The headline of this post is true for me in 2 big ways.
First...quite literally. I NEVER wanted to be a mom. From the time I was a young teenager and was able to begin to grasp the huge responsibility it is to be a parent, I said I was never having kids. Not because I've ever not liked kids...I've always loved kids and loved being an aunt. But someone else was always ultimately responsible for them. I had this daunting fear that I would never be able to raise a teenager. What would they be allowed to do? What would they not be allowed to do? How do I walk the line between wanting to protect and shelter them and teaching them to be trustworthy and independent by letting them make their own choices? Yes, these were the thoughts and fears I had about parenting as a teenager. Been an over thinker all my life.
Second...the headline is true for me because I find myself doing the things I said I'd NEVER do as a parent...before I actually WAS a parent. I said I wouldn't hold my baby all the time or they'd be spoiled. I thought "crying it out" is how all babies learned to go to sleep. I'd never breastfeed past the age of 1. Etcetera, Etcetera. But I hold my baby when she's fussy (you can't be spoiled by too much love right?), I like holding her while she naps, CIO wasn't for me (she still learned to go to sleep on her own), as of now I plan on just letting her wean herself when she wants up to 2, and the list goes on. I find myself doing all the things I said I wouldn't do.
The point is we never know where we are going to find ourselves. I didn't know that I would find myself not only wanting but desperately praying to have a kid. I didn't know that I would find myself bawling at letting my baby cry and not running to hold her because I thought CIO was the only way you could teach a baby to sleep in their own room. There are still soooo many things I don't know when it comes to being a mom. I still don't have an answer for any of those issue/fears I had as a teenager. I didn't know the kind of mom I would become or the kind of mom I will still become. But God did and God does.
God has had this plan and this purpose for my life since before I was born! God was/has been/is molding me and shaping my life/heart to become this mom. I have to trust in that and the instincts He has given me. I have to have faith in the fact that I am the exactly the mom Thea needs. I can have confidence that I am the only person He prepared to be her Mom and to help guide her to fulfill the purpose He has for her own life. It's so easy to lose sight of that. It's so easy to fall into the trap of comparison. Every day I see a new article with titles like "The Top 5 Things GOOD Moms do", "The Worst Parenting Mistakes", "How NOT to Raise Entitled Brats", etc. Okay, the last one I made up but you get the drift. I'm not saying these are horrible articles. I read every single one (sometimes just for laughs) and I think there is a lot of wisdom in reading articles about parenting, talking to other moms, talking to our own moms, etc. BUT they can also do harm when you find yourself comparing yourself to others or feeling insufficient. The problem with these articles is that kids aren't a one-size-fits-all. And neither is every mom or family. One thing is not going to work for every situation. These articles can be helpful for a lot of reasons but ultimately trust in yourself. More importantly, trust in God. I'm preaching to myself here. But maybe there are other moms who find it easy to feel like a failure when they find themselves comparing themselves to the articles they read or the other moms that they see.
So, yes, I have become the mom I never wanted to be. And I thank God every single day for that.
Wow, it's been forever. Mom life is no joke. There's a slim chance this will even get published today if it's anything like the coloring page I started 3 months ago (I've worked on it 4 times and it's still not done). So yes, mom life is busy and not really big on the uninterrupted me time. BUT mom life is the BEST life. For real.
Thea is SIX MONTHS old now and I could cry every day about how fast she is growing. It is sad for me that my little baby is growing more independent every day and is no longer the helpless tiny baby that she was. But it is also so exciting to watch how fast she is learning and how her personality is developing. She is at such a fun age. She loves to laugh and can't help but smile. She actually plays with toys and understands what they do. She is sitting for pretty long periods of time on her own and just starting to realize she has knees to push on. Her daddy is her absolute favorite. Such a Daddy's girl already. No one gets her to laugh like Daddy.
***2 days later
With that growing personality, Thea is becoming a little more independent. She's such a snuggly, lovey baby BUT this week she has started not really wanting me to rock her at bedtime. From our very first night at home, I have sang her the same lullaby to sleep. Now that she's in her own room in her crib, I rock/bounce/walk her and sing for about 5 minutes and then lay her down usually still awake but sleepy and tell her goodnight. It's GREAT. I get my undistracted, snuggle, lovey time and she goes down, plays for 5-10 minutes, falls asleep all on her own, and sleeps through the night! THEN this week she decides to fight me when I try to hold her and sing. I put her down thinking when she's tired enough she'll fuss for me to come do our thing. But NO...she played for awhile and then just like that fell asleep. WITHOUT letting me love on her! Talk about heartbreaking for Momma.
I know the independence is a good thing and that she obviously still needs me for so much, but I have a hard time of letting go of these little things as they come. I was a little heartbroken the first time I gave her her first food too. She no longer needed JUST ME to feed her. She no longer sleeps in my room right beside my bed and she rarely takes naps where I could snuggle with her. So I love my bedtime time.
