JUST ONE OF THOSE MORNINGS...

This morning was just one of those mornings. One little thing going wrong off-plan leading to another little thing and so on. We've developed a nice routine to our days with Thea. The morning routine being the most important given that's when we are trying to get out the door on time for work, while making sure we've grabbed everything for the day. For being so little, babies sure need so much! A typical morning looks like this:

5:30             Mommy and Daddy wake up
5:30-5:50     Mommy and Daddy get ready
5:50-6:00     Mommy finishes getting ready, makes oatmeal, gets set up to nurse
                    Daddy wakes Thea, changes her and dresses her for the day
6:00             Mommy nurses Thea *pumps 20 min simultaneously
                    Daddy leaves
6:40-6:45    Mommy loads up bags and Thea and leaves

And some where in there is preparing Thea's bottles for the day and my pumping stuff for work. I lay out mine and Thea's clothes the night before and we make sure lunches are made and the diaper bag is restocked at night too. So it's really been pretty great and smooth flowing. 

Today, our morning looked a little more like this:

5:30             Mommy and Daddy wake up
5:30-5:50     Mommy and Daddy get ready
5:50-6:00     Mommy finishes getting ready, makes oatmeal, gets set up to nurse
                    Daddy wakes Thea, changes her and dresses her for the day
6:00             Mommy's boobs leak on her shirt, Mommy takes shirt off
6:05             Mommy nurses Thea
                    Daddy has upset stomach and goes into bathroom
6:10-6:15    Thea has a series of back to back poopy farts while nursing
                    Mommy realizes Thea is beginning to leak out of her diaper onto nursing pillow 
                       and grabs her leg to keep her from moving and letting it out
                    Mommy (who has a pump attached on one side and baby on the other) calls    
                       out to Daddy (who is still in the bathroom) so he can grab her before it gets
                       on everything
6:15             Mommy unattaches and gets Thea up only to discover holding her leg still was
                       pointless because she already leaked out the other side onto the pillow and 
                       couch.
                    Mommy gets Thea to changing table and begins undresses her
                    Daddy finally emerges from the bathroom and is running late for work
                    Daddy leaves
6:20             Mommy starts to finish nursing Thea again....
                    Thea poops again
                    Mommy changes Thea
6:25             Mommy tries to finish nursing Thea
                    Thea doesn't want to anymore
                    Mommy still has to pump 20 minutes
6:45-6:50     Mommy gets Thea's bottles ready (milk is still slushy and not as easy to pour)
                       and pump bag ready for work
                    Mommy still has to go find a new shirt to wear for work
6:50-6:55     Mommy loads up bags and Thea and leaves (with a while bowl of untouched 
                       oatmeal on the counter and no coffee)  

And somewhere in there was a not-so-nice attitude with my husband, frantic running around, and a few tears of frustration. In favor of being completely transparent, I also need to add that my husband got really frustrated (with the aforementioned bad attitude I was giving him) and walked out of the door for work, only to walk right back in and apologize cause he didn't want us to leave angry (something he knows is really important to me. He's really pretty great!). I, however, was not quite done being frustrated and said nothing. I'm a jerk.

I HATE being late. All week I've been basically begging my sister (who I'm meeting half way in the mornings for a kid swap) to make sure she is there by 7. And OF COURSE the FIRST day I actually have to meet her....I'm running late. So by the time I hit my driver's seat, I can basically just laugh at the way the morning has gone. It can only go up from here right? But the guilt and conviction also start to sink in as I reversed out of my drive way. What kind of example did I just set for my daughter? Yes, I know that she isn't old enough to remember this (though I fully believe babies do pick up on the emotion around them and try to always be aware of letting myself get so overwhelmed that it rubs off on her) but if I'm not controlling myself now, how am I going to when she is old enough? Do I want to set an example that a bad attitude and ugly words are okay when things aren't going the way you want them? Do I want her to be unforgiving when someone is apologetic? So I began asking God to give me a better attitude. After all, nothing that happened this morning was even bad. I was just so worked up over running late (again...full transparency..I might also add that I wasn't actually late for when I HAVE to be at work, I just like getting there at a certain time to feel more prepared...so I was late by MY standards). I started thinking about how blessed I am and how thankful I am for the time I get with Thea in the mornings. I thought about the people who don't get that opportunity and how even the craziest mornings don't cast even the slightest of shadows over the overwhelming love I have for her. Attitude completely changed! And then God gave me even more....He gave me a beautiful lake sunrise view to enjoy during my new morning route. All I could do was smile.

Thankful for a forgiving God who gives even more than we ask and sends me heart sweet reminders. Thankful for the mornings (and days and nights) He has given me with Thea. Even the crazy off-plan ones that teach this momma a lesson or two. I'm sure there will be plenty more. And yes, I did apologize to my sweet husband.    

THE TOP 4 THINGS I'VE LEARNED IN 4 WEEKS OF MOTHERHOOD

It's hard to believe it's already been 4 weeks since my baby girl came into this world and made me a mom for the first time. Yesterday made it a whole official month. And what a transforming, incredible month it has been. Here are the Top 4 things I've learned this month...

