GROWN UP NIGHTMARES

It's Fall. Cold outside. I walk outside to find him around a fire at a party with his friends. I try to talk to him but his friends keep diverting me away. I have family visiting so I walk away to tell them bye as they load up to go back home. When I near the fire again, I can see that he is crying. I want to comfort him. But I also need answers. Finally, he agrees to meet with me. We seek privacy in one of the bedrooms. I ask him "Why?". Deja Vu. I feel like we've been here before. Isn't this what happened last time? This out-of-the-blue break up? I'd made sure to always ask him if he was happy this time. I'd begged with him to talk to me before it ever got to this point again. Give me a chance to fix it. But here we were. He looks at me with tears in his eyes, offering no answers. I stare back at him, my eyes begging for this not to happen. Then something changes. Gone are the tears from his eyes. Instead his eyes grow cold. A smirk appears on his face. "I'm just not attracted to you anymore. You're not sexy." It's like a dagger to my heart. I stand up and walk to the door, looking at him again with tears in my eyes before I walk out of the room. I don't want him to see how much he hurts me. I collect myself and walk back into the room. The cruel smirk is still on his face. "I'm pregnant." I counter, as an excuse for my un-sexiness. "Nah, even before that. I haven't been attracted to you for years." More spiteful words are said, every insecurity I have flowing from his mouth. Finally, I take off the ring that sits on my left hand and place it in front of him. I exit the room and shut myself into the bathroom before letting the tears flow freely. I hear the bedroom door shut as he leaves. For good. My mom comes into the bathroom to comfort me and tells me everything will be ok. But I know it won't. Despite his cruelty, he's all I want. 

I woke up crying, saying "No!" rather firmly into my pillow. I reached over to Chris to assure myself it was just a dream. His side of the bed was empty. I looked at the clock. He shouldn't have left for work for another few minutes. I panicked and called out to him. He came into the room. Real-life Chris never wears that cruel smirk or cold eyes. He hugged me and I could calm down.

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I'm at work when I receive the worst phone call you can get. There's been an accident. It's Chris. He didn't make it. I refuse to believe the news and continue about my work day. I don't understand why people are looking at me with sad eyes, offering their condolences. "It's not true." I say with a smile and decide to drive to the scene to prove it. On my way to the gas station where it supposedly happen, I receive another phone call. This time it's Chris. "I told everyone it wasn't true!" I smile into the phone. His voice is sad. "It is true, baby. I'm so sorry. Know that I love you more than anything. I have to go." Still not understanding, I beg him not to hang up. I'm about to arrive at the gas station and I can prove it. But he's already hung up. I pull up to the gas station and see the police tape blocking off the entire parking lot. I scan the lot for his car..for any wreckage. I see none. A good sign. I try calling Chris back and no one answers. I continue about my day. Later, I receive a call from my bank about wether I need to switch the names on the accounts. Strange. Why would I do that? I still continue going about my day normally. Still not understanding the sad looks directed at me. I talked to him for goodness sake! Walking down a hallway towards an elevator, I receive another call. This time from the insurance. All at once, it finally hits me. He's gone. This is real. I will never see him again. Kiss him. Grow old with him. "You can't even wait a day?!" I scream into the phone before stepping into the elevator and throwing it against the wall. In the privacy of the elevator, I lose it. I pound on the wall, scream, cry. I won't survive this.

I woke up hysterically bawling. The dream had been too real, too vivid. I turned over and threw my arms around Chris, who was startled awake by my cries. "What's wrong?" he asked me, concerned. I couldn't answer. I just gripped him tight and continued to ugly cry for at least 30 minutes. After I finally calmed down, he asked me what my dream was about. Just the question made me cry again. It was a few hours before I could tell him.

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These are a couple dreams I've had just the past few weeks- the first one actually from today. Worse- each time I managed to fall back asleep, I fell right back into the dream! These are my nightmares. Isn't it funny how as we grow older, they stop being about psychotic killers or monsters chasing us through the streets? I almost wish for those.

