WORD OF THE YEAR: INTENTIONAL

Intentional: done on purpose, deliberate

Intentionality is something I've found myself meditating on a lot this year. Intentionality in many different aspects, specifically in regards to relationships. Intentional in my parenting and time with Thea, intentional in the relationship with my husband and being a wife first and mom second, and intentional in strengthening my relationship with God and making designated time to spend with Him. I think these are all areas that pretty much all of us strive for.

But one that has been coming to me recently is being intentional in friendships. 

We've been doing a series at church called "One Another" that has just really brought these desires home and convicted me. I think as adults, maintaining friendships is something that falls by the wayside in the busyness of all the other things I mentioned. Of course, our relationship with God and our spouses and children are and should be our priorities but if there's one thing that has really spoken to me during this series, it's the importance of friendship. Not just surface level friendship, but truly caring for people and finding people that you can be transparent and do life with. 

I can look at my life and see several friends. People I work with, people I go to church with, friends from different facets of my life. But when I'm honest, there's not many that I could consider those real kind of friends. People who you talk to outside of work, outside of church, etc. People who invest in your life. People you can share struggles with without fear of judgment. 

I don't say that as a "poor me, I have no friends", I say that because I haven't been intentional in this area. I haven't done my part to be invested in the life of others. I've often struggled with insecurity and wondering why some of my friendships have never moved beyond the workplace, church, or wherever. Why even people who I do consider a friend always seem more interested in hanging out with someone else. Or why there just seemed to be a lack of connection beyond the superficial. It feels really vulnerable to say that...but then I realize that that's exactly where the enemy wants me to be. When I am lost in that mentality, when I struggle with the insecurity, I don't step outside of my comfort zone. I don't initiate conversations or go out of my way to make someone feel that I truly care. 

In this series, we learned how God calls us to LOVE one another, Share our BURDENS with one another, CONFESS to one another, SERVE one another, and to MOTIVATE one another. These are the marks of true friendship and why God shows us time and time again that these relationships are important. Why He tells us not to forsake the gathering of believers. When we pour into other's lives, we'll find that they'll likely pour into ours too. BUT even if they don't, we are still called to be that kind of friend. Maybe I'm the only one that struggles with this and lets the busyness of my own life hinder me from developing these kind of friendships, but I'm convicted to make that my goal. The definition of intentional, as I posted at the beginning, is "done on purpose" or "deliberate". That means it takes thought. For some people this is a gift that comes naturally, but probably for the majority it's something that means we have to deliberately decide to do it. And that means stepping outside the comfort zone and maybe feeling uncomfortable. Thank you to the friends who have spoken into my life. Your friendship means more than you know.

JUST ONE OF THOSE MORNINGS...

This morning was just one of those mornings. One little thing going wrong off-plan leading to another little thing and so on. We've developed a nice routine to our days with Thea. The morning routine being the most important given that's when we are trying to get out the door on time for work, while making sure we've grabbed everything for the day. For being so little, babies sure need so much! A typical morning looks like this:

5:30             Mommy and Daddy wake up
5:30-5:50     Mommy and Daddy get ready
5:50-6:00     Mommy finishes getting ready, makes oatmeal, gets set up to nurse
                    Daddy wakes Thea, changes her and dresses her for the day
6:00             Mommy nurses Thea *pumps 20 min simultaneously
                    Daddy leaves
6:40-6:45    Mommy loads up bags and Thea and leaves

And some where in there is preparing Thea's bottles for the day and my pumping stuff for work. I lay out mine and Thea's clothes the night before and we make sure lunches are made and the diaper bag is restocked at night too. So it's really been pretty great and smooth flowing. 

Today, our morning looked a little more like this:

5:30             Mommy and Daddy wake up
5:30-5:50     Mommy and Daddy get ready
5:50-6:00     Mommy finishes getting ready, makes oatmeal, gets set up to nurse
                    Daddy wakes Thea, changes her and dresses her for the day
6:00             Mommy's boobs leak on her shirt, Mommy takes shirt off
6:05             Mommy nurses Thea
                    Daddy has upset stomach and goes into bathroom
6:10-6:15    Thea has a series of back to back poopy farts while nursing
                    Mommy realizes Thea is beginning to leak out of her diaper onto nursing pillow 
                       and grabs her leg to keep her from moving and letting it out
                    Mommy (who has a pump attached on one side and baby on the other) calls    
                       out to Daddy (who is still in the bathroom) so he can grab her before it gets
                       on everything
6:15             Mommy unattaches and gets Thea up only to discover holding her leg still was
                       pointless because she already leaked out the other side onto the pillow and 
                       couch.
                    Mommy gets Thea to changing table and begins undresses her
                    Daddy finally emerges from the bathroom and is running late for work
                    Daddy leaves
6:20             Mommy starts to finish nursing Thea again....
                    Thea poops again
                    Mommy changes Thea
6:25             Mommy tries to finish nursing Thea
                    Thea doesn't want to anymore
                    Mommy still has to pump 20 minutes
6:45-6:50     Mommy gets Thea's bottles ready (milk is still slushy and not as easy to pour)
                       and pump bag ready for work
                    Mommy still has to go find a new shirt to wear for work
6:50-6:55     Mommy loads up bags and Thea and leaves (with a while bowl of untouched 
                       oatmeal on the counter and no coffee)  

And somewhere in there was a not-so-nice attitude with my husband, frantic running around, and a few tears of frustration. In favor of being completely transparent, I also need to add that my husband got really frustrated (with the aforementioned bad attitude I was giving him) and walked out of the door for work, only to walk right back in and apologize cause he didn't want us to leave angry (something he knows is really important to me. He's really pretty great!). I, however, was not quite done being frustrated and said nothing. I'm a jerk.

