THE POST I DIDN'T WANT TO POST

I've noticed that I do not blog about very personal things. Not really. Not the raw, real stuff. It's funny because writing has always been the way I deal. However, where I have a hard time is putting it out there for others to see. I always kept a journal but there was always a fear of someone reading it to hold me back a little. Not because I have something awful to hide, not because I want my life to seem perfect and care-free... I can't really pinpoint why. Maybe fear of judgement? Maybe it seems to personal? Maybe inappropriate to be so open? But then I think...that's life. I know how much it sucks to look around you and it seem like everyone else is so strong. I also know how refreshing it is when someone is so completely honest about something that you feel finally like you aren't the only one. And ultimately that is what I want writing- what I want this blog- to be. A place where I can find refuge, as I always have, in writing. But also a place others can be encouraged. So I've been urging myself to write about things whenever I am upset, sad, discouraged, etc. Not to say I want it to be a raincloud of depression over at Nine in the Afternoon, but basically just to include ALL of life. Good and bad. 

With that being said, the following is something I really, really have not wanted to post about. The urge to write about it here came a few weeks ago but I've pushed it aside. No, it's private. It's personal. And before I can get to the root of why I want need to write today, I guess first you need to know another "secret"...

Chris and I are trying to have a baby.

I know it might seem silly for that to be a "secret" because it's not a big deal. Nothing bad. But mostly I wanted to avoid the question and the disappointment if it didn't happen right away, so this is something we have kept to ourselves. Our parents, our families, our friends have not known. Even now, I hesitate to post this (*edit: so much so that this post has sat in my drafts for a couple days now*) because it feels like opening it up for discussion for the rest of the world. Because for some unknown, weird reason... it makes me feel vulnerable.  And the exact reasons I had for not telling anyone a year and a half ago when we first started trying are becoming more of a reality- even if only in my head. If you caught that, we started trying almost a year and a half ago. It's gone in phases- starting with just not preventing and the "if it happens, it happens" mentality. After a few months, that turned into actually tracking cycles. And now we've been everywhere from ovulation tests to trying not to think about it at all. 

I was insanely naive to think that it was very simple: sex without protection = baby. I mean, isn't that exactly what's engrained in our heads as soon as we hit puberty?? Don't I know a million and two people who have "accidentally" gotten pregnant?? Then after the months continued and I began to research (i.e. google search) I began to realize how much a miracle conceiving really is. There is this very small 24 hour window out of the entire month that you have to try and pinpoint for even the possibility of it working. How does anyone ever have a baby?!? 

So here's the real: I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I feel like something is wrong with me. I feel like I have bad karma for all the years I said I never wanted to have kids. I feel like I am being punished for all the mistakes I made in my life. The more I read that after a year you should worry about infertility, I feel broken. The more and more common place infertility seems to be around me, I feel scared.

I remind myself every time I feel down how much I enjoy my time. I love the freedom of non-parent life and the ability to do things on a whim. I love this time I have with my husband without children most of all. I remind myself to just focus on enjoying this time we have together because once it's gone, it's gone. And most days, I do exactly that. I do not, by any means, want to imply that I walk around sad and morose about this all the time. Any of you who know me, know thats not true anyway. Nor do i want to imply that it hurts in the slightest to see so many of my friends pregnant or am bitter about it. I am beyond excited for each pregnant women I see and beautiful new baby I see. Least of all did I want to post this for pity. It's just been a rough week and I needed to write it out, sort my thoughts,and who knows? Maybe some one who reads this is going through the same thing and knows they aren't alone. I know that God has a plan and that I have to trust and rely on Him. I do. But I also know that it doesn't mean I won't struggle.