1

Such a tiny little being completely changes your life and the way you view everything. I can't watch tv or read the news the same way anymore. Anything involving children instantly makes me think about if it was MY child and brings me to tears. Everything you THINK you will or will not do BEFORE your baby is here is completely up for debate after. "I won't hold my baby all the time and spoil them" really translates to dropping whatever you are doing and running to your baby the moment they start screaming. "They'll sleep in their own bed right away" translates to pulling the bassinet as close to your bed as possible and not even being able to imagine a time in the near future that you can move your baby to their own room. 

2

Your body no longer feels like your own. The very first time I saw myself in the mirror at the hospital after giving birth, I had to do a double take in shock when I realized I didn't have a baby belly anymore. I hadn't really considered that it wouldn't be there. I attributed that initial shock to the fact to the disassociation I felt described in Thea's birth story. But I've learned that the feeling doesn't really go away. Not going to lie, there have been days I've really missed the belly. I loved being pregnant. I was really comfortable in my body during pregnancy. There was something womanly and beautiful feeling about knowing my body was doing exactly what God had created it to do. That my body could grow and nurture life. After giving birth, I expected that my body wouldn't immediately look the same. I was prepared for stretch marks and for my stomach to take some time to go down to normal. Surprisingly though, I lost all the pregnancy weight by the first week and am actually below my pre-pregnancy weight now (hooray for only gaining the "recommended" pregnancy weight and breastfeeding!) ...BUT I didn't expect how soft my stomach would be. Let's be real, I've never had a toned, hard stomach. But now I feel squishy, and my belly button feels deep, and of course the dreaded "pouch" from my C-section incision wasn't expected. So between that and the milk factory that my boobs have become, it's hard to feel at home in my body. However, my baby is completely worth all these "marks of motherhood" and I'm learning to view my body with pride. Our bodies are amazing things mommas!

3

You can google and read everything about anything but your mommy instincts truly are the best. As someone who feels like I need to look up and research basically everything (informed decisions people!) I have still found that God has given us this amazing instinct and as a mother we are going to know our child and what works for them best. Trust those instincts mommas! They are going to look different for everyone so don't compare yourself to anyone else.

4

Motherhood is the absolute best and most emotional experience of life. Nothing compares. From the overwhelming love I feel every time I look at my baby to the absurd paranoia of anything jeopardizing my baby's health and safety, I've never felt such a wide range of emotions all the time. It's an incredible thing to know that this tiny little being is completely reliant on me and that God has entrusted me to guide and direct her through life! 

 Thea Kay // 4 weeks old

THE ARRIVAL OF THEA KAY

Thea Kay Caram has arrived!

I've been wanting to record Thea's birth story while it's still fresh (ish) in my mind. I guess the story really begins on Friday, September 25. I had an appointment with my OB who, along with the high risk doctor I had been seeing for gestational diabetes, agreed that I should be induced at 39 weeks. Apparently, it's a better option for anyone with GD that isn't very tightly managed to not go past 39 weeks because there's more risk of complications at 40+ weeks. I hadn't wanted to do this unless it was necessary as I would prefer she come naturally when she was ready. My appointment on Friday was to discuss this and run some tests. My OB ran a series of tests where Thea had to meet 3 separate criteria to make sure she was prepared to even make it to 39 weeks. All the tests came back perfectly and my doctor was confident that I was pretty much ideal for induction right at 39 weeks which fell the following Monday. I felt more at peace with the induction leaving the appointment, knowing it would be better for Thea and that everything would seemingly go off without a hitch. So the induction was scheduled for Monday, September 28. It was such a weird feeling KNOWING exactly when I would meet Thea. That weekend was spent spending time together on a date night and making last minute preparations- double checking to make sure we had everything we needed once she got home, stocking up on groceries and household items, etc. Sunday night rolled around and all there was left to do was wait for morning. Around 11pm, I started having contractions. For the first time, I was having real life contractions- very different from the Braxton Hicks I had been experiencing for weeks! I couldn't believe it! I timed them throughout the night and they never got closer than 8-9 minutes apart, but I was very uncomfortable with pain radiating through my lower back and pelvis so needless to say, when they alarm went off at 4:45am, I had never fallen asleep. 

Before leaving for the hospital, I took my very last belly pic and our last picture together as a family of two. As we walked out of the door, we knew that the next time we walked through them, we'd have our baby with us. 

At the hospital, my contractions were still steady. By the time my doctor got there and checked me, I was dilated to a 4 and she said I had most likely already started early labor if I was feeling contractions also. I felt even better about an induction knowing that Thea would have come on her own naturally in a day or so anyway! And I remember thinking what a coincidence it was that it started the night before being induced and how I loved being able to add that to her birth story.

The nurse gave me an IV (way more painful than the contractions I was having at that point!) to start giving me the stuff to speed along my contractions and my doctor told me she'd be back around noon to break my water if it hadn't happened yet. For a few hours, I sat there as my contractions got stronger and closer together. Contractions had been easy to manage to that point and I had decided not to ask for an epidural unless they got strong enough that I wanted it but not until then. I would say the most pain I had felt at that point was still only a 6 or 7 on a scale of 1 to 10. My doctor came in to check on my progress a couple times and everything was moving along perfectly. 

