THE TOP 4 THINGS I'VE LEARNED IN 4 WEEKS OF MOTHERHOOD

It's hard to believe it's already been 4 weeks since my baby girl came into this world and made me a mom for the first time. Yesterday made it a whole official month. And what a transforming, incredible month it has been. Here are the Top 4 things I've learned this month...

1

Such a tiny little being completely changes your life and the way you view everything. I can't watch tv or read the news the same way anymore. Anything involving children instantly makes me think about if it was MY child and brings me to tears. Everything you THINK you will or will not do BEFORE your baby is here is completely up for debate after. "I won't hold my baby all the time and spoil them" really translates to dropping whatever you are doing and running to your baby the moment they start screaming. "They'll sleep in their own bed right away" translates to pulling the bassinet as close to your bed as possible and not even being able to imagine a time in the near future that you can move your baby to their own room. 

2

Your body no longer feels like your own. The very first time I saw myself in the mirror at the hospital after giving birth, I had to do a double take in shock when I realized I didn't have a baby belly anymore. I hadn't really considered that it wouldn't be there. I attributed that initial shock to the fact to the disassociation I felt described in Thea's birth story. But I've learned that the feeling doesn't really go away. Not going to lie, there have been days I've really missed the belly. I loved being pregnant. I was really comfortable in my body during pregnancy. There was something womanly and beautiful feeling about knowing my body was doing exactly what God had created it to do. That my body could grow and nurture life. After giving birth, I expected that my body wouldn't immediately look the same. I was prepared for stretch marks and for my stomach to take some time to go down to normal. Surprisingly though, I lost all the pregnancy weight by the first week and am actually below my pre-pregnancy weight now (hooray for only gaining the "recommended" pregnancy weight and breastfeeding!) ...BUT I didn't expect how soft my stomach would be. Let's be real, I've never had a toned, hard stomach. But now I feel squishy, and my belly button feels deep, and of course the dreaded "pouch" from my C-section incision wasn't expected. So between that and the milk factory that my boobs have become, it's hard to feel at home in my body. However, my baby is completely worth all these "marks of motherhood" and I'm learning to view my body with pride. Our bodies are amazing things mommas!

3

You can google and read everything about anything but your mommy instincts truly are the best. As someone who feels like I need to look up and research basically everything (informed decisions people!) I have still found that God has given us this amazing instinct and as a mother we are going to know our child and what works for them best. Trust those instincts mommas! They are going to look different for everyone so don't compare yourself to anyone else.

4

Motherhood is the absolute best and most emotional experience of life. Nothing compares. From the overwhelming love I feel every time I look at my baby to the absurd paranoia of anything jeopardizing my baby's health and safety, I've never felt such a wide range of emotions all the time. It's an incredible thing to know that this tiny little being is completely reliant on me and that God has entrusted me to guide and direct her through life! 

 Thea Kay // 4 weeks old

THE ARRIVAL OF THEA KAY

Thea Kay Caram has arrived!

I've been wanting to record Thea's birth story while it's still fresh (ish) in my mind. I guess the story really begins on Friday, September 25. I had an appointment with my OB who, along with the high risk doctor I had been seeing for gestational diabetes, agreed that I should be induced at 39 weeks. Apparently, it's a better option for anyone with GD that isn't very tightly managed to not go past 39 weeks because there's more risk of complications at 40+ weeks. I hadn't wanted to do this unless it was necessary as I would prefer she come naturally when she was ready. My appointment on Friday was to discuss this and run some tests. My OB ran a series of tests where Thea had to meet 3 separate criteria to make sure she was prepared to even make it to 39 weeks. All the tests came back perfectly and my doctor was confident that I was pretty much ideal for induction right at 39 weeks which fell the following Monday. I felt more at peace with the induction leaving the appointment, knowing it would be better for Thea and that everything would seemingly go off without a hitch. So the induction was scheduled for Monday, September 28. It was such a weird feeling KNOWING exactly when I would meet Thea. That weekend was spent spending time together on a date night and making last minute preparations- double checking to make sure we had everything we needed once she got home, stocking up on groceries and household items, etc. Sunday night rolled around and all there was left to do was wait for morning. Around 11pm, I started having contractions. For the first time, I was having real life contractions- very different from the Braxton Hicks I had been experiencing for weeks! I couldn't believe it! I timed them throughout the night and they never got closer than 8-9 minutes apart, but I was very uncomfortable with pain radiating through my lower back and pelvis so needless to say, when they alarm went off at 4:45am, I had never fallen asleep. 

Before leaving for the hospital, I took my very last belly pic and our last picture together as a family of two. As we walked out of the door, we knew that the next time we walked through them, we'd have our baby with us. 

At the hospital, my contractions were still steady. By the time my doctor got there and checked me, I was dilated to a 4 and she said I had most likely already started early labor if I was feeling contractions also. I felt even better about an induction knowing that Thea would have come on her own naturally in a day or so anyway! And I remember thinking what a coincidence it was that it started the night before being induced and how I loved being able to add that to her birth story.

The nurse gave me an IV (way more painful than the contractions I was having at that point!) to start giving me the stuff to speed along my contractions and my doctor told me she'd be back around noon to break my water if it hadn't happened yet. For a few hours, I sat there as my contractions got stronger and closer together. Contractions had been easy to manage to that point and I had decided not to ask for an epidural unless they got strong enough that I wanted it but not until then. I would say the most pain I had felt at that point was still only a 6 or 7 on a scale of 1 to 10. My doctor came in to check on my progress a couple times and everything was moving along perfectly. 