I HATE being late. All week I've been basically begging my sister (who I'm meeting half way in the mornings for a kid swap) to make sure she is there by 7. And OF COURSE the FIRST day I actually have to meet her....I'm running late. So by the time I hit my driver's seat, I can basically just laugh at the way the morning has gone. It can only go up from here right? But the guilt and conviction also start to sink in as I reversed out of my drive way. What kind of example did I just set for my daughter? Yes, I know that she isn't old enough to remember this (though I fully believe babies do pick up on the emotion around them and try to always be aware of letting myself get so overwhelmed that it rubs off on her) but if I'm not controlling myself now, how am I going to when she is old enough? Do I want to set an example that a bad attitude and ugly words are okay when things aren't going the way you want them? Do I want her to be unforgiving when someone is apologetic? So I began asking God to give me a better attitude. After all, nothing that happened this morning was even bad. I was just so worked up over running late (again...full transparency..I might also add that I wasn't actually late for when I HAVE to be at work, I just like getting there at a certain time to feel more prepared...so I was late by MY standards). I started thinking about how blessed I am and how thankful I am for the time I get with Thea in the mornings. I thought about the people who don't get that opportunity and how even the craziest mornings don't cast even the slightest of shadows over the overwhelming love I have for her. Attitude completely changed! And then God gave me even more....He gave me a beautiful lake sunrise view to enjoy during my new morning route. All I could do was smile.

Thankful for a forgiving God who gives even more than we ask and sends me heart sweet reminders. Thankful for the mornings (and days and nights) He has given me with Thea. Even the crazy off-plan ones that teach this momma a lesson or two. I'm sure there will be plenty more. And yes, I did apologize to my sweet husband.    

THE TOP 4 THINGS I'VE LEARNED IN 4 WEEKS OF MOTHERHOOD

It's hard to believe it's already been 4 weeks since my baby girl came into this world and made me a mom for the first time. Yesterday made it a whole official month. And what a transforming, incredible month it has been. Here are the Top 4 things I've learned this month...

1

Such a tiny little being completely changes your life and the way you view everything. I can't watch tv or read the news the same way anymore. Anything involving children instantly makes me think about if it was MY child and brings me to tears. Everything you THINK you will or will not do BEFORE your baby is here is completely up for debate after. "I won't hold my baby all the time and spoil them" really translates to dropping whatever you are doing and running to your baby the moment they start screaming. "They'll sleep in their own bed right away" translates to pulling the bassinet as close to your bed as possible and not even being able to imagine a time in the near future that you can move your baby to their own room. 

2

Your body no longer feels like your own. The very first time I saw myself in the mirror at the hospital after giving birth, I had to do a double take in shock when I realized I didn't have a baby belly anymore. I hadn't really considered that it wouldn't be there. I attributed that initial shock to the fact to the disassociation I felt described in Thea's birth story. But I've learned that the feeling doesn't really go away. Not going to lie, there have been days I've really missed the belly. I loved being pregnant. I was really comfortable in my body during pregnancy. There was something womanly and beautiful feeling about knowing my body was doing exactly what God had created it to do. That my body could grow and nurture life. After giving birth, I expected that my body wouldn't immediately look the same. I was prepared for stretch marks and for my stomach to take some time to go down to normal. Surprisingly though, I lost all the pregnancy weight by the first week and am actually below my pre-pregnancy weight now (hooray for only gaining the "recommended" pregnancy weight and breastfeeding!) ...BUT I didn't expect how soft my stomach would be. Let's be real, I've never had a toned, hard stomach. But now I feel squishy, and my belly button feels deep, and of course the dreaded "pouch" from my C-section incision wasn't expected. So between that and the milk factory that my boobs have become, it's hard to feel at home in my body. However, my baby is completely worth all these "marks of motherhood" and I'm learning to view my body with pride. Our bodies are amazing things mommas!

3

You can google and read everything about anything but your mommy instincts truly are the best. As someone who feels like I need to look up and research basically everything (informed decisions people!) I have still found that God has given us this amazing instinct and as a mother we are going to know our child and what works for them best. Trust those instincts mommas! They are going to look different for everyone so don't compare yourself to anyone else.

4

Motherhood is the absolute best and most emotional experience of life. Nothing compares. From the overwhelming love I feel every time I look at my baby to the absurd paranoia of anything jeopardizing my baby's health and safety, I've never felt such a wide range of emotions all the time. It's an incredible thing to know that this tiny little being is completely reliant on me and that God has entrusted me to guide and direct her through life! 

 Thea Kay // 4 weeks old

"HIGH-RISK"

Saturday was a scary, emotional, tear-filled day. 

It started when I got ready to go out for the day with my husband. I wanted to wear a pair of shorts but none of them fit me since my bump decided to appear out of no where a couple weeks ago and has not stopped growing since. 

The left is the first day my bump made it's appearance and then today. Seriously.. this is just 10 days difference?! That seems crazy. Is this normal???

I figured it was time to pull out one of my belly bands for the first time. It then preceded to take me about an hour to figure out how to wear, with help from my poor husband and a ton of frustration from me which led to tears from me. Then I just began crying more cause I felt stupid for crying over something so stupid. Hormones I tell ya. Come to find out I had been using the belly band upside down which is why it wouldn't work right. But finally I was dressed and ready to go and all calmed down.

Then the scary and even more emotional part of our day began. **The next part might be a little TMI but a lot of you know that I ended up admitted into the hospital Saturday night and people have been asking about what happened and if we are okay so I figured a blog post was the best way to update everyone about it.** As we were in the Apple store taking care of Chris's phone, I began suddenly bleeding pretty heavily. I texted my Mom and sisters who told me to head to the hospital immediately. And the tears began flowing again for the second time that day. This time for very scary, real reasons. 