I've heard that pregnancy could bring on disturbing or vivid dreams, but this is like my sub-conscious is force feeding me my worst fears. I have never in my life cried so hard from a dream as I did that last one. Writing it out, putting my fears out there for you to read, I wish I could say now how silly it feels. But it doesn't. It still affects me. I spent basically that entire day praying to God for Chris's safety, terrified that I would receive that phone call for real.

I often joke with my husband that I love him too much. But it's not really a joke. I feel like I would not be able to go on without him and would die right along with him like in The Notebook or even some real life news stories I've seen of elderly couples. I know how melodramatic that sounds and that a lot of you probably just rolled your eyes. But whatever. It's simply to explain that losing him- wether through death, divorce, or anything else preventing us from spending our whole lives together- has become my biggest fear. And the evil sandman knows it.

The truth is though, that we never know when loved ones may be taken from us or when a marriage may come to an end. We should strive, every day, to make sure that the people in our lives know how much we love them. We should work hard on our marriages every day and not take our partners for granted. Marriage is a gift. I've already worried about how parenting will change my own relationship with my husband. I've seen so often how "Mom & Dad" completely replaces "Husband & Wife". I'm not saying that parenting isn't important and should fall to the sidelines- it's another gift and blessing from God that should be cherished. But it shouldn't mean that your relationship as a couple falls away either. It's so easy to get caught up in the busyness of every day to remember these things. But we have to make it a priority! God has given us these people and these relationships so let's take care of them.

MOMMY WARS

There was a lot of things I expected to come with pregnancy- excitement, morning sickness, a growing belly, stretch marks, the famous glow- and I wasn't disappointed with most of those expectations. Forever jealous of the women I see with full term pregnant bellies in these beautiful, goddess-like, bare belly maternity pictures without a single stretch mark!

One thing I did not expect was to find so much controversy and debate in my research and preparation- aka the Mommy Wars. 

From breastfeeding vs formula and c-section vs epidural vs natural (drug free) birth to the ever hot topic of vaccination vs non-vaccination. Any search on the internet about almost anything baby related will bring up conflicting ideas and views. Which is great for someone like me, who likes to know all my options so that I can make informed decisions. 

Unfortunately, where the problem comes in, is how much hate and mommy slamming I've seen people post about the opposing view. 

"How could you give your baby formula, breast milk is the only way."

"Women who have a drug-free, natural birth are way more empowered."

"C-sections don't count as giving birth."

"How could you vaccinate your children?? Don't you know about all the harmful chemicals you're injecting them with??"

How could you not vaccinate your child? Don't you know you are putting the rest of our children at risk??"

So much condemnation and criticizing isn't helpful for anyone. I think that for the most part, all women, as mothers, are just trying to do what they think is best for their babies. And for new moms, looking for information, it makes it really hard to ask questions for fear of judgement. What should be a welcoming community where moms can come together to discuss and learn has turned into a "who does it better?" competition.

Here's the way I see it....And these are just my opinions...

Yes, there are many amazing benefits to breastfeeding from health and nutrition to saving money on formula. BUT for some women, breastfeeding isn't an option, whether they are just uncomfortable with it, their milk doesn't come in or come in enough, or they simply just don't want the added responsibility of needing to be constantly available for baby to an even greater extent. As far as vaccinations, there's SO MUCH research that can be done. I don't know nearly enough and don't feel like I ever will. But ultimately it boils down to this to me... there's risk either way. Either there's risk of negative reactions to chemicals when you choose to vaccinate or there's risk of sickness and disease by choosing to not vaccinate. And by far the saddest debate out there, the way you choose (or the choice is made for you) to birth. I've seen the rudest remarks about c-sections in particular and how they "don't count". I've seen the egotistic better-than-you attitude that comes with an all natural birth and how "empowering" it is. I started to feel guilty about the fact that I'd always just assumed I'd have an epidural since that's just the way most people I knew had done it. To this I say- If you are a mom and have given birth in any way, shape, or form then you are amazing and empowered just as much as any mom next to you. Empowering is carrying a child for 10 months (why do they always say 9??) and knowing that this is exactly what your body was made for. And whatever means of delivery, the end result is the same. A beautiful human being that relies on you for the rest of your life. What's more empowering than that?