***5 days later
See what I mean about that Mom life busyness? =P As I was saying...I have a hard time with the change that comes with her growing up. A few tears escape pretty much every time we do something for the first time. But I also feel so proud to watch her master these new things. It's always as if she just decides she can do something and does it! So many emotions that come with Mommyhood. How have all you mommies out there survived all this time?! I feel like my heart will just grow right out of my chest every time I look at her.
Basically, this is just an update to say that I'm still mooning over here about motherhood and cherishing every single second because they are going way too fast already! Every day she's growing more, needing me a little less, and tomorrow she'll be off to college.
Here's some pics from over the last 5 months just because she's cute. =)
This morning was just one of those mornings. One little thing going wrong off-plan leading to another little thing and so on. We've developed a nice routine to our days with Thea. The morning routine being the most important given that's when we are trying to get out the door on time for work, while making sure we've grabbed everything for the day. For being so little, babies sure need so much! A typical morning looks like this:
5:30 Mommy and Daddy wake up
5:30-5:50 Mommy and Daddy get ready
5:50-6:00 Mommy finishes getting ready, makes oatmeal, gets set up to nurse
Daddy wakes Thea, changes her and dresses her for the day
6:00 Mommy nurses Thea *pumps 20 min simultaneously
Daddy leaves
6:40-6:45 Mommy loads up bags and Thea and leaves
And some where in there is preparing Thea's bottles for the day and my pumping stuff for work. I lay out mine and Thea's clothes the night before and we make sure lunches are made and the diaper bag is restocked at night too. So it's really been pretty great and smooth flowing.
Today, our morning looked a little more like this:
5:30 Mommy and Daddy wake up
5:30-5:50 Mommy and Daddy get ready
5:50-6:00 Mommy finishes getting ready, makes oatmeal, gets set up to nurse
Daddy wakes Thea, changes her and dresses her for the day
6:00 Mommy's boobs leak on her shirt, Mommy takes shirt off
6:05 Mommy nurses Thea
Daddy has upset stomach and goes into bathroom
6:10-6:15 Thea has a series of back to back poopy farts while nursing
Mommy realizes Thea is beginning to leak out of her diaper onto nursing pillow
and grabs her leg to keep her from moving and letting it out
Mommy (who has a pump attached on one side and baby on the other) calls
out to Daddy (who is still in the bathroom) so he can grab her before it gets
on everything
6:15 Mommy unattaches and gets Thea up only to discover holding her leg still was
pointless because she already leaked out the other side onto the pillow and
couch.
Mommy gets Thea to changing table and begins undresses her
Daddy finally emerges from the bathroom and is running late for work
Daddy leaves
6:20 Mommy starts to finish nursing Thea again....
Thea poops again
Mommy changes Thea
6:25 Mommy tries to finish nursing Thea
Thea doesn't want to anymore
Mommy still has to pump 20 minutes
6:45-6:50 Mommy gets Thea's bottles ready (milk is still slushy and not as easy to pour)
and pump bag ready for work
Mommy still has to go find a new shirt to wear for work
6:50-6:55 Mommy loads up bags and Thea and leaves (with a while bowl of untouched
oatmeal on the counter and no coffee)
And somewhere in there was a not-so-nice attitude with my husband, frantic running around, and a few tears of frustration. In favor of being completely transparent, I also need to add that my husband got really frustrated (with the aforementioned bad attitude I was giving him) and walked out of the door for work, only to walk right back in and apologize cause he didn't want us to leave angry (something he knows is really important to me. He's really pretty great!). I, however, was not quite done being frustrated and said nothing. I'm a jerk.
I HATE being late. All week I've been basically begging my sister (who I'm meeting half way in the mornings for a kid swap) to make sure she is there by 7. And OF COURSE the FIRST day I actually have to meet her....I'm running late. So by the time I hit my driver's seat, I can basically just laugh at the way the morning has gone. It can only go up from here right? But the guilt and conviction also start to sink in as I reversed out of my drive way. What kind of example did I just set for my daughter? Yes, I know that she isn't old enough to remember this (though I fully believe babies do pick up on the emotion around them and try to always be aware of letting myself get so overwhelmed that it rubs off on her) but if I'm not controlling myself now, how am I going to when she is old enough? Do I want to set an example that a bad attitude and ugly words are okay when things aren't going the way you want them? Do I want her to be unforgiving when someone is apologetic? So I began asking God to give me a better attitude. After all, nothing that happened this morning was even bad. I was just so worked up over running late (again...full transparency..I might also add that I wasn't actually late for when I HAVE to be at work, I just like getting there at a certain time to feel more prepared...so I was late by MY standards). I started thinking about how blessed I am and how thankful I am for the time I get with Thea in the mornings. I thought about the people who don't get that opportunity and how even the craziest mornings don't cast even the slightest of shadows over the overwhelming love I have for her. Attitude completely changed! And then God gave me even more....He gave me a beautiful lake sunrise view to enjoy during my new morning route. All I could do was smile.
Thankful for a forgiving God who gives even more than we ask and sends me heart sweet reminders. Thankful for the mornings (and days and nights) He has given me with Thea. Even the crazy off-plan ones that teach this momma a lesson or two. I'm sure there will be plenty more. And yes, I did apologize to my sweet husband.