At one point, the nurse brought in this huge peanut ball to put between my legs as I laid on my side so that it could open up my hips and keep baby's head in a good position. A contraction hit me really strong while I was using the peanut and I had the urge to turn back on my back so I could straighten out my stomach during the contraction. I had a couple friends and family in the room so I called my mom to help me get it out from under me without lifting the sheet and showing everyone my business. It took us a minute to get situated, during which time the contraction hadn't gone away and I wanted to straighten out desperately. As soon as the peanut was moved and I had flipped over, I felt a ton of liquid gush out between my legs. I told Chris that I thought my water had broke and I was all wet. Before we could even comprehend that, an excruciating painful contraction hit. They had immediately jumped from a 7 to off the scales at a 13! With the contraction came another huge gush of liquid. At this point I began crying. I didn't like being soaking wet and felt like I hadn't even had any warning to ask for an epidural before my contractions had jumped to unbearable. We called the nurse in to explain that my water had broke and I was ready for an epidural. The contractions kept coming, extremely close together (to me, it didn't even feel like half a minute went by after one ended before the next began), and with each one came another gush of liquid. When they nurse came over, she lifted my sheets and I heard her say that it wasn't my water, it was blood. I cried harder, terrified, knowing that it shouldn't have been blood gushing out like that. She checked my cervix and I was dilated to a 6 and I told her I wanted the epidural asap. She called my doctor in, as my mom and Chris each held one of my hands, trying to help me breathe through the contractions. They were agony and I just knew something was wrong. When my doctor came into the room, she checked me again and confirmed that I was dilated to a 6. She told the nurse to prepare the epidural and that it would still be a couple hours. Another contraction. More blood. My doctor decided to check me again, not knowing where the blood was coming from. In less than 1 minute, I had dilated from a 6 to a 9. Less than one minute after saying it would be a couple hours until delivery, I heard my doctor say that we needed to get this baby out and they needed to knock me out for an emergency C section right away. I looked at my husband, bawling all over again. He knew how much I had not wanted to have a c-section. I was so confused and couldn't understand how everything had changed so suddenly. Within minutes I had gone from "progressing perfectly" to "emergency c-section". 

I didn't have time to try to understand. I was devastated about a c-section but knew my baby needed out and fast. They wheeled me out of the room, telling Chris he had to stay behind. As they rushed me down the hall, I was terrified and now alone. I had no idea what to expect. Nothing was going the way it was supposed to. Next thing I knew, I was in an extremely bright room with about 10 hands touching and doing different things around me. Hands begin to strip me down, move me onto a table, put an oxygen mask on my face....I couldn't even tell what all was happening around and to me. I was in shock. A man looked down into my face telling me I was going to go to sleep and not to worry. He told me that they were going to take care of me and my baby. He told me to take 3 deep breaths.

What felt like literally one second later, I saw Chris. He was telling me everything was ok. He told me we had a baby. I didn't understand. I had just closed my eyes. I couldn't have a baby yet. He showed me the picture below. He showed me a video of our baby crying with a mask on her face. She was in NICU. She wasn't breathing correctly. I had to watch the video 3 times.

I kept asking where the baby was, confirming that I had already had her. I couldn't comprehend anything. I was dazed. Couldn't understand. Typing this just now, I am very emotional. I can't help but cry all over again. As ecstatic as I am to have my beautiful baby girl and as much as I know it was the best thing to do, even now I am sad that I didn't get to experience her being brought into this world. I didn't get to experience pushing, hearing her first cry, getting to have the first look at her as the doctor lifted her up. Instead I closed my eyes for one second and had a baby magically appear in another part of the hospital the next. I felt disassociated. I don't regret it for a moment, but I think I'll always be a little saddened by this.

It took hours before I would finally see her. After the wooziness of the anesthesia wore off and they were ready to take me to the regular room I would be staying in, they took me by NICU on the way so I could meet my baby girl for the first time. 

I can't even explain the overwhelming emotions that crashed through me when I held my baby for the first time. The sadness and disassociation I had been feeling, extreme happiness, relief, amazement- all these feelings at the same time. Finally, it was real. I had my daughter in my arms. Daddy got to hold her for the first time too. We couldn't believe how perfect and beautiful she was. They explained to me that she was in NICU because when they removed her from the sac, she came out screaming and had swallowed too much fluid which prevented her from being able to breathe properly. Her breathing had only been at 50%. But when we arrived, the oxygen mask had already been removed and she was breathing normally! They decided to still keep her overnight to monitor her blood sugar levels since I had gestational diabetes. I didn't get to stay long enough with my baby girl before they took me to my room.

The next day, we got to visit her in the NICU again and I got to feed her for the first time (they were giving her donor breast milk until I was able to start breast feeding her). 

Later that afternoon, she was able to leave NICU and stay in our room with us. We were thrilled! 

Thea is a beautiful, HEALTHY baby and we couldn't be more happy. The day she came into this world was the scariest day of my life, but also the best. My doctor still isn't sure what happened. I had an abruption. I had to look that up:

Placental abruption (abruptio placentae) is an uncommon yet serious complication of pregnancy.

