I started my day almost in tears. Of anger. I have an unjustifiable resentment/anger for someone who isn't even really in my life. The more the situation is mentioned, the more it builds. Just a friend request and message set it off this morning. If you know me, you know that I pretty much love everyone. I've been told I'm too forgiving (no such thing by the way) and I don't really hold on to a grudge. It takes a lot to cause any sort of resentment in me. I shook my head at myself this morning, chastising myself for having such a strange and weird reaction. And this person hasn't even done anything to me personally. But then it hit me....
It hit me that I feel this way because of a similar situation I experienced. I guess I need to back up a little and explain. Here's the watered-down short version...
The first 9 years of my life consisted of a lot of instability, abuse, and many other grown up things that children shouldn't be aware of. **I don't say this for pity. In fact, I have a hard time mentioning it in fear of that. I am fully aware that my situation could have been so much worse and there are so many children that never escape. I am forever thankful for God's hand in my life and His provision and guidance in bringing me out of that.** I was born to addict parents who were in and out of jail, and eventually prison. Basically, they were not able to care and provide for 3 children the way they needed to be.
When I was 9 years old, I went to live with a new family. 5 years later I would be officially adopted. There was a time in those years that I was returned to live with my biological mother again. I don't know how long I was with her before she made the decision to send me back to my family. It was the single best thing she has ever done for me. I still respect her for that decision. It was the only memory I had of her truly doing something for ME. However, even though I respected that decision and absolutely wanted nothing more than to live with my new family forever, I resented her. Simply because I was old enough to understand that this was happening because there was something in her life more important than me. Drugs, partying, etc. My sisters and I were not enough to make her stop. I resented her because I was old enough to understand that I had experienced things I shouldn't have had to. I was old enough to KNOW.
That is not the end of the story, thank God. I no longer feel that way. God has given me the ability to forgive and let go of that resentment and establish a friendship. Hopefully one day I will be brave enough to share the entire story. My testimony. That is not the point of today's post. When I think about WHY I feel so inexplicably angry and resentful towards this person, I know it's because it reminds me of that. And it hurts me even more to see children I love face the same thing. You see, my oldest sister is adopting 2 precious little kids. Their biological mother is the "person" I have been talking about. The whole process began with my sister trying to help her. Taking her kids and caring for them while she did some stuff she needed to do to get her life in a place she could be the best for her children. In this time, she has had another baby boy. Which another sister of mine is fostering until it is decided if the mother is doing what she needs to do to care for him or if he will be placed for adoption. Long story short, she has proven over and over again that she is not doing the things she's supposed to. I KNOW what it's like to be the child in that situation. To feel like you are not important enough. To be old enough to realize that when your mom disappears for a few months it's not because of anything good. It kills me that these precious babies have the chance to feel that too. I know that all I can do is be there to love them and show them exactly the opposite, just like my family did for me. I wish I could talk sense into her. That I could tell her from the kids perspective how her choices affect them. I wish I could tell her that adoption- that letting them go and working on getting herself clean- is the best thing she can do for them. That THAT is the decision they will look back on and respect.
Today, as I arrived to work and had our morning prayer meeting, my boss gave us a little devotion about how our responsibility as Christians is to love people. Love. Ironic? Nope.
