WORD OF THE YEAR: INTENTIONAL

Intentional: done on purpose, deliberate

Intentionality is something I've found myself meditating on a lot this year. Intentionality in many different aspects, specifically in regards to relationships. Intentional in my parenting and time with Thea, intentional in the relationship with my husband and being a wife first and mom second, and intentional in strengthening my relationship with God and making designated time to spend with Him. I think these are all areas that pretty much all of us strive for.

But one that has been coming to me recently is being intentional in friendships. 

We've been doing a series at church called "One Another" that has just really brought these desires home and convicted me. I think as adults, maintaining friendships is something that falls by the wayside in the busyness of all the other things I mentioned. Of course, our relationship with God and our spouses and children are and should be our priorities but if there's one thing that has really spoken to me during this series, it's the importance of friendship. Not just surface level friendship, but truly caring for people and finding people that you can be transparent and do life with. 

I can look at my life and see several friends. People I work with, people I go to church with, friends from different facets of my life. But when I'm honest, there's not many that I could consider those real kind of friends. People who you talk to outside of work, outside of church, etc. People who invest in your life. People you can share struggles with without fear of judgment. 

I don't say that as a "poor me, I have no friends", I say that because I haven't been intentional in this area. I haven't done my part to be invested in the life of others. I've often struggled with insecurity and wondering why some of my friendships have never moved beyond the workplace, church, or wherever. Why even people who I do consider a friend always seem more interested in hanging out with someone else. Or why there just seemed to be a lack of connection beyond the superficial. It feels really vulnerable to say that...but then I realize that that's exactly where the enemy wants me to be. When I am lost in that mentality, when I struggle with the insecurity, I don't step outside of my comfort zone. I don't initiate conversations or go out of my way to make someone feel that I truly care. 

In this series, we learned how God calls us to LOVE one another, Share our BURDENS with one another, CONFESS to one another, SERVE one another, and to MOTIVATE one another. These are the marks of true friendship and why God shows us time and time again that these relationships are important. Why He tells us not to forsake the gathering of believers. When we pour into other's lives, we'll find that they'll likely pour into ours too. BUT even if they don't, we are still called to be that kind of friend. Maybe I'm the only one that struggles with this and lets the busyness of my own life hinder me from developing these kind of friendships, but I'm convicted to make that my goal. The definition of intentional, as I posted at the beginning, is "done on purpose" or "deliberate". That means it takes thought. For some people this is a gift that comes naturally, but probably for the majority it's something that means we have to deliberately decide to do it. And that means stepping outside the comfort zone and maybe feeling uncomfortable. Thank you to the friends who have spoken into my life. Your friendship means more than you know.

BECOMING THE MOM I NEVER WANTED TO BE

The headline of this post is true for me in 2 big ways.

First...quite literally. I NEVER wanted to be a mom. From the time I was a young teenager and was able to begin to grasp the huge responsibility it is to be a parent, I said I was never having kids. Not because I've ever not liked kids...I've always loved kids and loved being an aunt. But someone else was always ultimately responsible for them. I had this daunting fear that I would never be able to raise a teenager. What would they be allowed to do? What would they not be allowed to do? How do I walk the line between wanting to protect and shelter them and teaching them to be trustworthy and independent by letting them make their own choices? Yes, these were the thoughts and fears I had about parenting as a teenager. Been an over thinker all my life. 

Second...the headline is true for me because I find myself doing the things I said I'd NEVER do as a parent...before I actually WAS a parent. I said I wouldn't hold my baby all the time or they'd be spoiled. I thought "crying it out" is how all babies learned to go to sleep. I'd never breastfeed past the age of 1. Etcetera, Etcetera. But I hold my baby when she's fussy (you can't be spoiled by too much love right?), I like holding her while she naps, CIO wasn't for me (she still learned to go to sleep on her own), as of now I plan on just letting her wean herself when she wants up to 2, and the list goes on. I find myself doing all the things I said I wouldn't do. 