I was so scared and just began praying to God for them to tell me it was all nothing and send me home. My mind began going back to this past Wednesday in my LifeGroup. We are doing the Explicit Gospel study and in the video we watched this past week, Matt Chandler goes to say how God doesn't owe us anything. When his son was young he had a severe seizure one night and on the way to the emergency room he was praying to God, realizing that God didn't OWE him the life of his son and that God either strengthen him through this experience or through his loss. Wow. I began pleading with God, telling Him I was not strong enough for the loss part. To please please not strengthen me in that way.

When I arrived at the hospital, it wasn't as simple as I had hoped. I ended up being dilated to a 1 and they began asking me if my water had broke and if I was having any contraction like pains (I wasn't feeling pain at all), concerned I was trying to go into early labor. At 17 weeks, obviously this would be way too soon. My fear spiked. I was admitted into the hospital for the first time in my life as they contacted the doctor to do an ultrasound. My family and best friend arrived and I felt strengthened. I knew I had them praying for me too. 

Praise God that the ultrasound found that although the outside of my cervix was dilated, the top was completely closed and whatever was going on, Baby C was not being affected. Baby was completely fine. Chris and I got to see our sweet baby moving around on the screen and see the heart and brain and just how much Baby has grown (I haven't had a sonogram since Week 10 and man what a difference!). I can never explain how reassuring it is to see or hear my baby every single time I get the chance to.

The ultrasound did show that what was causing the bleeding was that my placenta is laying lower than it should be. It is covering the very edge of my cervix instead of being completely raised away from it. The rubbing can cause the vessels in the top of the cervix to rupture hence the bleeding. The risk is that the placenta itself tear. So I was put on bedrest and pelvic rest for 48 hours until I could have a follow up with my doctor today.

I was hoping for the all clear to go back to work tomorrow since this is a crazy week to be missing (I'm the Director of the Elementary Musical which is this Friday, meaning rehearsals every day this week) but unfortunately my bedrest and pelvic rest is extended another week until another follow up next week. Basically as of now I am considered "high-risk" and it will be on a week by week basis if I am taken off bedrest. 95% of the time the placenta eventually moves up as the pregnancy progresses, it's just a matter of when. From what I understand, once the placenta has moved I will no longer be at high risk. So here's to praying that placenta gets moving this week.

Ultimately, as much as bedrest and especially pelvic rest sucks, Baby is ok and that is the most important thing to me. I know this was long so thank you for caring to read. Thank you everyone so much for your prayers over this weekend. Chris and I (and Baby C) appreciate it. It's so hard to remain strong and have faith when things are so scary but I couldn't imagine how much scarier things would have been without faith at all. 

FOR THIS CHILD I HAVE PRAYED...

This is the BEST news I have ever been able to give....

I'M PREGNANT!!!

It's a little blurry but that little screen for sure says "pregnant". I've only checked it about every 5 min.

It's out there. It's real. I still can't believe it! I took 3 different tests (4 if you count the one I took a week prior and mistook as negative) and just stared at each one! Not gonna lie, I still have the first digital one and I will keep picking it up to stare at the words "pregnant" until the battery dies. We found out January 25th and it was confirmed by the doctor today, February 4th. I'm estimated at 7 weeks! Find out for sure by Friday. *Although I am pretty sure already given they had me tracking my ovulation and I can pretty much pinpoint conception.*

Thank you everyone for all the prayers over the last 9 months since I shared our struggles with conceiving. We are feeling so excited and happy and just kinda floating on Cloud 9. I don't know how anyone ever keeps this in for the whole first trimester!!! I always thought I would be someone who would do that. But we've had so many people in prayer for us that I couldn't not share this huge blessing that you've all been praying with us about. I wanted to tell the world the moment it happened. It was hard enough waiting to have the doctors appointment to confirm.

So reactions....

Mine was ridiculous. I bawled. Not in a "happy tears" kinda way. I was terrified. The first test I took was just a test strip I got with my ovulation tests. I was so scared that I was reading it wrong. That I was just not getting something right. It couldn't possibly be positive. 

**Let me explain... if you've ever taken the kind of ovulation test that is just a test strip (not the plastic ones you get at the store) then you know they aren't the easiest to read. It's basically judging how dark or faint a line is compared to another line. With an ovulation test, if the line is ANY fainter than the one that comes on the strip then its negative. When I used the pregnancy strip the week before, I figured it was the same thing. The line was faint so I threw it away and tossed it up to my cycle being crazy and abnormal as always. Another week later, I decided to take another one, not really believing it would be different. That's when it hit me that the package of the pregnancy strips did NOT have the same results. No line was negative and ANY line was positive. This led to lots of staring and comparing. And then all the bawling.*** 

Basically I was too scared to be happy at first. I've been planning on telling Chris is some cute way and that was completely ruined. He came into the room to me sitting on the bed bawling my eyes out. He hugged me tight as he tried to figure out what had happened. After a minute of not being able to speak, I finally got out "maybe I'm pregnant". He obviously was a little confused by my reaction. He smiled and just reminded me that this is what we wanted. I showed him the test strip and then made him go get me a box of the digital ones at the store. I wanted one to just straight up say the words so there was no mistaking me reading it wrong. We went by the store on the way to church so I wasn't able to take it till after. But then I got the words I've been looking for for 2 years. Finally I let the happiness and excitement and just pure joy take over. Chris had a big smile and he hugged me tight. I can't believe how cool, calm, and collected he's been through the whole thing. I am freakin out!! In the best way. I also planned on waiting to tell the parents. I've had it all planned how I would get an annoucement picture done and just have them over for dinner and give them the picture. That didn't happen. I couldn't wait to share all this joy with someone. We told the parents the same night. I took video of my parent's reaction. Didn't take my mom long to figure it out on her own. Apparently it's "all over my face". 

I wanted to wait until after the actual doctor's appointment to tell the rest of the family. Over a week I had to wait! Brutal. Again...how does anyone wait a whole trimester?!  Yes, I get that there is a reason... but God forbid that something does happen (I can't even THINK about that without crying all over again) then I know having the support of family and friends would be a lot easier then feeling like I had to carry the burden alone since I never told anyone in the first place.

