WORD OF THE YEAR: INTENTIONAL

Intentional: done on purpose, deliberate

Intentionality is something I've found myself meditating on a lot this year. Intentionality in many different aspects, specifically in regards to relationships. Intentional in my parenting and time with Thea, intentional in the relationship with my husband and being a wife first and mom second, and intentional in strengthening my relationship with God and making designated time to spend with Him. I think these are all areas that pretty much all of us strive for.

But one that has been coming to me recently is being intentional in friendships. 

We've been doing a series at church called "One Another" that has just really brought these desires home and convicted me. I think as adults, maintaining friendships is something that falls by the wayside in the busyness of all the other things I mentioned. Of course, our relationship with God and our spouses and children are and should be our priorities but if there's one thing that has really spoken to me during this series, it's the importance of friendship. Not just surface level friendship, but truly caring for people and finding people that you can be transparent and do life with. 

I can look at my life and see several friends. People I work with, people I go to church with, friends from different facets of my life. But when I'm honest, there's not many that I could consider those real kind of friends. People who you talk to outside of work, outside of church, etc. People who invest in your life. People you can share struggles with without fear of judgment. 

I don't say that as a "poor me, I have no friends", I say that because I haven't been intentional in this area. I haven't done my part to be invested in the life of others. I've often struggled with insecurity and wondering why some of my friendships have never moved beyond the workplace, church, or wherever. Why even people who I do consider a friend always seem more interested in hanging out with someone else. Or why there just seemed to be a lack of connection beyond the superficial. It feels really vulnerable to say that...but then I realize that that's exactly where the enemy wants me to be. When I am lost in that mentality, when I struggle with the insecurity, I don't step outside of my comfort zone. I don't initiate conversations or go out of my way to make someone feel that I truly care. 

In this series, we learned how God calls us to LOVE one another, Share our BURDENS with one another, CONFESS to one another, SERVE one another, and to MOTIVATE one another. These are the marks of true friendship and why God shows us time and time again that these relationships are important. Why He tells us not to forsake the gathering of believers. When we pour into other's lives, we'll find that they'll likely pour into ours too. BUT even if they don't, we are still called to be that kind of friend. Maybe I'm the only one that struggles with this and lets the busyness of my own life hinder me from developing these kind of friendships, but I'm convicted to make that my goal. The definition of intentional, as I posted at the beginning, is "done on purpose" or "deliberate". That means it takes thought. For some people this is a gift that comes naturally, but probably for the majority it's something that means we have to deliberately decide to do it. And that means stepping outside the comfort zone and maybe feeling uncomfortable. Thank you to the friends who have spoken into my life. Your friendship means more than you know.

THE ARRIVAL OF THEA KAY

Thea Kay Caram has arrived!

I've been wanting to record Thea's birth story while it's still fresh (ish) in my mind. I guess the story really begins on Friday, September 25. I had an appointment with my OB who, along with the high risk doctor I had been seeing for gestational diabetes, agreed that I should be induced at 39 weeks. Apparently, it's a better option for anyone with GD that isn't very tightly managed to not go past 39 weeks because there's more risk of complications at 40+ weeks. I hadn't wanted to do this unless it was necessary as I would prefer she come naturally when she was ready. My appointment on Friday was to discuss this and run some tests. My OB ran a series of tests where Thea had to meet 3 separate criteria to make sure she was prepared to even make it to 39 weeks. All the tests came back perfectly and my doctor was confident that I was pretty much ideal for induction right at 39 weeks which fell the following Monday. I felt more at peace with the induction leaving the appointment, knowing it would be better for Thea and that everything would seemingly go off without a hitch. So the induction was scheduled for Monday, September 28. It was such a weird feeling KNOWING exactly when I would meet Thea. That weekend was spent spending time together on a date night and making last minute preparations- double checking to make sure we had everything we needed once she got home, stocking up on groceries and household items, etc. Sunday night rolled around and all there was left to do was wait for morning. Around 11pm, I started having contractions. For the first time, I was having real life contractions- very different from the Braxton Hicks I had been experiencing for weeks! I couldn't believe it! I timed them throughout the night and they never got closer than 8-9 minutes apart, but I was very uncomfortable with pain radiating through my lower back and pelvis so needless to say, when they alarm went off at 4:45am, I had never fallen asleep. 

Before leaving for the hospital, I took my very last belly pic and our last picture together as a family of two. As we walked out of the door, we knew that the next time we walked through them, we'd have our baby with us. 

At the hospital, my contractions were still steady. By the time my doctor got there and checked me, I was dilated to a 4 and she said I had most likely already started early labor if I was feeling contractions also. I felt even better about an induction knowing that Thea would have come on her own naturally in a day or so anyway! And I remember thinking what a coincidence it was that it started the night before being induced and how I loved being able to add that to her birth story.

