GROWN UP NIGHTMARES

It's Fall. Cold outside. I walk outside to find him around a fire at a party with his friends. I try to talk to him but his friends keep diverting me away. I have family visiting so I walk away to tell them bye as they load up to go back home. When I near the fire again, I can see that he is crying. I want to comfort him. But I also need answers. Finally, he agrees to meet with me. We seek privacy in one of the bedrooms. I ask him "Why?". Deja Vu. I feel like we've been here before. Isn't this what happened last time? This out-of-the-blue break up? I'd made sure to always ask him if he was happy this time. I'd begged with him to talk to me before it ever got to this point again. Give me a chance to fix it. But here we were. He looks at me with tears in his eyes, offering no answers. I stare back at him, my eyes begging for this not to happen. Then something changes. Gone are the tears from his eyes. Instead his eyes grow cold. A smirk appears on his face. "I'm just not attracted to you anymore. You're not sexy." It's like a dagger to my heart. I stand up and walk to the door, looking at him again with tears in my eyes before I walk out of the room. I don't want him to see how much he hurts me. I collect myself and walk back into the room. The cruel smirk is still on his face. "I'm pregnant." I counter, as an excuse for my un-sexiness. "Nah, even before that. I haven't been attracted to you for years." More spiteful words are said, every insecurity I have flowing from his mouth. Finally, I take off the ring that sits on my left hand and place it in front of him. I exit the room and shut myself into the bathroom before letting the tears flow freely. I hear the bedroom door shut as he leaves. For good. My mom comes into the bathroom to comfort me and tells me everything will be ok. But I know it won't. Despite his cruelty, he's all I want. 

I woke up crying, saying "No!" rather firmly into my pillow. I reached over to Chris to assure myself it was just a dream. His side of the bed was empty. I looked at the clock. He shouldn't have left for work for another few minutes. I panicked and called out to him. He came into the room. Real-life Chris never wears that cruel smirk or cold eyes. He hugged me and I could calm down.

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I'm at work when I receive the worst phone call you can get. There's been an accident. It's Chris. He didn't make it. I refuse to believe the news and continue about my work day. I don't understand why people are looking at me with sad eyes, offering their condolences. "It's not true." I say with a smile and decide to drive to the scene to prove it. On my way to the gas station where it supposedly happen, I receive another phone call. This time it's Chris. "I told everyone it wasn't true!" I smile into the phone. His voice is sad. "It is true, baby. I'm so sorry. Know that I love you more than anything. I have to go." Still not understanding, I beg him not to hang up. I'm about to arrive at the gas station and I can prove it. But he's already hung up. I pull up to the gas station and see the police tape blocking off the entire parking lot. I scan the lot for his car..for any wreckage. I see none. A good sign. I try calling Chris back and no one answers. I continue about my day. Later, I receive a call from my bank about wether I need to switch the names on the accounts. Strange. Why would I do that? I still continue going about my day normally. Still not understanding the sad looks directed at me. I talked to him for goodness sake! Walking down a hallway towards an elevator, I receive another call. This time from the insurance. All at once, it finally hits me. He's gone. This is real. I will never see him again. Kiss him. Grow old with him. "You can't even wait a day?!" I scream into the phone before stepping into the elevator and throwing it against the wall. In the privacy of the elevator, I lose it. I pound on the wall, scream, cry. I won't survive this.

I woke up hysterically bawling. The dream had been too real, too vivid. I turned over and threw my arms around Chris, who was startled awake by my cries. "What's wrong?" he asked me, concerned. I couldn't answer. I just gripped him tight and continued to ugly cry for at least 30 minutes. After I finally calmed down, he asked me what my dream was about. Just the question made me cry again. It was a few hours before I could tell him.

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These are a couple dreams I've had just the past few weeks- the first one actually from today. Worse- each time I managed to fall back asleep, I fell right back into the dream! These are my nightmares. Isn't it funny how as we grow older, they stop being about psychotic killers or monsters chasing us through the streets? I almost wish for those.

I've heard that pregnancy could bring on disturbing or vivid dreams, but this is like my sub-conscious is force feeding me my worst fears. I have never in my life cried so hard from a dream as I did that last one. Writing it out, putting my fears out there for you to read, I wish I could say now how silly it feels. But it doesn't. It still affects me. I spent basically that entire day praying to God for Chris's safety, terrified that I would receive that phone call for real.

I often joke with my husband that I love him too much. But it's not really a joke. I feel like I would not be able to go on without him and would die right along with him like in The Notebook or even some real life news stories I've seen of elderly couples. I know how melodramatic that sounds and that a lot of you probably just rolled your eyes. But whatever. It's simply to explain that losing him- wether through death, divorce, or anything else preventing us from spending our whole lives together- has become my biggest fear. And the evil sandman knows it.

The truth is though, that we never know when loved ones may be taken from us or when a marriage may come to an end. We should strive, every day, to make sure that the people in our lives know how much we love them. We should work hard on our marriages every day and not take our partners for granted. Marriage is a gift. I've already worried about how parenting will change my own relationship with my husband. I've seen so often how "Mom & Dad" completely replaces "Husband & Wife". I'm not saying that parenting isn't important and should fall to the sidelines- it's another gift and blessing from God that should be cherished. But it shouldn't mean that your relationship as a couple falls away either. It's so easy to get caught up in the busyness of every day to remember these things. But we have to make it a priority! God has given us these people and these relationships so let's take care of them.