And now I get to share it with the rest of the world. 

There's so many of you out there that are still in the waiting process. I just encourage you to stay strong and have faith. You guys have been such an encouragement to me these last few months and gave me the strength I needed to not let myself get discouraged. It CAN happen!!! 

Excuse the jumbled emotion of thoughts pouring out in this post. I'm just so dang excited I don't think I could try and make sense of any of it. God willing, in just 9 months I'll have a baby!!! I'll be a MOM! Craziness.

RINGING IN THE NEW YEAR WITH A GRATEFUL HEART

Well another year has passed and a new one is underway. This time of year is one of my favorite. Still coming off from the magic of December and into the freshness of new beginnings and endless possibilities, people seem fulfilled, refreshed, and determined to be the best that they can be. 

As the world is solidifying resolutions, vowing to change and better themselves, and looking to the future, I find myself looking back. I find myself reflecting on the past year and the overwhelming amount of gratitude I feel. There's no other version of my life I could imagine that would be better than the one I have now. 

Are there things I want to better myself at? Of course. I want to journal/write/craft/read more. I want to lose weight/be healthier/take care of my body better like anyone else. Are there things my heart desires? Yes. A baby. Being more faithful to in-depth bible study and strengthening my relationship with Christ.


Those are all good things. Setting goals, striving towards being the best me that I can be- it's a great thing. It's important. But it's also important to recognize and reflect on the ways that God has provided for, cared for, and blessed me already in this life. 

As I reflect on my life, I feel gratitude for God's unending love and grace. In all the ways I fail  Him, in all the ways I need to better myself spiritually- He never gives up on me. Never stops loving me. He continues to shower me with blessing after blessing. 

I think about another year I got to spend with my husband. I swear I fall more in love with that man everyday. Not even 5 years ago, I would have never been able to tell you that we would end up together much less be where we are now. Today, people comment all the time about how amazing our relationship seems and how in love we seem. Do we have a perfect marriage? Obviously not. Do we fight? Of course. Is it amazing anyway? I think so. The years I've spent as his wife have been the best of my life. And that's just another example of God's grace and blessings. He was able to take something very broken and make it amazing.

I think about another year I spent at my job. I love my job almost as much as I love my husband. And that's saying a lot! I love getting to be even a small part of these kid's life if only for a short time. My prayer is that in someway I get to make an impact in their life. I love getting to spend my day teaching and being creative with my kids. I love that I get to work in a Christian environment in a ministry that is passionate about teaching kids about God.

I could go on and on about everything I am grateful for in my life. Maybe the life I have seems boring to some. Maybe they see nothing special. But it's mine and I love it. I challenge you, in this time of determination and goal-making, not to forget to take a moment to thank God for what IS.

Here's to ringing in the new year with a grateful heart and accomplishing all those goals in 2015!

RESENTMENT, LOVE, AND FORGIVENESS

I started my day almost in tears. Of anger. I have an unjustifiable resentment/anger for someone who isn't even really in my life. The more the situation is mentioned, the more it builds. Just a friend request and message set it off this morning. If you know me, you know that I pretty much love everyone. I've been told I'm too forgiving (no such thing by the way) and I don't really hold on to a grudge. It takes a lot to cause any sort of resentment in me. I shook my head at myself this morning, chastising myself for having such a strange and weird reaction. And this person hasn't even done anything to me personally. But then it hit me....

It hit me that I feel this way because of a similar situation I experienced. I guess I need to back up a little and explain. Here's the watered-down short version...

The first 9 years of my life consisted of a lot of instability, abuse, and many other grown up things that children shouldn't be aware of. **I don't say this for pity. In fact, I have a hard time mentioning it in fear of that. I am fully aware that my situation could have been so much worse and there are so many children that never escape. I am forever thankful for God's hand in my life and His provision and guidance in bringing me out of that.** I was born to addict parents who were in and out of jail, and eventually prison. Basically, they were not able to care and provide for 3 children the way they needed to be.  

When I was 9 years old, I went to live with a new family. 5 years later I would be officially adopted. There was a time in those years that I was returned to live with my biological mother again. I don't know how long I was with her before she made the decision to send me back to my family. It was the single best thing she has ever done for me. I still respect her for that decision. It was the only memory I had of her truly doing something for ME. However, even though I respected that decision and absolutely wanted nothing more than to live with my new family forever, I resented her. Simply because I was old enough to understand that this was happening because there was something in her life more important than me. Drugs, partying, etc. My sisters and I were not enough to make her stop. I resented her because I was old enough to understand that I had experienced things I shouldn't have had to. I was old enough to KNOW. 

That is not the end of the story, thank God. I no longer feel that way. God has given me the ability to forgive and let go of that resentment and establish a friendship. Hopefully one day I will be brave enough to share the entire story. My testimony. That is not the point of today's post. When I think about WHY I feel so inexplicably angry and resentful towards this person, I know it's because it reminds me of that. And it hurts me even more to see children I love face the same thing. You see, my oldest sister is adopting 2 precious little kids. Their biological mother is the "person" I have been talking about. The whole process began with my sister trying to help her. Taking her kids and caring for them while she did some stuff she needed to do to get her life in a place she could be the best for her children. In this time, she has had another baby boy. Which another sister of mine is fostering until it is decided if the mother is doing what she needs to do to care for him or if he will be placed for adoption. Long story short, she has proven over and over again that she is not doing the things she's supposed to. I KNOW what it's like to be the child in that situation. To feel like you are not important enough. To be old enough to realize that when your mom disappears for a few months it's not because of anything good. It kills me that these precious babies have the chance to feel that too. I know that all I can do is be there to love them and show them exactly the opposite, just like my family did for me. I wish I could talk sense into her. That I could tell her from the kids perspective how her choices affect them. I wish I could tell her that adoption- that letting them go and working on getting herself clean- is the best thing she can do for them. That THAT is the decision they will look back on and respect.