The nurse gave me an IV (way more painful than the contractions I was having at that point!) to start giving me the stuff to speed along my contractions and my doctor told me she'd be back around noon to break my water if it hadn't happened yet. For a few hours, I sat there as my contractions got stronger and closer together. Contractions had been easy to manage to that point and I had decided not to ask for an epidural unless they got strong enough that I wanted it but not until then. I would say the most pain I had felt at that point was still only a 6 or 7 on a scale of 1 to 10. My doctor came in to check on my progress a couple times and everything was moving along perfectly. 

At one point, the nurse brought in this huge peanut ball to put between my legs as I laid on my side so that it could open up my hips and keep baby's head in a good position. A contraction hit me really strong while I was using the peanut and I had the urge to turn back on my back so I could straighten out my stomach during the contraction. I had a couple friends and family in the room so I called my mom to help me get it out from under me without lifting the sheet and showing everyone my business. It took us a minute to get situated, during which time the contraction hadn't gone away and I wanted to straighten out desperately. As soon as the peanut was moved and I had flipped over, I felt a ton of liquid gush out between my legs. I told Chris that I thought my water had broke and I was all wet. Before we could even comprehend that, an excruciating painful contraction hit. They had immediately jumped from a 7 to off the scales at a 13! With the contraction came another huge gush of liquid. At this point I began crying. I didn't like being soaking wet and felt like I hadn't even had any warning to ask for an epidural before my contractions had jumped to unbearable. We called the nurse in to explain that my water had broke and I was ready for an epidural. The contractions kept coming, extremely close together (to me, it didn't even feel like half a minute went by after one ended before the next began), and with each one came another gush of liquid. When they nurse came over, she lifted my sheets and I heard her say that it wasn't my water, it was blood. I cried harder, terrified, knowing that it shouldn't have been blood gushing out like that. She checked my cervix and I was dilated to a 6 and I told her I wanted the epidural asap. She called my doctor in, as my mom and Chris each held one of my hands, trying to help me breathe through the contractions. They were agony and I just knew something was wrong. When my doctor came into the room, she checked me again and confirmed that I was dilated to a 6. She told the nurse to prepare the epidural and that it would still be a couple hours. Another contraction. More blood. My doctor decided to check me again, not knowing where the blood was coming from. In less than 1 minute, I had dilated from a 6 to a 9. Less than one minute after saying it would be a couple hours until delivery, I heard my doctor say that we needed to get this baby out and they needed to knock me out for an emergency C section right away. I looked at my husband, bawling all over again. He knew how much I had not wanted to have a c-section. I was so confused and couldn't understand how everything had changed so suddenly. Within minutes I had gone from "progressing perfectly" to "emergency c-section". 

I didn't have time to try to understand. I was devastated about a c-section but knew my baby needed out and fast. They wheeled me out of the room, telling Chris he had to stay behind. As they rushed me down the hall, I was terrified and now alone. I had no idea what to expect. Nothing was going the way it was supposed to. Next thing I knew, I was in an extremely bright room with about 10 hands touching and doing different things around me. Hands begin to strip me down, move me onto a table, put an oxygen mask on my face....I couldn't even tell what all was happening around and to me. I was in shock. A man looked down into my face telling me I was going to go to sleep and not to worry. He told me that they were going to take care of me and my baby. He told me to take 3 deep breaths.

What felt like literally one second later, I saw Chris. He was telling me everything was ok. He told me we had a baby. I didn't understand. I had just closed my eyes. I couldn't have a baby yet. He showed me the picture below. He showed me a video of our baby crying with a mask on her face. She was in NICU. She wasn't breathing correctly. I had to watch the video 3 times.

I kept asking where the baby was, confirming that I had already had her. I couldn't comprehend anything. I was dazed. Couldn't understand. Typing this just now, I am very emotional. I can't help but cry all over again. As ecstatic as I am to have my beautiful baby girl and as much as I know it was the best thing to do, even now I am sad that I didn't get to experience her being brought into this world. I didn't get to experience pushing, hearing her first cry, getting to have the first look at her as the doctor lifted her up. Instead I closed my eyes for one second and had a baby magically appear in another part of the hospital the next. I felt disassociated. I don't regret it for a moment, but I think I'll always be a little saddened by this.

It took hours before I would finally see her. After the wooziness of the anesthesia wore off and they were ready to take me to the regular room I would be staying in, they took me by NICU on the way so I could meet my baby girl for the first time. 

I can't even explain the overwhelming emotions that crashed through me when I held my baby for the first time. The sadness and disassociation I had been feeling, extreme happiness, relief, amazement- all these feelings at the same time. Finally, it was real. I had my daughter in my arms. Daddy got to hold her for the first time too. We couldn't believe how perfect and beautiful she was. They explained to me that she was in NICU because when they removed her from the sac, she came out screaming and had swallowed too much fluid which prevented her from being able to breathe properly. Her breathing had only been at 50%. But when we arrived, the oxygen mask had already been removed and she was breathing normally! They decided to still keep her overnight to monitor her blood sugar levels since I had gestational diabetes. I didn't get to stay long enough with my baby girl before they took me to my room.