The placenta is a structure that develops in the uterus during pregnancy to nourish the growing baby. If the placenta peels away from the inner wall of the uterus before delivery — either partially or completely — it's known as placental abruption. Placental abruption can deprive the baby of oxygen and nutrients and cause heavy bleeding in the mother.

Placental abruption often happens suddenly. Left untreated, placental abruption puts both mother and baby in jeopardy.

Basically, this was the risk when I had placenta previa the first trimester and had to be put on bed rest. But the previa was resolved early in my pregnancy and had not been an issue. According to my doctor, this shouldn't have happened. There were no warning signs and no risk factors. She's sent my placenta to a pathologist to find an answer.

Thea with my doctor

I am blown away when I think about God's love and protection. It's heartbreaking to think about what would have happened had I not gone ahead with scheduling the induction. Had I not already been at the hospital and this had happened at home, we wouldn't have made it to the hospital in time. I talked to my doctor about it the next day and she agreed that it would have had a much different outcome. I can't even think about that without breaking down. So even though I didn't want an induction at first, never wanted a c section at all, and ended up with both...I know that it was in God's perfect plan. He knew what would need to happen.

Excited when we were finally released to go home Thursday evening.

 Being a mom is absolutely the best thing in the world. My heart is so full. She is absolutely perfect and the most beautiful baby in the world. Today already marks one whole week! I'm desperately praying for time to slow down. Every single time I look at my baby girl, I am blown away by the fact that she is mine and God chose me to be her mom. I don't know that I'll ever get over it. I'm a bit obsessed with her. It's only been a week and already I can't imagine life without her.

ALL THE BAGS PT. 1: THE DIAPER BAG

Welcome to the first of 3 blogs I'll be posting about all the bags that I've been prepping for the arrival of baby. I packed the diaper bag last week and took pictures of the process to share. Anyone who knows me knows how much I HEART organization. Like it makes my heart really happy. They also know how much I need to research and be informed about everything (some may negatively call this "overthinking"). So after reading a lot of different mommy blogs on diaper bag essentials, I've come up with what I think will work for me. At least for the first few months, as I know diaper bags grow as your child does. Without further ado...

First step was to find a diaper bag. I wanted one that was cute enough to carry around as a regular bag since it will double as my purse, was easy to clean, and of course-lots of room. I ordered this Ju-Ju-Be one from Amazon and it does not disappoint! I also got this set of 7 various sized clear cosmetic bags for all the beloved organization. My label maker is in my classroom right now, but I'll also be labeling all these bags. Next, I gathered up all the supplies...

1) I got one of those grooming and health all in one kits. I added in a cute little first aid kit I found at the store, a travel pack of Kleenex, and some infant's Tylenol to make a sort of first aid emergency kit. 2) I received a travel set of baby wash, shampoo, powder, etc and added that along with a couple sample lotions and diaper creams in one of the small cosmetic bags in case of over night stays. 3) Sunscreen and hand sanitizer is part of the first aid but I put them in their own little bag in case of leaks.

I packed a couple extra outfits, an extra sleeper, and an extra pair of mittens and socks all nice and neat into one of the cosmetic bags. I packed 4 burp cloths (1 is a burp cloth/bib) into another bag. And l used 1 bag for a toy/activity bag. This bag is big enough to fit a small board book and a couple toys as she gets older and her entertainment interests change.

1) I packed all the individual bags inside the diaper bag. Look how nice they all fit! 2) The rest of the stuff are things that I wanted to have quicker, on-hand access too. A few extra diapers, wipes (love this cute refillable case I got at Target!), butt paste, and the disposable dirty diaper bag dispenser all went into one of the big inside pockets. 3) A pack of Wet Ones, a couple receiving blankets, and a case of "binkies" went in the other big pocket. 4) Everything still fitting nice and neat. 5) My bestie got me this cute flower band that I wrapped around the free diaper clutch (has a couple diapers and wipes inside) I got in my Target registry bag and a receiving blanket I will use as a changing pad. This is my quick portable changing station I can take into a public bathroom without having to have the whole bag with me. 6) I just laid this right on top and the inside of my diaper bag was complete.

The outside pockets are what I'm devoting to my mommy stuff. 1) On one side is one giant pocket that I filled with a nursing cover, a thin black scarf (a great tip I read for quick cover ups when you get spit up on), and my Baby K'Tan Breeze baby carrier (so excited to use this!). 2) On the other side is 3 split pockets. In one I have extra breast pads and the other 2 are perfect for my chapstick, wallet, and phone. I can even fit my water bottle in one! 3) I even had 2 of the cosmetic bags left over. One of which will eventually be used to carry snacks.

And there we have it folks. The diaper bag is checked off the to-do list. I'm sure I'll have something small for just simple diapers and wipes for times we drop her off in the church nursery and things like that. But this is my big ol momma bag. You may be wondering about bottles...my breast pump came with a little cooler that I'll use for transporting her bottles to the sitter when needed. 

 So is there anything you experienced mommas would add? Any essentials that you found useful? Share what you packed in your diaper bag!