Today, as I arrived to work and had our morning prayer meeting, my boss gave us a little devotion about how our responsibility as Christians is to love people. Love. Ironic? Nope.

NEW (SCHOOL) YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

Happy Labor Day! Or as I like to think of it...the last day of long nights and sleeping in. Yep, his is the last official day of summer break. The first day of the school year is tomorrow! I love that we start after Labor Day so that my last day gets to be a full day off with my husband.Yay for lots of Hubby Quality Time!  

Meet the Teacher Friday night was awesome. I am getting a few boys who were in my very first class I taught in Kindergarten which is always fun. And the rest of my boys and parents seemed just as excited as me about this school year. Awesome parents are always the biggest blessing for a teacher and it looks like I got a class full! I also have a class of BOYS this year! As in, literally ZERO girls! Which made me even more excited to introduce my new theme this year....

My classroom got a SUPERHERO makeover! I have been excited since the end of last school year about this. Superheroes is what I would have originally done when I began teaching 3 years ago, but since I found out pretty last minute, I had to go with what I could easily find at the teacher store (though I will miss all my pretty owls I've been given over the years, all packed up safe and sound for future use). 

Since the summer moved way faster and ended up being way busier than anticipated, I didn't get to make some of the stuff I wanted to and wasn't sure how it was all going to turn out. But I'm pretty happy with it! Scratch that...I kinda LOVE it! 

The boys seemed pretty excited about it so that's really what it's all about. I love when my kids are excited about their class and about coming to school. So this brings me to the next point...

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am NOT a morning person. Like in any sense. At all. My summer schedule pretty much consists of going to bed around 2-4am and waking up around 10-11am. That is my natural sleep cycle. Natural in the sense that that is just what it is when there is no reason for me to regulate it, i.e. work. (*making myself go to bed at a decent hour tonight is going to be interesting*) And when I am working, and therefore do have to mold myself to "normal" standards, I have always been one to set my alarm for the very last possible second I need to get up. Wake up, get ready, go to work. No extras. No time for surprises. WELL....not this year!

  I have a New (school) Year's Resolution... 

This year I am not going to take advantage of the fact that I now live about 3 minutes away from my job. I am not going to take advantage of the fact that I no longer need to leave earlier to pick my niece up for school. I am not going to take advantage of that extra 30 minutes or so and set my alarm accordingly. No, this year I am going to become a (semi) morning person! I am going to use that extra time to have a cup of coffee, sit at my kitchen table in front of my new pretty bay windows, and I'm going to spend time with God doing my bible study. That is my goal.

People always say how important it is to wake up and start your day with God, but I have always argued that my time was better spent at night when I am more awake and alert, since I am after all, NOT a morning person. Admittedly though, I have found it hard the last few months to stay faithful to bible study, with life getting so crazy that when I am finally done for the night I just want me time. Selfish I know. That has to change. I have to change it. Obviously, since I am NOT... (say it with me) a morning person, nothing is ever planned for the morning times except sleeping. And on occasion, more sleep. So there is no excuse, nothing "more important" (I know nothing is actually more important than God's word) to do, nothing to distract me, and hopefully no snooze button to be hit.

I am actually pretty excited about having the time for my coffee and to get into this new study over the book of John that we just began in our LifeGroup.

The journey to becoming a morning person (or at least a semi one) starts tomorrow! 

CHURCH, CAVEMEN, AND CHANGES

Exciting day here in Caramville. Yes, I said it...go with it. 

Sunday is weigh in day. Proud to say, I am down another 2.2 pounds this week, bringing my total loss to 13 pounds, since starting Paleo a month and a half ago. Chris is down 14 pounds! It's just the start and I can't wait to see how much more successful we will be as we continue this lifestyle.

I've had a lot of people asking me about Paleo and exactly what it entails. I am obviously not an expert or any sort of nutritionist to explain the science behind it. I am just a beginner and can only share my experience with it thus far. As well as the research I did before I decided it was for me. I gave a very brief summary of it before and how I connect to it. I found a couple infographics that simplify and describe it pretty well for anyone who is interested in knowing more. Y'all know how I like visual learning. =)

Today is the day we also officially became and were introduced as new members of Eagle's view Church in Saginaw. God led us here almost 3 months ago and we already feel so much a part of the family. We have made so many connections and met so many great people. We feel so blessed to have found such an amazing church home and look forward to what God has in store for the future of EVC.

Next week, we conclude the series "Labels" that we have been doing the last couple 

months. I have learned so much about what the Bible says our identity is Christ is versus what the world may say that you are. If you click on the logo above, it will take you to our website and their is an option under media to listen to the current sermon series. I encourage you to check it out.

Our Wednesday night LifeGroup has been doing a series called "The Reason for God" which is basically a pastor talking with a group of atheists, non-believers, etc as they present their questions/concerns with the Word of God. Not necessarily for the purpose of how to witness to them, but instead it really makes you dig into the Word to understand what you believe and why you believe it. Instead of just taking everything at someone else's word. We also just joined a new Sunday night LifeGroup where we are beginning "The Explicit Gospel". All in all, very excited for the things I have been learning and what I will continue learning.

Lastly, as you may have noticed, I changed the bloggy-blog up again. I think I'm finally satisfied and will be keeping it. For a bit. Let me know what y'all think.