The next day, we got to visit her in the NICU again and I got to feed her for the first time (they were giving her donor breast milk until I was able to start breast feeding her). 

Later that afternoon, she was able to leave NICU and stay in our room with us. We were thrilled! 

Thea is a beautiful, HEALTHY baby and we couldn't be more happy. The day she came into this world was the scariest day of my life, but also the best. My doctor still isn't sure what happened. I had an abruption. I had to look that up:

Placental abruption (abruptio placentae) is an uncommon yet serious complication of pregnancy.

The placenta is a structure that develops in the uterus during pregnancy to nourish the growing baby. If the placenta peels away from the inner wall of the uterus before delivery — either partially or completely — it's known as placental abruption. Placental abruption can deprive the baby of oxygen and nutrients and cause heavy bleeding in the mother.

Placental abruption often happens suddenly. Left untreated, placental abruption puts both mother and baby in jeopardy.

Basically, this was the risk when I had placenta previa the first trimester and had to be put on bed rest. But the previa was resolved early in my pregnancy and had not been an issue. According to my doctor, this shouldn't have happened. There were no warning signs and no risk factors. She's sent my placenta to a pathologist to find an answer.

Thea with my doctor

I am blown away when I think about God's love and protection. It's heartbreaking to think about what would have happened had I not gone ahead with scheduling the induction. Had I not already been at the hospital and this had happened at home, we wouldn't have made it to the hospital in time. I talked to my doctor about it the next day and she agreed that it would have had a much different outcome. I can't even think about that without breaking down. So even though I didn't want an induction at first, never wanted a c section at all, and ended up with both...I know that it was in God's perfect plan. He knew what would need to happen.

Excited when we were finally released to go home Thursday evening.

 Being a mom is absolutely the best thing in the world. My heart is so full. She is absolutely perfect and the most beautiful baby in the world. Today already marks one whole week! I'm desperately praying for time to slow down. Every single time I look at my baby girl, I am blown away by the fact that she is mine and God chose me to be her mom. I don't know that I'll ever get over it. I'm a bit obsessed with her. It's only been a week and already I can't imagine life without her.

GROWN UP NIGHTMARES

It's Fall. Cold outside. I walk outside to find him around a fire at a party with his friends. I try to talk to him but his friends keep diverting me away. I have family visiting so I walk away to tell them bye as they load up to go back home. When I near the fire again, I can see that he is crying. I want to comfort him. But I also need answers. Finally, he agrees to meet with me. We seek privacy in one of the bedrooms. I ask him "Why?". Deja Vu. I feel like we've been here before. Isn't this what happened last time? This out-of-the-blue break up? I'd made sure to always ask him if he was happy this time. I'd begged with him to talk to me before it ever got to this point again. Give me a chance to fix it. But here we were. He looks at me with tears in his eyes, offering no answers. I stare back at him, my eyes begging for this not to happen. Then something changes. Gone are the tears from his eyes. Instead his eyes grow cold. A smirk appears on his face. "I'm just not attracted to you anymore. You're not sexy." It's like a dagger to my heart. I stand up and walk to the door, looking at him again with tears in my eyes before I walk out of the room. I don't want him to see how much he hurts me. I collect myself and walk back into the room. The cruel smirk is still on his face. "I'm pregnant." I counter, as an excuse for my un-sexiness. "Nah, even before that. I haven't been attracted to you for years." More spiteful words are said, every insecurity I have flowing from his mouth. Finally, I take off the ring that sits on my left hand and place it in front of him. I exit the room and shut myself into the bathroom before letting the tears flow freely. I hear the bedroom door shut as he leaves. For good. My mom comes into the bathroom to comfort me and tells me everything will be ok. But I know it won't. Despite his cruelty, he's all I want. 

I woke up crying, saying "No!" rather firmly into my pillow. I reached over to Chris to assure myself it was just a dream. His side of the bed was empty. I looked at the clock. He shouldn't have left for work for another few minutes. I panicked and called out to him. He came into the room. Real-life Chris never wears that cruel smirk or cold eyes. He hugged me and I could calm down.