The point is we never know where we are going to find ourselves. I didn't know that I would find myself not only wanting but desperately praying to have a kid. I didn't know that I would find myself bawling at letting my baby cry and not running to hold her because I thought CIO was the only way you could teach a baby to sleep in their own room. There are still soooo many things I don't know when it comes to being a mom. I still don't have an answer for any of those issue/fears I had as a teenager. I didn't know the kind of mom I would become or the kind of mom I will still become. But God did and God does.

God has had this plan and this purpose for my life since before I was born! God was/has been/is molding me and shaping my life/heart to become this mom. I have to trust in that and the instincts He has given me. I have to have faith in the fact that I am the exactly the mom Thea needs. I can have confidence that I am the only person He prepared to be her Mom and to help guide her to fulfill the purpose He has for her own life. It's so easy to lose sight of that. It's so easy to fall into the trap of comparison. Every day I see a new article with titles like "The Top 5 Things GOOD Moms do", "The Worst Parenting Mistakes", "How NOT to Raise Entitled Brats", etc. Okay, the last one I made up but you get the drift. I'm not saying these are horrible articles. I read every single one (sometimes just for laughs) and I think there is a lot of wisdom in reading articles about parenting, talking to other moms, talking to our own moms, etc. BUT they can also do harm when you find yourself comparing yourself to others or feeling insufficient. The problem with these articles is that kids aren't a one-size-fits-all. And neither is every mom or family. One thing is not going to work for every situation. These articles can be helpful for a lot of reasons but ultimately trust in yourself. More importantly, trust in God. I'm preaching to myself here. But maybe there are other moms who find it easy to feel like a failure when they find themselves comparing themselves to the articles they read or the other moms that they see.

So, yes, I have become the mom I never wanted to be. And I thank God every single day for that.

THE WEEK LONG POST

Wow, it's been forever. Mom life is no joke. There's a slim chance this will even get published today if it's anything like the coloring page I started 3 months ago (I've worked on it 4 times and it's still not done). So yes, mom life is busy and not really big on the uninterrupted me time. BUT mom life is the BEST life. For real.

Thea is SIX MONTHS old now and I could cry every day about how fast she is growing. It is sad for me that my little baby is growing more independent every day and is no longer the helpless tiny baby that she was. But it is also so exciting to watch how fast she is learning and how her personality is developing. She is at such a fun age. She loves to laugh and can't help but smile. She actually plays with toys and understands what they do. She is sitting for pretty long periods of time on her own and just starting to realize she has knees to push on. Her daddy is her absolute favorite. Such a Daddy's girl already. No one gets her to laugh like Daddy.

***2 days later

With that growing personality, Thea is becoming a little more independent. She's such a snuggly, lovey baby BUT this week she has started not really wanting me to rock her at bedtime. From our very first night at home, I have sang her the same lullaby to sleep. Now that she's in her own room in her crib, I rock/bounce/walk her and sing for about 5 minutes and then lay her down usually still awake but sleepy and tell her goodnight. It's GREAT. I get my undistracted, snuggle, lovey time and she goes down, plays for 5-10 minutes, falls asleep all on her own, and sleeps through the night! THEN this week she decides to fight me when I try to hold her and sing. I put her down thinking when she's tired enough she'll fuss for me to come do our thing. But NO...she played for awhile and then just like that fell asleep. WITHOUT letting me love on her! Talk about heartbreaking for Momma. 

I know the independence is a good thing and that she obviously still needs me for so much, but I have a hard time of letting go of these little things as they come. I was a little heartbroken the first time I gave her her first food too. She no longer needed JUST ME to feed her. She no longer sleeps in my room right beside my bed and she rarely takes naps where I could snuggle with her. So I love my bedtime time. 

***5 days later 

See what I mean about that Mom life busyness? =P As I was saying...I have a hard time with the change that comes with her growing up. A few tears escape pretty much every time we do something for the first time. But I also feel so proud to watch her master these new things. It's always as if she just decides she can do something and does it! So many emotions that come with Mommyhood. How have all you mommies out there survived all this time?! I feel like my heart will just grow right out of my chest every time I look at her.

Basically, this is just an update to say that I'm still mooning over here about motherhood and cherishing every single second because they are going way too fast already! Every day she's growing more, needing me a little less, and tomorrow she'll be off to college.

Here's some pics from over the last 5 months just because she's cute. =)