ART JOURNALING AND CUTTING DOWN MY TIME WITH GOD

I'm not sure if I mentioned it here on my blog or not but one of my goals going into this year was to study the Word of God. Not only with the quick daily devotion where I devote a whole 2 minutes to God out of my entire day, but truly STUDYING. I decided to start with Genesis and just work my way through the Bible, chapter by chapter, dissecting as I go and seeing what God had for me to learn. I am not following any sort of "Read your Bible in a Year Plan" or anything because I do not want to feel rushed or that I absolutely had to get "this much" done. No time limits, no skim reading to finish, just God teaching me. So with the excitement that comes with all new goals, I promptly got started on researching different methods of study, bible marking, etc and came up with a system that works for me. I created my own color-coded Bible marking key (to pacify my OCD before making random marks every where and "ruining" my bible in my mind), pulled out my awesome NLT Parallel Study Bible and trusty KJV, and made the goal to do my study at least 3-4 days a week (on top of an actual daily devotion). In addition to the reading and marking, I decided to take notes on each chapter I read, as any good student would do. Because I learn visually and by writing things down, my note taking has morphed into a Bible art journal. I write, I doodle, I color. I am not an artist by any means but I love it! 

The whole process usually ends up taking a couple hours at least, and with that being said, I have not been as faithful to it as I wanted when I excitedly set my goal. In all honesty, I just picked it up a couple days ago for the first time in probably a month. I'm only on Genesis 13 and we are 3 months into the year, to give you an even further idea of how much of a slacker I am. I found myself thinking "If I could find a way to cut down the time, then maybe I could be more consistent". But the more I thought about my "process", (For those of you wondering...I read the chapter in my NLT and then my KJV. I use my coding key to mark my KJV. Then I read the study notes in both bibles for that chapter. Lastly, I do my journaling for my study.) the more I realized there's not one part of that I want to cut out because it all fits into the way I learn and retain. Then another thought slapped me across the face- How SELFISH am I? I easily spend 2 hours reading, watching TV, etc almost every day. But my first thoughts when it came to God's time were "How can I make this take less time?".

As I did a friend's hair this week, I was listening as she talked about dealing with the transition of being a parent to young children to being a parent of adults who no longer need you to "mother" them. She explained how frustrating it can be to only be in the loop of things when your child needs something or even just calling to vent their frustrations and hard times. Not frustrating because she doesn't want to be there for them in that way,(Let's be honest, we all just wanna call Mom when we have a rough day) but because her desire is to be included in all the happy, every day occurrences too. She went on to say how she wanted their time. Not because they stood to gain anything from it or because it felt like an obligation, but simply because they wanted to enjoy time with her. As I thought about the conversation later, I thought about how great a comparison that was to our relationship with our ultimate parent, God. 

God just wants a little of our time. Not only when we are going through a hard time and need his help, not only when we need a favor, not only what we have left over at the end of the day week month- in my case. He wants us to talk to him about the good things. He wants us to spend time with Him, not out of obligation or fulfilling some "Christian duty", but because we WANT to. 

Too many people think "God has the entire population to worry about...He doesn't care about my little day to day things". Wrong. The Bible calls him our Father for a reason. He does care. So instead of thinking of ways to cut down my study time, of getting it "out of the way", I need to enjoy that time with my parent because I love him. Because He loves me more than I could ever fathom. And because I am honored and humbled that He cares a whole lot about spending time with me.

ACCIDENTAL PHARISEES

So I've broken down and finally made myself take the time to log in and blog. I'm reading the book "Accidental Pharisees" by Larry Osborne right now. It's been convicting and very enlightening. Every week I've written down quotes that stood out to me or started a Facebook status that ended up being one of those annoying, "read more", too long for a status posts so I'd tell myself "I'll just blog it instead". And finally, here it is.

 "Presented with a Jesus-style ministry that attracts large crowds of spiritually uncommitted "whats-in-it-for-me" window shoppers (and then meets their needs and teaches them the counsel of God in a palatable way that leaves them longing for more), the spiritual elite write it off as a compromised ministry with a watered-down gospel."

Do you have a "John the Baptist ministry" mentality or a "Jesus ministry" mentality? People flocked to Jesus. Not necessarily because they all wanted to hear what He had to say but because they had heard rumors of a man who was healing people and performing miracles. It was a fickle bunch. The Bible doesn't always mention all these people's lives being completely transformed. But they left hearing the Truth- no matter what initially drew them there. Whereas, because John was typically in hard to reach places, it was usually the dedicated, committed few who ventured to seek him out. The religious leaders- and even John the Baptist himself who had personally baptized Jesus and heard the Father speak down and call Him Son- were baffled at Jesus's style of ministry. He went to the homes of the hated for fellowship, was friends with a prostitute, called out the high and mighty religious rulers of those days.

Too often today, we want to only cater to the strong, fully-committed Christian and look at it as "conforming to the world" to offer things that appeal to the lost. Experiencing a situation like this myself, the conversation came up between myself and a few family members about the "traditional, conservative" church service being the "correct" way to conduct church. Keep in mind, we were not arguing doctrine. First and foremost, in any church, the doctrine should be sound and truth. This was not an issue with the church mentioned. Rather, the critique was about the worship service not having the traditional choir singing hymns and rather a band playing contemporary music with the lights and screens and such. My uncle made the remark "Do you go fishing without baiting the hook? What's wrong with conforming in that way to the times and people coming in and receiving the sound Word of God?" I remember thinking (and still think) what a great analogy that was. What's wrong with baiting the hook? When it is still a heart of praise and the doctrine is sound? Isn't ,after all, the most important reason church exists and our primary goal as Christians to reach the lost? Why does our focus tend to get so wrapped up in the small things that don't pertain to salvation at all- whether that be the church music, different convictions, etc.

It makes me wonder what would happen if Jesus was here today? Would the majority of us be accepting and recognize Him as the true God? The religious leaders of the day were the most knowledgeable of the things of God and the religious traditions. They were all for God, until the way He interacted with the people and made everything suddenly so accessible didn't go along with the way they thought things should be. Then they tried to kill him.

"As valuable as biblical knowledge is, it should come with a warning label...the more we know, the more we're tempted to look down on people..."