GROWN UP NIGHTMARES

It's Fall. Cold outside. I walk outside to find him around a fire at a party with his friends. I try to talk to him but his friends keep diverting me away. I have family visiting so I walk away to tell them bye as they load up to go back home. When I near the fire again, I can see that he is crying. I want to comfort him. But I also need answers. Finally, he agrees to meet with me. We seek privacy in one of the bedrooms. I ask him "Why?". Deja Vu. I feel like we've been here before. Isn't this what happened last time? This out-of-the-blue break up? I'd made sure to always ask him if he was happy this time. I'd begged with him to talk to me before it ever got to this point again. Give me a chance to fix it. But here we were. He looks at me with tears in his eyes, offering no answers. I stare back at him, my eyes begging for this not to happen. Then something changes. Gone are the tears from his eyes. Instead his eyes grow cold. A smirk appears on his face. "I'm just not attracted to you anymore. You're not sexy." It's like a dagger to my heart. I stand up and walk to the door, looking at him again with tears in my eyes before I walk out of the room. I don't want him to see how much he hurts me. I collect myself and walk back into the room. The cruel smirk is still on his face. "I'm pregnant." I counter, as an excuse for my un-sexiness. "Nah, even before that. I haven't been attracted to you for years." More spiteful words are said, every insecurity I have flowing from his mouth. Finally, I take off the ring that sits on my left hand and place it in front of him. I exit the room and shut myself into the bathroom before letting the tears flow freely. I hear the bedroom door shut as he leaves. For good. My mom comes into the bathroom to comfort me and tells me everything will be ok. But I know it won't. Despite his cruelty, he's all I want. 

I woke up crying, saying "No!" rather firmly into my pillow. I reached over to Chris to assure myself it was just a dream. His side of the bed was empty. I looked at the clock. He shouldn't have left for work for another few minutes. I panicked and called out to him. He came into the room. Real-life Chris never wears that cruel smirk or cold eyes. He hugged me and I could calm down.

________________________________________

I'm at work when I receive the worst phone call you can get. There's been an accident. It's Chris. He didn't make it. I refuse to believe the news and continue about my work day. I don't understand why people are looking at me with sad eyes, offering their condolences. "It's not true." I say with a smile and decide to drive to the scene to prove it. On my way to the gas station where it supposedly happen, I receive another phone call. This time it's Chris. "I told everyone it wasn't true!" I smile into the phone. His voice is sad. "It is true, baby. I'm so sorry. Know that I love you more than anything. I have to go." Still not understanding, I beg him not to hang up. I'm about to arrive at the gas station and I can prove it. But he's already hung up. I pull up to the gas station and see the police tape blocking off the entire parking lot. I scan the lot for his car..for any wreckage. I see none. A good sign. I try calling Chris back and no one answers. I continue about my day. Later, I receive a call from my bank about wether I need to switch the names on the accounts. Strange. Why would I do that? I still continue going about my day normally. Still not understanding the sad looks directed at me. I talked to him for goodness sake! Walking down a hallway towards an elevator, I receive another call. This time from the insurance. All at once, it finally hits me. He's gone. This is real. I will never see him again. Kiss him. Grow old with him. "You can't even wait a day?!" I scream into the phone before stepping into the elevator and throwing it against the wall. In the privacy of the elevator, I lose it. I pound on the wall, scream, cry. I won't survive this.

I woke up hysterically bawling. The dream had been too real, too vivid. I turned over and threw my arms around Chris, who was startled awake by my cries. "What's wrong?" he asked me, concerned. I couldn't answer. I just gripped him tight and continued to ugly cry for at least 30 minutes. After I finally calmed down, he asked me what my dream was about. Just the question made me cry again. It was a few hours before I could tell him.

________________________________________

These are a couple dreams I've had just the past few weeks- the first one actually from today. Worse- each time I managed to fall back asleep, I fell right back into the dream! These are my nightmares. Isn't it funny how as we grow older, they stop being about psychotic killers or monsters chasing us through the streets? I almost wish for those.

I've heard that pregnancy could bring on disturbing or vivid dreams, but this is like my sub-conscious is force feeding me my worst fears. I have never in my life cried so hard from a dream as I did that last one. Writing it out, putting my fears out there for you to read, I wish I could say now how silly it feels. But it doesn't. It still affects me. I spent basically that entire day praying to God for Chris's safety, terrified that I would receive that phone call for real.

I often joke with my husband that I love him too much. But it's not really a joke. I feel like I would not be able to go on without him and would die right along with him like in The Notebook or even some real life news stories I've seen of elderly couples. I know how melodramatic that sounds and that a lot of you probably just rolled your eyes. But whatever. It's simply to explain that losing him- wether through death, divorce, or anything else preventing us from spending our whole lives together- has become my biggest fear. And the evil sandman knows it.

The truth is though, that we never know when loved ones may be taken from us or when a marriage may come to an end. We should strive, every day, to make sure that the people in our lives know how much we love them. We should work hard on our marriages every day and not take our partners for granted. Marriage is a gift. I've already worried about how parenting will change my own relationship with my husband. I've seen so often how "Mom & Dad" completely replaces "Husband & Wife". I'm not saying that parenting isn't important and should fall to the sidelines- it's another gift and blessing from God that should be cherished. But it shouldn't mean that your relationship as a couple falls away either. It's so easy to get caught up in the busyness of every day to remember these things. But we have to make it a priority! God has given us these people and these relationships so let's take care of them.