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I'm at work when I receive the worst phone call you can get. There's been an accident. It's Chris. He didn't make it. I refuse to believe the news and continue about my work day. I don't understand why people are looking at me with sad eyes, offering their condolences. "It's not true." I say with a smile and decide to drive to the scene to prove it. On my way to the gas station where it supposedly happen, I receive another phone call. This time it's Chris. "I told everyone it wasn't true!" I smile into the phone. His voice is sad. "It is true, baby. I'm so sorry. Know that I love you more than anything. I have to go." Still not understanding, I beg him not to hang up. I'm about to arrive at the gas station and I can prove it. But he's already hung up. I pull up to the gas station and see the police tape blocking off the entire parking lot. I scan the lot for his car..for any wreckage. I see none. A good sign. I try calling Chris back and no one answers. I continue about my day. Later, I receive a call from my bank about wether I need to switch the names on the accounts. Strange. Why would I do that? I still continue going about my day normally. Still not understanding the sad looks directed at me. I talked to him for goodness sake! Walking down a hallway towards an elevator, I receive another call. This time from the insurance. All at once, it finally hits me. He's gone. This is real. I will never see him again. Kiss him. Grow old with him. "You can't even wait a day?!" I scream into the phone before stepping into the elevator and throwing it against the wall. In the privacy of the elevator, I lose it. I pound on the wall, scream, cry. I won't survive this.

I woke up hysterically bawling. The dream had been too real, too vivid. I turned over and threw my arms around Chris, who was startled awake by my cries. "What's wrong?" he asked me, concerned. I couldn't answer. I just gripped him tight and continued to ugly cry for at least 30 minutes. After I finally calmed down, he asked me what my dream was about. Just the question made me cry again. It was a few hours before I could tell him.

________________________________________

These are a couple dreams I've had just the past few weeks- the first one actually from today. Worse- each time I managed to fall back asleep, I fell right back into the dream! These are my nightmares. Isn't it funny how as we grow older, they stop being about psychotic killers or monsters chasing us through the streets? I almost wish for those.

I've heard that pregnancy could bring on disturbing or vivid dreams, but this is like my sub-conscious is force feeding me my worst fears. I have never in my life cried so hard from a dream as I did that last one. Writing it out, putting my fears out there for you to read, I wish I could say now how silly it feels. But it doesn't. It still affects me. I spent basically that entire day praying to God for Chris's safety, terrified that I would receive that phone call for real.

I often joke with my husband that I love him too much. But it's not really a joke. I feel like I would not be able to go on without him and would die right along with him like in The Notebook or even some real life news stories I've seen of elderly couples. I know how melodramatic that sounds and that a lot of you probably just rolled your eyes. But whatever. It's simply to explain that losing him- wether through death, divorce, or anything else preventing us from spending our whole lives together- has become my biggest fear. And the evil sandman knows it.

The truth is though, that we never know when loved ones may be taken from us or when a marriage may come to an end. We should strive, every day, to make sure that the people in our lives know how much we love them. We should work hard on our marriages every day and not take our partners for granted. Marriage is a gift. I've already worried about how parenting will change my own relationship with my husband. I've seen so often how "Mom & Dad" completely replaces "Husband & Wife". I'm not saying that parenting isn't important and should fall to the sidelines- it's another gift and blessing from God that should be cherished. But it shouldn't mean that your relationship as a couple falls away either. It's so easy to get caught up in the busyness of every day to remember these things. But we have to make it a priority! God has given us these people and these relationships so let's take care of them.

"HIGH-RISK"

Saturday was a scary, emotional, tear-filled day. 

It started when I got ready to go out for the day with my husband. I wanted to wear a pair of shorts but none of them fit me since my bump decided to appear out of no where a couple weeks ago and has not stopped growing since. 

The left is the first day my bump made it's appearance and then today. Seriously.. this is just 10 days difference?! That seems crazy. Is this normal???

I figured it was time to pull out one of my belly bands for the first time. It then preceded to take me about an hour to figure out how to wear, with help from my poor husband and a ton of frustration from me which led to tears from me. Then I just began crying more cause I felt stupid for crying over something so stupid. Hormones I tell ya. Come to find out I had been using the belly band upside down which is why it wouldn't work right. But finally I was dressed and ready to go and all calmed down.

Then the scary and even more emotional part of our day began. **The next part might be a little TMI but a lot of you know that I ended up admitted into the hospital Saturday night and people have been asking about what happened and if we are okay so I figured a blog post was the best way to update everyone about it.** As we were in the Apple store taking care of Chris's phone, I began suddenly bleeding pretty heavily. I texted my Mom and sisters who told me to head to the hospital immediately. And the tears began flowing again for the second time that day. This time for very scary, real reasons. 

I was so scared and just began praying to God for them to tell me it was all nothing and send me home. My mind began going back to this past Wednesday in my LifeGroup. We are doing the Explicit Gospel study and in the video we watched this past week, Matt Chandler goes to say how God doesn't owe us anything. When his son was young he had a severe seizure one night and on the way to the emergency room he was praying to God, realizing that God didn't OWE him the life of his son and that God either strengthen him through this experience or through his loss. Wow. I began pleading with God, telling Him I was not strong enough for the loss part. To please please not strengthen me in that way.

When I arrived at the hospital, it wasn't as simple as I had hoped. I ended up being dilated to a 1 and they began asking me if my water had broke and if I was having any contraction like pains (I wasn't feeling pain at all), concerned I was trying to go into early labor. At 17 weeks, obviously this would be way too soon. My fear spiked. I was admitted into the hospital for the first time in my life as they contacted the doctor to do an ultrasound. My family and best friend arrived and I felt strengthened. I knew I had them praying for me too. 

