE BAGS PT. 1: THE DIAPER BAG

Welcome to the first of 3 blogs I'll be posting about all the bags that I've been prepping for the arrival of baby. I packed the diaper bag last week and took pictures of the process to share. Anyone who knows me knows how much I HEART organization. Like it makes my heart really happy. They also know how much I need to research and be informed about everything (some may negatively call this "overthinking"). So after reading a lot of different mommy blogs on diaper bag essentials, I've come up with what I think will work for me. At least for the first few months, as I know diaper bags grow as your child does. Without further ado...

First step was to find a diaper bag. I wanted one that was cute enough to carry around as a regular bag since it will double as my purse, was easy to clean, and of course-lots of room. I ordered this Ju-Ju-Be one from Amazon and it does not disappoint! I also got this set of 7 various sized clear cosmetic bags for all the beloved organization. My label maker is in my classroom right now, but I'll also be labeling all these bags. Next, I gathered up all the supplies...

1) I got one of those grooming and health all in one kits. I added in a cute little first aid kit I found at the store, a travel pack of Kleenex, and some infant's Tylenol to make a sort of first aid emergency kit. 2) I received a travel set of baby wash, shampoo, powder, etc and added that along with a couple sample lotions and diaper creams in one of the small cosmetic bags in case of over night stays. 3) Sunscreen and hand sanitizer is part of the first aid but I put them in their own little bag in case of leaks.

I packed a couple extra outfits, an extra sleeper, and an extra pair of mittens and socks all nice and neat into one of the cosmetic bags. I packed 4 burp cloths (1 is a burp cloth/bib) into another bag. And l used 1 bag for a toy/activity bag. This bag is big enough to fit a small board book and a couple toys as she gets older and her entertainment interests change.

1) I packed all the individual bags inside the diaper bag. Look how nice they all fit! 2) The rest of the stuff are things that I wanted to have quicker, on-hand access too. A few extra diapers, wipes (love this cute refillable case I got at Target!), butt paste, and the disposable dirty diaper bag dispenser all went into one of the big inside pockets. 3) A pack of Wet Ones, a couple receiving blankets, and a case of "binkies" went in the other big pocket. 4) Everything still fitting nice and neat. 5) My bestie got me this cute flower band that I wrapped around the free diaper clutch (has a couple diapers and wipes inside) I got in my Target registry bag and a receiving blanket I will use as a changing pad. This is my quick portable changing station I can take into a public bathroom without having to have the whole bag with me. 6) I just laid this right on top and the inside of my diaper bag was complete.

The outside pockets are what I'm devoting to my mommy stuff. 1) On one side is one giant pocket that I filled with a nursing cover, a thin black scarf (a great tip I read for quick cover ups when you get spit up on), and my Baby K'Tan Breeze baby carrier (so excited to use this!). 2) On the other side is 3 split pockets. In one I have extra breast pads and the other 2 are perfect for my chapstick, wallet, and phone. I can even fit my water bottle in one! 3) I even had 2 of the cosmetic bags left over. One of which will eventually be used to carry snacks.

And there we have it folks. The diaper bag is checked off the to-do list. I'm sure I'll have something small for just simple diapers and wipes for times we drop her off in the church nursery and things like that. But this is my big ol momma bag. You may be wondering about bottles...my breast pump came with a little cooler that I'll use for transporting her bottles to the sitter when needed. 

 So is there anything you experienced mommas would add? Any essentials that you found useful? Share what you packed in your diaper bag!

GESTATIONAL DIABETES MEAL IDEAS

Any of my readers that follow me on Facebook know that I failed my glucose test a couple weeks ago and have Gestational Diabetes. I was feeling really bummed about it at first because it meant having to go back to seeing the high risk doctor regularly again, the dreaded finger pricking, and the all-around guilt I felt for knowing my baby is more at risk for being bigger (which means risking C-section) when she's already been measuring a bit big anyway and more at risk to develop diabetes later in life. But after talking to friends and a few people who had it in their pregnancies, I felt better. Still not over the finger pricking though! The bright side is that I should be able to manage it with just diet and no meds, which means eating better for me and baby anyway!

So I got my handy dandy diabetes kit and was ready to roll! I got out a little journal and started logging all the food I ate for each meal and what the subsequent blood sugar level was 2 hours later. Man, does that open your eyes....

The first day testing, I had a bowl of shredded wheat cereal for breakfast. Even measured out just a cup. Blood sugar level went way high! What?! I read over the pamphlets the doctor gave me, searched information online, and started to realize it has a lot more to do with balancing your meals out then avoiding anything. Not that there aren't things you should try and avoid or limit. 