"HIGH-RISK"

Saturday was a scary, emotional, tear-filled day. 

It started when I got ready to go out for the day with my husband. I wanted to wear a pair of shorts but none of them fit me since my bump decided to appear out of no where a couple weeks ago and has not stopped growing since. 

The left is the first day my bump made it's appearance and then today. Seriously.. this is just 10 days difference?! That seems crazy. Is this normal???

I figured it was time to pull out one of my belly bands for the first time. It then preceded to take me about an hour to figure out how to wear, with help from my poor husband and a ton of frustration from me which led to tears from me. Then I just began crying more cause I felt stupid for crying over something so stupid. Hormones I tell ya. Come to find out I had been using the belly band upside down which is why it wouldn't work right. But finally I was dressed and ready to go and all calmed down.

Then the scary and even more emotional part of our day began. **The next part might be a little TMI but a lot of you know that I ended up admitted into the hospital Saturday night and people have been asking about what happened and if we are okay so I figured a blog post was the best way to update everyone about it.** As we were in the Apple store taking care of Chris's phone, I began suddenly bleeding pretty heavily. I texted my Mom and sisters who told me to head to the hospital immediately. And the tears began flowing again for the second time that day. This time for very scary, real reasons. 

I was so scared and just began praying to God for them to tell me it was all nothing and send me home. My mind began going back to this past Wednesday in my LifeGroup. We are doing the Explicit Gospel study and in the video we watched this past week, Matt Chandler goes to say how God doesn't owe us anything. When his son was young he had a severe seizure one night and on the way to the emergency room he was praying to God, realizing that God didn't OWE him the life of his son and that God either strengthen him through this experience or through his loss. Wow. I began pleading with God, telling Him I was not strong enough for the loss part. To please please not strengthen me in that way.

When I arrived at the hospital, it wasn't as simple as I had hoped. I ended up being dilated to a 1 and they began asking me if my water had broke and if I was having any contraction like pains (I wasn't feeling pain at all), concerned I was trying to go into early labor. At 17 weeks, obviously this would be way too soon. My fear spiked. I was admitted into the hospital for the first time in my life as they contacted the doctor to do an ultrasound. My family and best friend arrived and I felt strengthened. I knew I had them praying for me too. 

Praise God that the ultrasound found that although the outside of my cervix was dilated, the top was completely closed and whatever was going on, Baby C was not being affected. Baby was completely fine. Chris and I got to see our sweet baby moving around on the screen and see the heart and brain and just how much Baby has grown (I haven't had a sonogram since Week 10 and man what a difference!). I can never explain how reassuring it is to see or hear my baby every single time I get the chance to.

The ultrasound did show that what was causing the bleeding was that my placenta is laying lower than it should be. It is covering the very edge of my cervix instead of being completely raised away from it. The rubbing can cause the vessels in the top of the cervix to rupture hence the bleeding. The risk is that the placenta itself tear. So I was put on bedrest and pelvic rest for 48 hours until I could have a follow up with my doctor today.

I was hoping for the all clear to go back to work tomorrow since this is a crazy week to be missing (I'm the Director of the Elementary Musical which is this Friday, meaning rehearsals every day this week) but unfortunately my bedrest and pelvic rest is extended another week until another follow up next week. Basically as of now I am considered "high-risk" and it will be on a week by week basis if I am taken off bedrest. 95% of the time the placenta eventually moves up as the pregnancy progresses, it's just a matter of when. From what I understand, once the placenta has moved I will no longer be at high risk. So here's to praying that placenta gets moving this week.

Ultimately, as much as bedrest and especially pelvic rest sucks, Baby is ok and that is the most important thing to me. I know this was long so thank you for caring to read. Thank you everyone so much for your prayers over this weekend. Chris and I (and Baby C) appreciate it. It's so hard to remain strong and have faith when things are so scary but I couldn't imagine how much scarier things would have been without faith at all. 

THE HAPPIEST REASON...

Well, it's been almost 2 whole months since I have posted to this dear old blog. An emotional, sick, beautiful 2 months. In the past 2 months, I have cried, slept, and thrown up (gross, I know) more than any other period of time in my adult life. For someone who is generally never sick, not very emotional, and a huge night owl...it's been hard. I haven't felt like myself. I've cried to my incredibly supportive, caring, and amazing husband how sorry I am because I don't feel I've been able to be a wife. 

BUT...these have also been the most amazing, beautiful couple months of my life. Every time I got sick was just a reminder of this sweet blessing growing inside of me. 

A sweet, fellow preggo friend of mine sent me this today...

This is so absolutely true! Every miserable, nauseating, exhausting, overwhelming second has been so completely worth it. I've felt a twinge of guilt any time I've said that I was feeling bad or had any complaint because this is the greatest thing that has happened to me. And I wouldn't take back even one second of it. As envious as I may be of these people who have had perfect pregnancies with zero side effects, I wouldn't trade one part of the process that is leading me to motherhood.