Praise God that the ultrasound found that although the outside of my cervix was dilated, the top was completely closed and whatever was going on, Baby C was not being affected. Baby was completely fine. Chris and I got to see our sweet baby moving around on the screen and see the heart and brain and just how much Baby has grown (I haven't had a sonogram since Week 10 and man what a difference!). I can never explain how reassuring it is to see or hear my baby every single time I get the chance to.

The ultrasound did show that what was causing the bleeding was that my placenta is laying lower than it should be. It is covering the very edge of my cervix instead of being completely raised away from it. The rubbing can cause the vessels in the top of the cervix to rupture hence the bleeding. The risk is that the placenta itself tear. So I was put on bedrest and pelvic rest for 48 hours until I could have a follow up with my doctor today.

I was hoping for the all clear to go back to work tomorrow since this is a crazy week to be missing (I'm the Director of the Elementary Musical which is this Friday, meaning rehearsals every day this week) but unfortunately my bedrest and pelvic rest is extended another week until another follow up next week. Basically as of now I am considered "high-risk" and it will be on a week by week basis if I am taken off bedrest. 95% of the time the placenta eventually moves up as the pregnancy progresses, it's just a matter of when. From what I understand, once the placenta has moved I will no longer be at high risk. So here's to praying that placenta gets moving this week.

Ultimately, as much as bedrest and especially pelvic rest sucks, Baby is ok and that is the most important thing to me. I know this was long so thank you for caring to read. Thank you everyone so much for your prayers over this weekend. Chris and I (and Baby C) appreciate it. It's so hard to remain strong and have faith when things are so scary but I couldn't imagine how much scarier things would have been without faith at all. 

FOR THIS CHILD I HAVE PRAYED...

This is the BEST news I have ever been able to give....

I'M PREGNANT!!!

It's a little blurry but that little screen for sure says "pregnant". I've only checked it about every 5 min.

It's out there. It's real. I still can't believe it! I took 3 different tests (4 if you count the one I took a week prior and mistook as negative) and just stared at each one! Not gonna lie, I still have the first digital one and I will keep picking it up to stare at the words "pregnant" until the battery dies. We found out January 25th and it was confirmed by the doctor today, February 4th. I'm estimated at 7 weeks! Find out for sure by Friday. *Although I am pretty sure already given they had me tracking my ovulation and I can pretty much pinpoint conception.*

Thank you everyone for all the prayers over the last 9 months since I shared our struggles with conceiving. We are feeling so excited and happy and just kinda floating on Cloud 9. I don't know how anyone ever keeps this in for the whole first trimester!!! I always thought I would be someone who would do that. But we've had so many people in prayer for us that I couldn't not share this huge blessing that you've all been praying with us about. I wanted to tell the world the moment it happened. It was hard enough waiting to have the doctors appointment to confirm.

So reactions....

Mine was ridiculous. I bawled. Not in a "happy tears" kinda way. I was terrified. The first test I took was just a test strip I got with my ovulation tests. I was so scared that I was reading it wrong. That I was just not getting something right. It couldn't possibly be positive. 

**Let me explain... if you've ever taken the kind of ovulation test that is just a test strip (not the plastic ones you get at the store) then you know they aren't the easiest to read. It's basically judging how dark or faint a line is compared to another line. With an ovulation test, if the line is ANY fainter than the one that comes on the strip then its negative. When I used the pregnancy strip the week before, I figured it was the same thing. The line was faint so I threw it away and tossed it up to my cycle being crazy and abnormal as always. Another week later, I decided to take another one, not really believing it would be different. That's when it hit me that the package of the pregnancy strips did NOT have the same results. No line was negative and ANY line was positive. This led to lots of staring and comparing. And then all the bawling.*** 

Basically I was too scared to be happy at first. I've been planning on telling Chris is some cute way and that was completely ruined. He came into the room to me sitting on the bed bawling my eyes out. He hugged me tight as he tried to figure out what had happened. After a minute of not being able to speak, I finally got out "maybe I'm pregnant". He obviously was a little confused by my reaction. He smiled and just reminded me that this is what we wanted. I showed him the test strip and then made him go get me a box of the digital ones at the store. I wanted one to just straight up say the words so there was no mistaking me reading it wrong. We went by the store on the way to church so I wasn't able to take it till after. But then I got the words I've been looking for for 2 years. Finally I let the happiness and excitement and just pure joy take over. Chris had a big smile and he hugged me tight. I can't believe how cool, calm, and collected he's been through the whole thing. I am freakin out!! In the best way. I also planned on waiting to tell the parents. I've had it all planned how I would get an annoucement picture done and just have them over for dinner and give them the picture. That didn't happen. I couldn't wait to share all this joy with someone. We told the parents the same night. I took video of my parent's reaction. Didn't take my mom long to figure it out on her own. Apparently it's "all over my face". 