My first week with GD, I was in Florida, with the rest of the staff I work with, for a teaching seminar. While there, our meals were provided for us at the college cafeteria. Which basically means 8 full buffets for every meal each day! Oh the self control. I did try to do the best with what I could. But most days I had 1 level go over. Some days even 2. I started to think that maybe that was just normal and accepted it. 

After I got back from Florida, I made my grocery shopping trip for all the things I thought I'd need for my new diet. Oh my goodness....even having 1 level a day is not normal and I should not accept it! For the week I've been back home I've only had ONE day where even 1 level was too high (eating fast food the day before grocery shopping). I'm getting the hang of it and eating more things I wouldn't normally (like peanut butter! yuck) and I'm pretty proud of myself so far. Now it's like an inward competition to see how many days in a row I can make it without any levels going over. The hardest part has honestly been having to make sure I actually eat 3 full on meals every day! I hate eating when I'm not hungry.

Here's an example of some of the things I've had the last week.

1) 2 eggs on a whole wheat english muffin, organic unsweetened apple sauce, and a glass of milk. 2) Bran flakes (plainest cereal ever) with banana (makes it taste so much better). 3) honey, all natural organic peanut butter, and banana slices on whole wheat english muffin. With the rest of the banana on the side and a glass of milk. 4) Turkey sandwich (haven't had deli meat the entire pregnancy cause heating it didn't sound good but I finally broke down and got some since it's an easy lunch) on whole wheat sandwich thins with multi grain tortilla chips (these are SO much better than regular tortilla chips! yum!) and black bean/corn salsa. 5) Baked breaded salmon and baked shrimp with broccoli and grilled squash. 6) Cucumbers and carrots with spinach/artichoke hummus (nope. still don't like hummus!).

Hope this gives any of you with GD some ideas and motivation. I'd love for any of you to share some meal ideas with me! Especially any of you who have/had GD too. I get tired of having the same things all the time. Well, time to go make dinner. Tostadas tonight! =)

GROWN UP NIGHTMARES

It's Fall. Cold outside. I walk outside to find him around a fire at a party with his friends. I try to talk to him but his friends keep diverting me away. I have family visiting so I walk away to tell them bye as they load up to go back home. When I near the fire again, I can see that he is crying. I want to comfort him. But I also need answers. Finally, he agrees to meet with me. We seek privacy in one of the bedrooms. I ask him "Why?". Deja Vu. I feel like we've been here before. Isn't this what happened last time? This out-of-the-blue break up? I'd made sure to always ask him if he was happy this time. I'd begged with him to talk to me before it ever got to this point again. Give me a chance to fix it. But here we were. He looks at me with tears in his eyes, offering no answers. I stare back at him, my eyes begging for this not to happen. Then something changes. Gone are the tears from his eyes. Instead his eyes grow cold. A smirk appears on his face. "I'm just not attracted to you anymore. You're not sexy." It's like a dagger to my heart. I stand up and walk to the door, looking at him again with tears in my eyes before I walk out of the room. I don't want him to see how much he hurts me. I collect myself and walk back into the room. The cruel smirk is still on his face. "I'm pregnant." I counter, as an excuse for my un-sexiness. "Nah, even before that. I haven't been attracted to you for years." More spiteful words are said, every insecurity I have flowing from his mouth. Finally, I take off the ring that sits on my left hand and place it in front of him. I exit the room and shut myself into the bathroom before letting the tears flow freely. I hear the bedroom door shut as he leaves. For good. My mom comes into the bathroom to comfort me and tells me everything will be ok. But I know it won't. Despite his cruelty, he's all I want. 

I woke up crying, saying "No!" rather firmly into my pillow. I reached over to Chris to assure myself it was just a dream. His side of the bed was empty. I looked at the clock. He shouldn't have left for work for another few minutes. I panicked and called out to him. He came into the room. Real-life Chris never wears that cruel smirk or cold eyes. He hugged me and I could calm down.