The point of all of that is just to say that we never know the experiences and situations of anyone else. Your choices, while the best option for you and your baby, are not necessarily the best choice for another mom and her baby. But what we all need is a community being supportive and where we can feel comfortable talking about our experiences.

A BLOG BY ANY OTHER NAME...

This blog has under gone many changes since it began. First as Nine in the Afternoon, to A Cup of T, and now, finally, to just plain Tiffany Caram. As I contemplated changing the name of the blog yet again the usual questions I always ask myself began- "What is the general theme of my blog?", "What do I write about?",  "Does my title reflect that?". I've tried to do "cute" names but, obviously, they don't really stick. I feel like I outgrow them, that the blog and the things I write about change as my life does. As I do. I've longed for something that represents me and no matter what changes take place, stripping it back to simply my name will always represent me.

I've chosen the tagline "finding my place". The one thing I have found constant throughout life is change. Whether good or bad, you always seem to have to learn to find your place over and over again in different aspects. As I've gotten older, I've found my place and my voice in this life more and more. In marriage and motherhood- I have found my happiest place. But even in that, I will continue searching and growing and changing. 

I have struggled to find my place with this blog over the years. Writing has always been a means of therapy for me- venting, confessing, understanding. But there's a reason people always keep their diaries secret. It's where you are vulnerable, where you aren't always at your best. It's different to write when you know other people will read it. So why blog? What is it I want out there? Well, I've always wanted this to be a place to share my life, my thoughts, my ideas. I just thought I’d start this little blog to write about what I wanted to write about. Maybe people would read it and maybe not. Maybe someone who did read it could relate. Maybe they would find it nice to know that they aren't the only ones going through something or having those same thoughts and ideas. Mostly, I just wanted a place to write my little heart out about whatever was going on in my life. 

But I keep this blog as a way to connect, as a way to share my heart, and as a sort of virtual scrapbook of memories. When I go back and read over the posts of the last few years, I can see how my interests and my voice have changed, where God has worked and guided me. It's a reminder of His blessings. But I don't just want this blog to be about me. Yes, I want to continue to write about my life, my faith, and my impending journey through motherhood, but I want it to be more. I want it to be a community. I want to inspire and be inspired. I want it to be a place to share together. Not a one-sided conversation. Life, faith, motherhood- these things are amazing and blessed and a gift, but they can also be hard. How precious is it to share and gain strength and encouragement from one another? The glorious thing about blogging online is that we can connect with people from all over the world, from all walks of life. My hope is for this space to be a place where we can learn from, support, and encourage each other. Whether we feel like we’re breezing right through life without a care in the world or we feel like we are struggling to simply take our next breath. We are all just trying to find our place through the changes in this journey of life. God is always there to guide us through but He's also provided us for each other.

So yes, as I am trying to find my place here in this virtual space, I have changed the name again. But this time, it'll stick. =) I know most of you read from the mobile version so you don't even see how the design on the blog has changed, but those of you on the web version will notice my tabs have moved to the left side under my picture. I've updated those as well so check them out. I'm including the links here in the blog for those of you on mobile. Just click the links below.

ABOUT ME      ABOUT MY FAITH      MY BLOG ROLL      LETTERS TO THEA

Also, remember, if you have me on your blog reading list, you will need to change my URL to "tiffanycaram.blogspot.com" to get the updates. 

As always, thank you guys who take the time to read. Let's continue our journeys together.