I wanted to wait until after the actual doctor's appointment to tell the rest of the family. Over a week I had to wait! Brutal. Again...how does anyone wait a whole trimester?!  Yes, I get that there is a reason... but God forbid that something does happen (I can't even THINK about that without crying all over again) then I know having the support of family and friends would be a lot easier then feeling like I had to carry the burden alone since I never told anyone in the first place.

And now I get to share it with the rest of the world. 

There's so many of you out there that are still in the waiting process. I just encourage you to stay strong and have faith. You guys have been such an encouragement to me these last few months and gave me the strength I needed to not let myself get discouraged. It CAN happen!!! 

Excuse the jumbled emotion of thoughts pouring out in this post. I'm just so dang excited I don't think I could try and make sense of any of it. God willing, in just 9 months I'll have a baby!!! I'll be a MOM! Craziness.

RINGING IN THE NEW YEAR WITH A GRATEFUL HEART

Well another year has passed and a new one is underway. This time of year is one of my favorite. Still coming off from the magic of December and into the freshness of new beginnings and endless possibilities, people seem fulfilled, refreshed, and determined to be the best that they can be. 

As the world is solidifying resolutions, vowing to change and better themselves, and looking to the future, I find myself looking back. I find myself reflecting on the past year and the overwhelming amount of gratitude I feel. There's no other version of my life I could imagine that would be better than the one I have now. 

Are there things I want to better myself at? Of course. I want to journal/write/craft/read more. I want to lose weight/be healthier/take care of my body better like anyone else. Are there things my heart desires? Yes. A baby. Being more faithful to in-depth bible study and strengthening my relationship with Christ.


Those are all good things. Setting goals, striving towards being the best me that I can be- it's a great thing. It's important. But it's also important to recognize and reflect on the ways that God has provided for, cared for, and blessed me already in this life. 

As I reflect on my life, I feel gratitude for God's unending love and grace. In all the ways I fail  Him, in all the ways I need to better myself spiritually- He never gives up on me. Never stops loving me. He continues to shower me with blessing after blessing. 

I think about another year I got to spend with my husband. I swear I fall more in love with that man everyday. Not even 5 years ago, I would have never been able to tell you that we would end up together much less be where we are now. Today, people comment all the time about how amazing our relationship seems and how in love we seem. Do we have a perfect marriage? Obviously not. Do we fight? Of course. Is it amazing anyway? I think so. The years I've spent as his wife have been the best of my life. And that's just another example of God's grace and blessings. He was able to take something very broken and make it amazing.

I think about another year I spent at my job. I love my job almost as much as I love my husband. And that's saying a lot! I love getting to be even a small part of these kid's life if only for a short time. My prayer is that in someway I get to make an impact in their life. I love getting to spend my day teaching and being creative with my kids. I love that I get to work in a Christian environment in a ministry that is passionate about teaching kids about God.

I could go on and on about everything I am grateful for in my life. Maybe the life I have seems boring to some. Maybe they see nothing special. But it's mine and I love it. I challenge you, in this time of determination and goal-making, not to forget to take a moment to thank God for what IS.

Here's to ringing in the new year with a grateful heart and accomplishing all those goals in 2015!

LETTERS

A couple months ago I started another blog.

I didn't plan on posting the update links like I do for this one. I still don't. It's not a secret or anything. There's a tab titled "Letters to Baby C" at the top of my blog that leads you directly to it (on the web version of my page) for those who care to keep up with it after this post.

The blog is exactly what it sounds like. A simple page. Nothing more than letters.To my future child. Letters I will continue writing throughout their life. I talk in the first letter about my apprehension of starting this blog now and why I decided to go ahead and do it. 

Like I said, I didn't and still don't plan on posting update links for this one. However, for some reason I feel lead to post today's letter. For whatever reason that might be... HERE IT IS

RESENTMENT, LOVE, AND FORGIVENESS

I started my day almost in tears. Of anger. I have an unjustifiable resentment/anger for someone who isn't even really in my life. The more the situation is mentioned, the more it builds. Just a friend request and message set it off this morning. If you know me, you know that I pretty much love everyone. I've been told I'm too forgiving (no such thing by the way) and I don't really hold on to a grudge. It takes a lot to cause any sort of resentment in me. I shook my head at myself this morning, chastising myself for having such a strange and weird reaction. And this person hasn't even done anything to me personally. But then it hit me....

It hit me that I feel this way because of a similar situation I experienced. I guess I need to back up a little and explain. Here's the watered-down short version...

The first 9 years of my life consisted of a lot of instability, abuse, and many other grown up things that children shouldn't be aware of. **I don't say this for pity. In fact, I have a hard time mentioning it in fear of that. I am fully aware that my situation could have been so much worse and there are so many children that never escape. I am forever thankful for God's hand in my life and His provision and guidance in bringing me out of that.** I was born to addict parents who were in and out of jail, and eventually prison. Basically, they were not able to care and provide for 3 children the way they needed to be.  