________________________________________

I'm at work when I receive the worst phone call you can get. There's been an accident. It's Chris. He didn't make it. I refuse to believe the news and continue about my work day. I don't understand why people are looking at me with sad eyes, offering their condolences. "It's not true." I say with a smile and decide to drive to the scene to prove it. On my way to the gas station where it supposedly happen, I receive another phone call. This time it's Chris. "I told everyone it wasn't true!" I smile into the phone. His voice is sad. "It is true, baby. I'm so sorry. Know that I love you more than anything. I have to go." Still not understanding, I beg him not to hang up. I'm about to arrive at the gas station and I can prove it. But he's already hung up. I pull up to the gas station and see the police tape blocking off the entire parking lot. I scan the lot for his car..for any wreckage. I see none. A good sign. I try calling Chris back and no one answers. I continue about my day. Later, I receive a call from my bank about wether I need to switch the names on the accounts. Strange. Why would I do that? I still continue going about my day normally. Still not understanding the sad looks directed at me. I talked to him for goodness sake! Walking down a hallway towards an elevator, I receive another call. This time from the insurance. All at once, it finally hits me. He's gone. This is real. I will never see him again. Kiss him. Grow old with him. "You can't even wait a day?!" I scream into the phone before stepping into the elevator and throwing it against the wall. In the privacy of the elevator, I lose it. I pound on the wall, scream, cry. I won't survive this.

I woke up hysterically bawling. The dream had been too real, too vivid. I turned over and threw my arms around Chris, who was startled awake by my cries. "What's wrong?" he asked me, concerned. I couldn't answer. I just gripped him tight and continued to ugly cry for at least 30 minutes. After I finally calmed down, he asked me what my dream was about. Just the question made me cry again. It was a few hours before I could tell him.

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These are a couple dreams I've had just the past few weeks- the first one actually from today. Worse- each time I managed to fall back asleep, I fell right back into the dream! These are my nightmares. Isn't it funny how as we grow older, they stop being about psychotic killers or monsters chasing us through the streets? I almost wish for those.

I've heard that pregnancy could bring on disturbing or vivid dreams, but this is like my sub-conscious is force feeding me my worst fears. I have never in my life cried so hard from a dream as I did that last one. Writing it out, putting my fears out there for you to read, I wish I could say now how silly it feels. But it doesn't. It still affects me. I spent basically that entire day praying to God for Chris's safety, terrified that I would receive that phone call for real.

I often joke with my husband that I love him too much. But it's not really a joke. I feel like I would not be able to go on without him and would die right along with him like in The Notebook or even some real life news stories I've seen of elderly couples. I know how melodramatic that sounds and that a lot of you probably just rolled your eyes. But whatever. It's simply to explain that losing him- wether through death, divorce, or anything else preventing us from spending our whole lives together- has become my biggest fear. And the evil sandman knows it.

The truth is though, that we never know when loved ones may be taken from us or when a marriage may come to an end. We should strive, every day, to make sure that the people in our lives know how much we love them. We should work hard on our marriages every day and not take our partners for granted. Marriage is a gift. I've already worried about how parenting will change my own relationship with my husband. I've seen so often how "Mom & Dad" completely replaces "Husband & Wife". I'm not saying that parenting isn't important and should fall to the sidelines- it's another gift and blessing from God that should be cherished. But it shouldn't mean that your relationship as a couple falls away either. It's so easy to get caught up in the busyness of every day to remember these things. But we have to make it a priority! God has given us these people and these relationships so let's take care of them.

MOMMY WARS

There was a lot of things I expected to come with pregnancy- excitement, morning sickness, a growing belly, stretch marks, the famous glow- and I wasn't disappointed with most of those expectations. Forever jealous of the women I see with full term pregnant bellies in these beautiful, goddess-like, bare belly maternity pictures without a single stretch mark!

One thing I did not expect was to find so much controversy and debate in my research and preparation- aka the Mommy Wars. 

From breastfeeding vs formula and c-section vs epidural vs natural (drug free) birth to the ever hot topic of vaccination vs non-vaccination. Any search on the internet about almost anything baby related will bring up conflicting ideas and views. Which is great for someone like me, who likes to know all my options so that I can make informed decisions. 

Unfortunately, where the problem comes in, is how much hate and mommy slamming I've seen people post about the opposing view. 

"How could you give your baby formula, breast milk is the only way."

"Women who have a drug-free, natural birth are way more empowered."

"C-sections don't count as giving birth."

"How could you vaccinate your children?? Don't you know about all the harmful chemicals you're injecting them with??"

How could you not vaccinate your child? Don't you know you are putting the rest of our children at risk??"

So much condemnation and criticizing isn't helpful for anyone. I think that for the most part, all women, as mothers, are just trying to do what they think is best for their babies. And for new moms, looking for information, it makes it really hard to ask questions for fear of judgement. What should be a welcoming community where moms can come together to discuss and learn has turned into a "who does it better?" competition.

Here's the way I see it....And these are just my opinions...