These posts always seem to go way longer than I intend. Thank you to those who actually read these crazy rants I go on. =) A thought just gets in my head and keep growing until I finally can get it out. Maybe none of it makes sense, maybe you read it thinking how completely wrong I am. Completely fine with me. I'm not a bible scholar, teacher, or anything else. I don't claim or even think I have much bible knowledge at all. I just like to share the things I am thinking.

Have a great night. =)

BLESSINGS AND GORILLAS

Running today was miserable! How do all you runners do this in the Texas heat?? I was only able to jog a mile and I walked a lot more than normal, and I still came home more drenched than usual! Why in the world did I just sign up for a 5K at the end of JUNE?! Anyways... up until this point I have just been running (and yoga for stretching after), but today we added a mini-workout after our yoga. We used the app "Gorilla Workout" and did 4 rounds of squats, lunges, and push-ups. Then threw in some crunches in the end. Needless to say, I am sore. Why cant we all just sit around watching TV and reading books everyday and just be magically fit?!

Moving on...God has been so good! He just shows me over and over again how faithful He is when we just put our faith in Him! I am not saying this next part to brag (quite the opposite) or to say that you should do this so all these good things can happen to you...but my husband and I tithed for the first time a couple weeks ago. Sadly, this has always been a really hard thing for me. I am very much the type of person that budgets everything and does not make irrational choices on things I don't need outside of that budget. If you don't have it, don't spend it. And save if you can! So tithing...it goes against everything in my nature. I don't understand the concept of giving money that you don't have and just expecting that somehow money for bills is going to show up. And yes, I do know that part of the purpose in having faith that God provides for you. With that being said, tithing is something that started convicting us both months ago but always got pushed to the back of my mind and ignored. After going to a marriage seminar at church, we finally decided that we couldn't ignore it anymore. So, last month we gave our first tithe. And immediately, I have seen God's blessings!

After church that same day, we went to Albertson's. We went to Costco before we moved, but it's not very convenient to go to anymore, so we have been trying to find a grocery store that would kinda compare. We started with Walmart. We spent just as much as we did at Costco and the food lasted half the time. We decided to try Albertson's this time even though we'd never used them before. I can literally say I am not even sure what happened! I had the weekly ad and just used that to guide some of my choices. I was excited because I knew we were spending the same amount, but getting so much more (and more variety) then we had been able to at Walmart. Then I proceed to check out, when I learned how much I had actually saved- just using their ad mind you- $140! PLUS, he handed me a 3 inch pile of the store's monopoly game pieces that have coupons inside of them! I walked out completely dazed. I think we found our store.

And then, even BETTER- WAY better- news... My husband got a new job! Without even looking for one! A friend called last week saying that his company was hiring for the same kind of work that Chris does now. Chris sent in his resume and got the job the next day! There's some paperwork and such to do, but he got it! He starts in 2 weeks! His company he works for now is great (great bonuses and insurance) but he has to work 2 hours of overtime every day (10 hr days) to have an even decent paycheck cause the hourly is just not much. Plus he doesn't get off til 7 which puts him home at almost 8pm every night. With his new job, he will be making the same amount he does now WITH his overtime factored in, in a normal 8 hour work day. And he will get home around 3pm! He will still get over time from time to time and insurance (after 90 days). I am so incredibly excited to be able to spend more time with my husband and so happy for him that he can have hours he likes and not have to work such long hours every day.

So, hoping to get things is not the reason at all to tithe (God knows your heart), but I just wanted to say that God truly does bless and provide. I know I have rambled on and on but I couldn't NOT share that praise! Thank you God!

FITNESS

I began running 6 weeks ago. A huge thing for me. I have never been one to exercise at all and pretty much hated running (that has developed into a hate/LOVE relationship). I started running 3 days a week with the Couch-2-5k 8 week program. I only have 2 weeks left. I went from barely being able to run 60 seconds (not kidding, it was pitiful) to being able to run a little over a mile, at this week 6. I know a mile is nothing to you runners who run miles upon miles at a time, but for me it is something. It's an accomplishment. It's having stayed committed for 6 weeks (and still going!) when all I really want to do is sit and watch tv or read a book every day. And it is turning the "I can't" into "I can".

Today, I did my FIRST (I was hesitant, but there WILL be more) 5K at the annual "Coleson's F.R.O.G". ** an amazing foundation that helps families of children diagnosed with life threatening illnesses, such as pediatric cancer** event. My goal was to run a quarter over a mile (how would you say that? a mile and a quarter?.....) before I stopped for the first time, since I was able to run a tiny bit over a mile yesterday. Unfortunately, I didn't make that goal. Whether it was due to the fact that I didn't have my running motivator (aka my best friend, Tiffany) beside me to make me pace myself (I go much faster then I should) or because being surrounded by people running faster made me want to be faster, or maybe I just didn't push myself hard enough- either way, I am happy and proud to have finished and to have supported such and awesome cause. And I know one day I will be able to run the whole thing without stopping at all. Who knows? Maybe a half marathon or *gasp* full marathon one day??

Believe it or not, running is not the entire point of this post. Although I did not post 2 days in a row, as my last post

Through all this running, one thought has stayed with me. And that is that spiritual fitness is even more important than physical fitness. I finally started running out of the desperation of wanting to lose all the weight I've gained since I've been married and the frustration of feeling like I have the aches, pains, and endurance of someone more than twice my age at only 25. I KNOW that physical fitness is important and have never been motivated enough to do anything about it. It took coming to a place of "I cannot live this way anymore" to change that. Same goes in your spiritual life. It takes coming to that place of realizing you cannot live without Him, that you cannot do it on your own. When does it become a point to motivate yourself enough to dig into His Word? To cry out for God? To seek Him in all things? Just as there are things we have to do- steps we have to take- to be physically fit, there are also things we have to do to remain/grow spiritually fit. Just like a poor diet and no activity or exercise would stunt being physically fit, so does not digging into God's Word and not developing a relationship with Him.