When I was 9 years old, I went to live with a new family. 5 years later I would be officially adopted. There was a time in those years that I was returned to live with my biological mother again. I don't know how long I was with her before she made the decision to send me back to my family. It was the single best thing she has ever done for me. I still respect her for that decision. It was the only memory I had of her truly doing something for ME. However, even though I respected that decision and absolutely wanted nothing more than to live with my new family forever, I resented her. Simply because I was old enough to understand that this was happening because there was something in her life more important than me. Drugs, partying, etc. My sisters and I were not enough to make her stop. I resented her because I was old enough to understand that I had experienced things I shouldn't have had to. I was old enough to KNOW. 

That is not the end of the story, thank God. I no longer feel that way. God has given me the ability to forgive and let go of that resentment and establish a friendship. Hopefully one day I will be brave enough to share the entire story. My testimony. That is not the point of today's post. When I think about WHY I feel so inexplicably angry and resentful towards this person, I know it's because it reminds me of that. And it hurts me even more to see children I love face the same thing. You see, my oldest sister is adopting 2 precious little kids. Their biological mother is the "person" I have been talking about. The whole process began with my sister trying to help her. Taking her kids and caring for them while she did some stuff she needed to do to get her life in a place she could be the best for her children. In this time, she has had another baby boy. Which another sister of mine is fostering until it is decided if the mother is doing what she needs to do to care for him or if he will be placed for adoption. Long story short, she has proven over and over again that she is not doing the things she's supposed to. I KNOW what it's like to be the child in that situation. To feel like you are not important enough. To be old enough to realize that when your mom disappears for a few months it's not because of anything good. It kills me that these precious babies have the chance to feel that too. I know that all I can do is be there to love them and show them exactly the opposite, just like my family did for me. I wish I could talk sense into her. That I could tell her from the kids perspective how her choices affect them. I wish I could tell her that adoption- that letting them go and working on getting herself clean- is the best thing she can do for them. That THAT is the decision they will look back on and respect.

Today, as I arrived to work and had our morning prayer meeting, my boss gave us a little devotion about how our responsibility as Christians is to love people. Love. Ironic? Nope.

BABY BUSINESS

I've had several people ask me about the doctor's appointment and I know even more people praying for us, so I wanted to give y'all an update on where we're at (I'm getting much better about talking about it =)). First, thank you all so much for praying for us and for the words of encouragement I've received from so many of you. As hard as it was to talk about all of this initially and the feelings of embarrassment I felt, it truly has helped knowing there are so many other people who have felt the same way and to see the different stages other people in this situation are at. Makes it less scary.

So, I finally had my first appointment yesterday. I say first because there are already 3 more on the calendar! It's going to be a process and a few months before I have any real answers, but I am already feeling much more optimistic just to have a definite plan now and have the process started. 

At my appointment, my doctor checked my cervix and took my blood for lab work. My cervix is good and I will get the results from my lab work next week. I am going in next week to have a sonogram of my ovaries to make sure there isn't any abnormalities there. 

What I learned yesterday was I have an almost-abnormal cycle. No surprise there. An normal cycle is 28-35 days. Mine is on average 34 days with several cycles skipped altogether. This may be causing me not to ovulate at all. Which is as easy a fix as taking a pill every day. So before anything my doctor wants to find out when and if I am ovulating every month. A large part of the problem is what I was using to track ovulation times before was based on an average cycle. [[ I feel really stupid for not realizing this! I can't help but wonder if we'd have a baby right now if I had. Especially if that ends up being the only problem. ]] So for the next couple months, I will be taking ovulation tests and tracking everything the old-fashioned way- on an actual paper calendar. =P Then I have a follow up appointment in January to go over that info and come up with a plan based on that and the results from the other tests. 

Also, my doctor told me to start taking Similac prenatal vitamins. Similac specifically. I already had some prenatals (that I never even started taking) but I got the Similac ones anyway. Doctor knows best. =)

And that's where we are now concerning Baby C. Again, thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate them so much. 

WOW...WHAT A WEEKEND!

To be honest, I was dreading this last weekend all week long. I gave myself a lot of pep talks trying to talk myself into being ready. There were plans for each day of the weekend and the funny thing is... they were all FUN plans. Nothing I should dread at all. But most of you know (and I've posted here a couple years ago) I have a severe case of homebody-itis. Especially when special monthly hormones just tell me to sleep. 

But, as always, it was worth fighting myself. This weekend was so much fun! The most social weekend I've had in a very long time. Here's the recap:

Friday: One of our friends from our LifeGroup threw a birthday party for his wife at their house. It was great getting to know them a little more outside of our LifeGroup setting.