Yes, there are many amazing benefits to breastfeeding from health and nutrition to saving money on formula. BUT for some women, breastfeeding isn't an option, whether they are just uncomfortable with it, their milk doesn't come in or come in enough, or they simply just don't want the added responsibility of needing to be constantly available for baby to an even greater extent. As far as vaccinations, there's SO MUCH research that can be done. I don't know nearly enough and don't feel like I ever will. But ultimately it boils down to this to me... there's risk either way. Either there's risk of negative reactions to chemicals when you choose to vaccinate or there's risk of sickness and disease by choosing to not vaccinate. And by far the saddest debate out there, the way you choose (or the choice is made for you) to birth. I've seen the rudest remarks about c-sections in particular and how they "don't count". I've seen the egotistic better-than-you attitude that comes with an all natural birth and how "empowering" it is. I started to feel guilty about the fact that I'd always just assumed I'd have an epidural since that's just the way most people I knew had done it. To this I say- If you are a mom and have given birth in any way, shape, or form then you are amazing and empowered just as much as any mom next to you. Empowering is carrying a child for 10 months (why do they always say 9??) and knowing that this is exactly what your body was made for. And whatever means of delivery, the end result is the same. A beautiful human being that relies on you for the rest of your life. What's more empowering than that?

The point of all of that is just to say that we never know the experiences and situations of anyone else. Your choices, while the best option for you and your baby, are not necessarily the best choice for another mom and her baby. But what we all need is a community being supportive and where we can feel comfortable talking about our experiences.

A BLOG BY ANY OTHER NAME...

This blog has under gone many changes since it began. First as Nine in the Afternoon, to A Cup of T, and now, finally, to just plain Tiffany Caram. As I contemplated changing the name of the blog yet again the usual questions I always ask myself began- "What is the general theme of my blog?", "What do I write about?",  "Does my title reflect that?". I've tried to do "cute" names but, obviously, they don't really stick. I feel like I outgrow them, that the blog and the things I write about change as my life does. As I do. I've longed for something that represents me and no matter what changes take place, stripping it back to simply my name will always represent me.

I've chosen the tagline "finding my place". The one thing I have found constant throughout life is change. Whether good or bad, you always seem to have to learn to find your place over and over again in different aspects. As I've gotten older, I've found my place and my voice in this life more and more. In marriage and motherhood- I have found my happiest place. But even in that, I will continue searching and growing and changing. 

I have struggled to find my place with this blog over the years. Writing has always been a means of therapy for me- venting, confessing, understanding. But there's a reason people always keep their diaries secret. It's where you are vulnerable, where you aren't always at your best. It's different to write when you know other people will read it. So why blog? What is it I want out there? Well, I've always wanted this to be a place to share my life, my thoughts, my ideas. I just thought I’d start this little blog to write about what I wanted to write about. Maybe people would read it and maybe not. Maybe someone who did read it could relate. Maybe they would find it nice to know that they aren't the only ones going through something or having those same thoughts and ideas. Mostly, I just wanted a place to write my little heart out about whatever was going on in my life. 

But I keep this blog as a way to connect, as a way to share my heart, and as a sort of virtual scrapbook of memories. When I go back and read over the posts of the last few years, I can see how my interests and my voice have changed, where God has worked and guided me. It's a reminder of His blessings. But I don't just want this blog to be about me. Yes, I want to continue to write about my life, my faith, and my impending journey through motherhood, but I want it to be more. I want it to be a community. I want to inspire and be inspired. I want it to be a place to share together. Not a one-sided conversation. Life, faith, motherhood- these things are amazing and blessed and a gift, but they can also be hard. How precious is it to share and gain strength and encouragement from one another? The glorious thing about blogging online is that we can connect with people from all over the world, from all walks of life. My hope is for this space to be a place where we can learn from, support, and encourage each other. Whether we feel like we’re breezing right through life without a care in the world or we feel like we are struggling to simply take our next breath. We are all just trying to find our place through the changes in this journey of life. God is always there to guide us through but He's also provided us for each other.

So yes, as I am trying to find my place here in this virtual space, I have changed the name again. But this time, it'll stick. =) I know most of you read from the mobile version so you don't even see how the design on the blog has changed, but those of you on the web version will notice my tabs have moved to the left side under my picture. I've updated those as well so check them out. I'm including the links here in the blog for those of you on mobile. Just click the links below.

ABOUT ME      ABOUT MY FAITH      MY BLOG ROLL      LETTERS TO THEA

Also, remember, if you have me on your blog reading list, you will need to change my URL to "tiffanycaram.blogspot.com" to get the updates. 

As always, thank you guys who take the time to read. Let's continue our journeys together.