Also, I am happy to say I am 13 weeks today and have officially entered in to the last week of my first trimester! It is amazing what a huge difference this has already made. I have felt SO much better this last week. I have to brag on my husband because he has been the best caretaker. Pretty much taking care of everything from cleaning up to cooking dinner while I laid in bed every night. Never complaining or having an attitude but just being so loving instead. I really hit the jackpot with this one, guys! So incredibly thankful for him. Hopefully now that I am feeling better I'll be able to take back over the wifey stuff. =)

That's really all that's been going on in my little world. Just wanted to put an update out there. Now that I have a little more energy, I should be blogging a little more. 

Right now I just feel really fat and uncomfortable in these pregnancy pics and HATE taking them. However I know at the end , I'll love having the whole thing documented. So there they are.

FOR THIS CHILD I HAVE PRAYED...

This is the BEST news I have ever been able to give....

I'M PREGNANT!!!

It's a little blurry but that little screen for sure says "pregnant". I've only checked it about every 5 min.

It's out there. It's real. I still can't believe it! I took 3 different tests (4 if you count the one I took a week prior and mistook as negative) and just stared at each one! Not gonna lie, I still have the first digital one and I will keep picking it up to stare at the words "pregnant" until the battery dies. We found out January 25th and it was confirmed by the doctor today, February 4th. I'm estimated at 7 weeks! Find out for sure by Friday. *Although I am pretty sure already given they had me tracking my ovulation and I can pretty much pinpoint conception.*

Thank you everyone for all the prayers over the last 9 months since I shared our struggles with conceiving. We are feeling so excited and happy and just kinda floating on Cloud 9. I don't know how anyone ever keeps this in for the whole first trimester!!! I always thought I would be someone who would do that. But we've had so many people in prayer for us that I couldn't not share this huge blessing that you've all been praying with us about. I wanted to tell the world the moment it happened. It was hard enough waiting to have the doctors appointment to confirm.

So reactions....

Mine was ridiculous. I bawled. Not in a "happy tears" kinda way. I was terrified. The first test I took was just a test strip I got with my ovulation tests. I was so scared that I was reading it wrong. That I was just not getting something right. It couldn't possibly be positive. 

**Let me explain... if you've ever taken the kind of ovulation test that is just a test strip (not the plastic ones you get at the store) then you know they aren't the easiest to read. It's basically judging how dark or faint a line is compared to another line. With an ovulation test, if the line is ANY fainter than the one that comes on the strip then its negative. When I used the pregnancy strip the week before, I figured it was the same thing. The line was faint so I threw it away and tossed it up to my cycle being crazy and abnormal as always. Another week later, I decided to take another one, not really believing it would be different. That's when it hit me that the package of the pregnancy strips did NOT have the same results. No line was negative and ANY line was positive. This led to lots of staring and comparing. And then all the bawling.*** 

Basically I was too scared to be happy at first. I've been planning on telling Chris is some cute way and that was completely ruined. He came into the room to me sitting on the bed bawling my eyes out. He hugged me tight as he tried to figure out what had happened. After a minute of not being able to speak, I finally got out "maybe I'm pregnant". He obviously was a little confused by my reaction. He smiled and just reminded me that this is what we wanted. I showed him the test strip and then made him go get me a box of the digital ones at the store. I wanted one to just straight up say the words so there was no mistaking me reading it wrong. We went by the store on the way to church so I wasn't able to take it till after. But then I got the words I've been looking for for 2 years. Finally I let the happiness and excitement and just pure joy take over. Chris had a big smile and he hugged me tight. I can't believe how cool, calm, and collected he's been through the whole thing. I am freakin out!! In the best way. I also planned on waiting to tell the parents. I've had it all planned how I would get an annoucement picture done and just have them over for dinner and give them the picture. That didn't happen. I couldn't wait to share all this joy with someone. We told the parents the same night. I took video of my parent's reaction. Didn't take my mom long to figure it out on her own. Apparently it's "all over my face". 

I wanted to wait until after the actual doctor's appointment to tell the rest of the family. Over a week I had to wait! Brutal. Again...how does anyone wait a whole trimester?!  Yes, I get that there is a reason... but God forbid that something does happen (I can't even THINK about that without crying all over again) then I know having the support of family and friends would be a lot easier then feeling like I had to carry the burden alone since I never told anyone in the first place.

And now I get to share it with the rest of the world. 

There's so many of you out there that are still in the waiting process. I just encourage you to stay strong and have faith. You guys have been such an encouragement to me these last few months and gave me the strength I needed to not let myself get discouraged. It CAN happen!!! 

Excuse the jumbled emotion of thoughts pouring out in this post. I'm just so dang excited I don't think I could try and make sense of any of it. God willing, in just 9 months I'll have a baby!!! I'll be a MOM! Craziness.

NEW RECIPES

I've been trying a lot of new recipes since I started meal planning. I wanted to share a few that I've tried the past couple weeks. These are my real pictures of how they all turned out! I hate when the pinterest picture (or whatever other site you use to find recipes) looks like perfection and then it doesn't come out at all like that! =) 

Find this recipe here

I was so excited to find this recipe. I love having coffee in the morning but I like it sweet and creamy. Like half coffee, half cream kinda coffee. But I am trying to cut out sugar. This was super easy and fast to make and smelled soooooo good. Even after adding it to the coffee it still smelled so sweet and delicious. Then I tasted it and I was a little disappointed. It didn't taste nearly as strong as it smelled. It kind of just tasted like watered down coffee and not very sweet at all. BUT I am going to try again with regular milk instead of almond to make it thicker and add a little more of the spice and honey to sweeten. I'm not giving up yet. For all you normal coffee drinkers out there, this recipe may work just fine for you. It's a nice alternative (with way less ingredients) to store bought creamer.