I am not preaching this to y'all but rather to myself. It has been a strong conviction for me these last few weeks. Remaining faithful to studying my bible has always been a hard thing for me. I always start a devotional or new study with renewed excitement and the best intentions. And then other things begin slowly filling my time. Eventually, I find it has been days, even weeks, since I last picked up my bible other than for church. Desperation and Frustration fueled my running habit. How much more should desperation for God and and the frustration of being unfaithful motivate me to seek Him in His word? With running, I give myself goals and inspiration, while I let reading my bible fall to the side.

I do not mean that physical fitness does not matter. After all, it is God who gave us these bodies and we should cherish them and take care of them for His glory, like the precious gifts they are. **Side note: when you start seeing your body as a GIFT from God instead of your own to do as you want, it makes the wanting to take care of it a lot easier!** I only mean that as important as it is, how much more important is the spiritual being that lives inside that body? It is, after all, the only part going with us when we die. I am challenging myself, and you, to dig into our bibles and develop our spiritual man. Be spiritually fit!

PHILIPPIANS 4:13

I recently downloaded this Bible app (YouVersion) that has these built in reading plans that you can choose from. Plans include reading the whole bible in a year to various topical studies ranging from a few days to a few months.

I started a "She Reads Truth" ("an online movement of women committed to daily reading and being changed by God's Word" is how their series of plans are described) 11 day study of Philippians. Today was my last day and the devotional that stood out the most to me. It covered Philippians 4:10-23, which includes one of my favorite bible verses:

"I can do all this through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13 NIV

(thinking about it now, this translation actually makes you want to read what came before this verse with the use of "all this", whereas growing up I only knew the KJV which states "all things". Makes a difference. What comes before the verse is very important and puts the devotional part into even more perspective for me.) I encourage you to go read the passage in it's entirety if you haven't already.

We all know this verse very well. We use the KJV phrasing "I can do ALL THINGS through Christ which strengtheneth me" to motivate ourselves through some unpleasant chore or as we study for that test we think we will never pass. And while, God can and will help us through all the trying times in our life, this verse means so much more.

Philippians is a book written by Paul while he is in prison. Yet he was content in the Lord and was writing to encourage THEM! How many of us complain to anyone who will listen at the slightest trial we face? I don't say that to say that talking to people through hard times is wrong. We all get discouraged and need prayer and encouragement at many times throughout our lives. But we need to ask ourselves if we are letting Satan rob us of our joy? Are we letting trials and tribulations weigh us down and distract us from the things of God rather than bring us closer to Him and strengthen our belief that He is stronger than any battle? God wants us to praise Him in ALL things. This is what Paul was writing about. He was rejoicing in his life in Christ and was encouraging the church to do the same!

I am going to end this with a passage from the devotional I read tonight (over Philippians 4:10-23) that stood out to me the most and maybe it will give you a different perspective about Philippians 4:13 too.

 

"I can do all things through Him that strengthens me. Lord, help us not to cheapen this passage by casually muttering it before quickly muttering something that you may or may not have called us to. When we really see it, in context, in light of Paul's life- it means so much more. It CAN mean so much more to us.

Paul is talking about need and abundance. He can take hunger or plenty when the Lord is the One strengthening him. And we can walk in the same way. And that truly means so much more to me than knowing I could run a mile in under ten minutes or achieve all my personal financial goals.

We serve a God who doesn't just save us from our sin, doesn't just redeem our life from the pit, He also says- Hey, whatever life situation I hand you for the sake of my glory: if it's plenty, if it seems like not enough, if it's easy or rough- I'm going to give you the strength to get through it. Because I love you and because that's the best way for it to happen and you can trust Me.

Woosh. That's good stuff.

You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you."

<3

"MY FAITH" (COPY&PASTE)

So this post is actually just a copy and paste of what I have written inside my little "My Faith" tab over there on the sidebar (if you haven't checked those out...you should). ----------->
But in reading over it tonight, I felt like I should post it. I know most of you read this blog from your phone, in which case you do not get to see the side bar tabs (not to mention my cute page design) and have not had a chance to read this. As the tab says, this is just a description of my faith.

                   ______________________________________________

Faith is more than being spiritual. It's a personal relationship with God. It's more than believing in God. It's trusting your whole life to Him. It's more than a set of "do's" and "dont's". It's having the desire in your heart to live a life that shows Christ. It's so easy to think of God as this storybook character than a real life person that you'd have a relationship with, just as you would your spouse or friends. But that's exactly what He wants from us and what He created us for.
Being a Christian isn't about being perfect or "holy". It's not a religious act. It isn't a contract or a license to sin or to judge. All to often, people get the wrong impression of Christianity and Christians themselves because they see Christians with a "holier than thou, better than you" attitude. But being a Christian is about humbleness and love. Knowing that GOD, creator of all things, loves ME- a nobody,a no-good sinner- enough that He wants to have a relationship with me. That He sent His son to die so that He could have that relationship with me. [For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. -John 3:16] And if GOD can love me that much, who am I to not show others that same love? Who I am to judge another?

Putting all your trust and faith in God and His plan for your life, is knowing that no matter how good I am, no matter what "religious acts" I follow or don't follow, I cannot do it alone. Salvation is not something I can earn on my own. It is a free gift that He offers to those who truly accept it. [For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God -Ephesians 2:8] It doesn't mean that your life will magically be easy and without struggle or turmoil. It isn't a fix it button. But it does mean that God will always be by your side. It doesn't mean that you will never make mistakes and make bad choices. But we have a God who loves us and forgives us over and over again. Faith is accepting and trusting God with your life.

If you have any questions about any of this, please feel free to contact me [tdub8705@gmail.com]. I may not have all the answers. I am growing and learning more myself each day. But I can point you in the right direction if not.