Saturday: In the AM, Chris's work had a family day where they opened up the warehouse and cooked out. You could tour the warehouse and see how they put together the locomotives and there was bounce houses and activity booths for the kids. It was nice getting to meet his work friends and finally put a face to the names. In the PM, my sister-in-law, Erica, had her 80's themed birthday bash! It was fun getting dressed up (my husband even let me poof his hair and give him a mullet!) and having a good time with family. There was a lot of photo booth fun as well...

Sunday: Church in the AM and then Chris's dad and step-mom came over to watch the Cowboys game.

AND my lazy homebody tendencies were even appeased this weekend since I was off work yesterday (Monday) and got to lay in bed all day reading. All in all, a pretty great weekend.

How about you guys? Did y'all do anything fun this weekend?

SO LONG SUMMER

Wow. It's been almost 4 months since my last post. And what a busy 4 months it's been!

The school year ended...

We went on a family vacation to Branson, Missouri...

Sisters (that's Robert Downey Jr and King King photobombing)

Grand Village Shopping

My beautiful niece and I at Silver Dollar City

Mom and Dad

I went to Florida for a teacher seminar at Pensacola Christian College...

Pesacola Beach

(in lesser news) I did a lot of hair and changed my own hair- bye bye Red!

and (in much bigger news) we got a house!

To see the inside, check out my video here!

Once July hit everything has basically been non stop. Everything happened so fast that now I find myself sitting here wondering how on earth it's possible the summer is already over?Yesterday was actually my first day back to work...I completely failed at my goal to blog more over the summer. I have found I actually do much better at most things when I am in my normal routine. Including, unfortunately the gym. And 2 week long trips followed by 2 solid weeks of working at the new house each night until 10pm or later has meant a lot of not so healthy meal choices. I have refused to weigh in again, too scared that I have gained back everything and lost all the progress I had made. It's very disappointing to say the least, but in the end this has been an amazing past 4 months and I have been too blessed to focus on the negatives. I am confident that now that I am getting back in routine with work and we are getting settled into the house, that I can get back on track. 

You may have noticed a few other changes....here in my little piece of the Internet. I have a new name! I've been wanting something for awhile now that at least gave some sort of first impression of what my blog was about. And since generally it is just me sharing my life with you- "A Cup of T...(iffany)" was born. That does mean that my web address has changed. So if you have me added to your blog list, you may need to change it.

Thanks for reading and caring. =)

UPDATES

Man, it's been almost 2 months since my last post! Life is just flying by. I am not even sure where to begin to update you. Here's the highlights of the past couple months, in chronological order for your reading pleasure. First, and most importantly, THIS happened!

I am an aunt (10 times over)! My sister had her fourth baby, and first girl! Her name in Peyton Lee and she is absolutely perfect. I am so in love with her and have decided that maybe having a baby girl one day wouldn't be so bad. The cuteness of bows and clothes and all those fun things may just make up for whatever extremely emotional teenage years she might have.

A belated, blog-official "Congrats" to my beautiful sister Sarah and bro-in-law Mark!

(I took this series of pics as she was sleeping on my chest. so amazed at the range of emotion I captured. What do babies dream of???)

And then...did my first big (ish) home DIY project. My dining table.

Before

After



We also canceled our cable, officially decided on TBT for our home church, searched and searched and finally found an apartment, I learned to shoot a gun, had my very first jury duty, and started running. And that brings us to today. I think.

I had something I wanted to write about, that is actually the reason I finally picked up the ol' computer, but after the updating, I think I will save that for...tomorrow? Two days in a row? We will see. 

33 DAYS LATER...

Wow, what a month it has been. From national tragedy to class Christmas parties- it's been a busy month.

Plus I got to spend an entire week with these kiddos. My sister is keeping these two right now and my husband and I got to babysit for a week while they were away. They are such incredibly precious and happy babies. That week taught me that maybe the whole parenting thing isn't so bad after all when you have an amazing husband who is going to make such an incredible father. I have to say we made a pretty great team and I don't think I've ever been more proud to be his wife.

That same week, an unimaginable tragedy hit the nation. A gunman opened fire at an elementary school and killed several kindergarten and first graders. I cannot even begin to understand the mentality of someone who could do that to anyone, much less precious, innocent babies. My heart is so broken for these families and for this world we live in. It drives me crazy that so much of the world wants to turn this into a gun control issue. However, I am not going to speak my opinion on that matter...yet. For now, let's remember these children, their families, the teachers who died protecting their class (as a teacher of Kindergartners I cannot even imagine the horror of watching someone try to hurt my babies and know without hesitation I would do anything in my power to protect them.), and yes, even the murderer and his family (as hard as that may be) in our prayers. It serves as a reminder that we are never guaranteed another day on this earth. Make the most of every day with your loves ones and for God.

James 4:14- Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.

It's crazy to think (especially in this 70+ degree weather) that tomorrow is Christmas! This year has just flown by. I have been so blessed in so many ways this year. Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!! Enjoy your families and hold them close.