Find this recipe here

 So this picture is actually my husband's plate. After I made his plate I couldn't get another big piece of leaf like that so I ate mine like a salad. I have yet to find good wrap leafs! Anyways... not going to lie. I was a little worried about this as I was cooking. There's a couple different asian seasonings and everything was just making a weird smell to me as it was cooking. But this was delicious! Definitely going in the meal plan rotation. I maaaay have used a teensy more sriracha than necessary. I love sriracha and spiciness but my husband can't handle too much. His mouth was on fire...but he still finished it. 

Find this recipe here

This meal is not paleo since it includes beans and corn. And a meatless meal was something different for us. But this is another good one! I really liked it but not sure how often it will make the rotation since the husband wasn't as much of a fan. He finished it but only after dousing it with a ton more cheese. He's not a big veggie (especially onion and pepper) lover and that's mostly what is in this. He actually really likes spaghetti squash (when I make it as spaghetti anyway) though. This basically just sautéed onion, bell pepper, and jalapeno layered with black beans, corn, and the spaghetti squash. The only hard part to this was actually cutting the squash! 

Let me know if you try any of these and how you like them.

MEAL PLANNING

I have always been pretty good about cooking. With the exception of the weekends, we typically have always eaten at home. Then came the busyness (*that word always looks so wrong to me*) of this past summer. With 2 weeks of being gone on vacation, and the following weeks spending late nights working on the house, and then moving....I got off track. And for some reason, I never quite got back on it. These last few months have been the most I've not cooked in our entire marriage. 

A couple weeks ago, I started writing out a meal plan. I figured maybe if I wrote it down then I'd be better about actually doing it. I got a cute little calendar with notes on each page, perfect for writing out the grocery list. That Saturday I sat down to write the first 2 weeks of plans. 

5 1/2 hours later I was done.

5 1/2!! There has got to be an easier way! Some of that time was spent finding recipes (I think a lot of the problem with not getting back on track with cooking is because I am sick of just meat and veggies all the time) and then writing the things I needed for each recipe, and then organizing all that into a grocery list. It's time to make the next 2 weeks menu, and I am planning on working a little each night on it so it doesn't eat so much of one day! Although specific recipes usually cause us to spend more than usual at the grocery store, it has been fun cooking and trying new recipes.

And it has worked so far! I've cooked every night this last week and even cooked the whole weekend! I think it definitely keeps me from backing out when there's already a plan. Written in stone guys. =)

How many of you make a meal plan? Have you found a more efficient way? What are some recipes I should include (preferably PALEO)?

RINGING IN THE NEW YEAR WITH A GRATEFUL HEART

Well another year has passed and a new one is underway. This time of year is one of my favorite. Still coming off from the magic of December and into the freshness of new beginnings and endless possibilities, people seem fulfilled, refreshed, and determined to be the best that they can be. 

As the world is solidifying resolutions, vowing to change and better themselves, and looking to the future, I find myself looking back. I find myself reflecting on the past year and the overwhelming amount of gratitude I feel. There's no other version of my life I could imagine that would be better than the one I have now. 

Are there things I want to better myself at? Of course. I want to journal/write/craft/read more. I want to lose weight/be healthier/take care of my body better like anyone else. Are there things my heart desires? Yes. A baby. Being more faithful to in-depth bible study and strengthening my relationship with Christ.


Those are all good things. Setting goals, striving towards being the best me that I can be- it's a great thing. It's important. But it's also important to recognize and reflect on the ways that God has provided for, cared for, and blessed me already in this life. 

As I reflect on my life, I feel gratitude for God's unending love and grace. In all the ways I fail  Him, in all the ways I need to better myself spiritually- He never gives up on me. Never stops loving me. He continues to shower me with blessing after blessing. 

I think about another year I got to spend with my husband. I swear I fall more in love with that man everyday. Not even 5 years ago, I would have never been able to tell you that we would end up together much less be where we are now. Today, people comment all the time about how amazing our relationship seems and how in love we seem. Do we have a perfect marriage? Obviously not. Do we fight? Of course. Is it amazing anyway? I think so. The years I've spent as his wife have been the best of my life. And that's just another example of God's grace and blessings. He was able to take something very broken and make it amazing.

I think about another year I spent at my job. I love my job almost as much as I love my husband. And that's saying a lot! I love getting to be even a small part of these kid's life if only for a short time. My prayer is that in someway I get to make an impact in their life. I love getting to spend my day teaching and being creative with my kids. I love that I get to work in a Christian environment in a ministry that is passionate about teaching kids about God.

I could go on and on about everything I am grateful for in my life. Maybe the life I have seems boring to some. Maybe they see nothing special. But it's mine and I love it. I challenge you, in this time of determination and goal-making, not to forget to take a moment to thank God for what IS.

Here's to ringing in the new year with a grateful heart and accomplishing all those goals in 2015!