At one point, the nurse brought in this huge peanut ball to put between my legs as I laid on my side so that it could open up my hips and keep baby's head in a good position. A contraction hit me really strong while I was using the peanut and I had the urge to turn back on my back so I could straighten out my stomach during the contraction. I had a couple friends and family in the room so I called my mom to help me get it out from under me without lifting the sheet and showing everyone my business. It took us a minute to get situated, during which time the contraction hadn't gone away and I wanted to straighten out desperately. As soon as the peanut was moved and I had flipped over, I felt a ton of liquid gush out between my legs. I told Chris that I thought my water had broke and I was all wet. Before we could even comprehend that, an excruciating painful contraction hit. They had immediately jumped from a 7 to off the scales at a 13! With the contraction came another huge gush of liquid. At this point I began crying. I didn't like being soaking wet and felt like I hadn't even had any warning to ask for an epidural before my contractions had jumped to unbearable. We called the nurse in to explain that my water had broke and I was ready for an epidural. The contractions kept coming, extremely close together (to me, it didn't even feel like half a minute went by after one ended before the next began), and with each one came another gush of liquid. When they nurse came over, she lifted my sheets and I heard her say that it wasn't my water, it was blood. I cried harder, terrified, knowing that it shouldn't have been blood gushing out like that. She checked my cervix and I was dilated to a 6 and I told her I wanted the epidural asap. She called my doctor in, as my mom and Chris each held one of my hands, trying to help me breathe through the contractions. They were agony and I just knew something was wrong. When my doctor came into the room, she checked me again and confirmed that I was dilated to a 6. She told the nurse to prepare the epidural and that it would still be a couple hours. Another contraction. More blood. My doctor decided to check me again, not knowing where the blood was coming from. In less than 1 minute, I had dilated from a 6 to a 9. Less than one minute after saying it would be a couple hours until delivery, I heard my doctor say that we needed to get this baby out and they needed to knock me out for an emergency C section right away. I looked at my husband, bawling all over again. He knew how much I had not wanted to have a c-section. I was so confused and couldn't understand how everything had changed so suddenly. Within minutes I had gone from "progressing perfectly" to "emergency c-section". 

I didn't have time to try to understand. I was devastated about a c-section but knew my baby needed out and fast. They wheeled me out of the room, telling Chris he had to stay behind. As they rushed me down the hall, I was terrified and now alone. I had no idea what to expect. Nothing was going the way it was supposed to. Next thing I knew, I was in an extremely bright room with about 10 hands touching and doing different things around me. Hands begin to strip me down, move me onto a table, put an oxygen mask on my face....I couldn't even tell what all was happening around and to me. I was in shock. A man looked down into my face telling me I was going to go to sleep and not to worry. He told me that they were going to take care of me and my baby. He told me to take 3 deep breaths.

What felt like literally one second later, I saw Chris. He was telling me everything was ok. He told me we had a baby. I didn't understand. I had just closed my eyes. I couldn't have a baby yet. He showed me the picture below. He showed me a video of our baby crying with a mask on her face. She was in NICU. She wasn't breathing correctly. I had to watch the video 3 times.

I kept asking where the baby was, confirming that I had already had her. I couldn't comprehend anything. I was dazed. Couldn't understand. Typing this just now, I am very emotional. I can't help but cry all over again. As ecstatic as I am to have my beautiful baby girl and as much as I know it was the best thing to do, even now I am sad that I didn't get to experience her being brought into this world. I didn't get to experience pushing, hearing her first cry, getting to have the first look at her as the doctor lifted her up. Instead I closed my eyes for one second and had a baby magically appear in another part of the hospital the next. I felt disassociated. I don't regret it for a moment, but I think I'll always be a little saddened by this.

It took hours before I would finally see her. After the wooziness of the anesthesia wore off and they were ready to take me to the regular room I would be staying in, they took me by NICU on the way so I could meet my baby girl for the first time. 

I can't even explain the overwhelming emotions that crashed through me when I held my baby for the first time. The sadness and disassociation I had been feeling, extreme happiness, relief, amazement- all these feelings at the same time. Finally, it was real. I had my daughter in my arms. Daddy got to hold her for the first time too. We couldn't believe how perfect and beautiful she was. They explained to me that she was in NICU because when they removed her from the sac, she came out screaming and had swallowed too much fluid which prevented her from being able to breathe properly. Her breathing had only been at 50%. But when we arrived, the oxygen mask had already been removed and she was breathing normally! They decided to still keep her overnight to monitor her blood sugar levels since I had gestational diabetes. I didn't get to stay long enough with my baby girl before they took me to my room.

The next day, we got to visit her in the NICU again and I got to feed her for the first time (they were giving her donor breast milk until I was able to start breast feeding her). 

Later that afternoon, she was able to leave NICU and stay in our room with us. We were thrilled! 

Thea is a beautiful, HEALTHY baby and we couldn't be more happy. The day she came into this world was the scariest day of my life, but also the best. My doctor still isn't sure what happened. I had an abruption. I had to look that up:

Placental abruption (abruptio placentae) is an uncommon yet serious complication of pregnancy.

The placenta is a structure that develops in the uterus during pregnancy to nourish the growing baby. If the placenta peels away from the inner wall of the uterus before delivery — either partially or completely — it's known as placental abruption. Placental abruption can deprive the baby of oxygen and nutrients and cause heavy bleeding in the mother.

Placental abruption often happens suddenly. Left untreated, placental abruption puts both mother and baby in jeopardy.

Basically, this was the risk when I had placenta previa the first trimester and had to be put on bed rest. But the previa was resolved early in my pregnancy and had not been an issue. According to my doctor, this shouldn't have happened. There were no warning signs and no risk factors. She's sent my placenta to a pathologist to find an answer.

Thea with my doctor

I am blown away when I think about God's love and protection. It's heartbreaking to think about what would have happened had I not gone ahead with scheduling the induction. Had I not already been at the hospital and this had happened at home, we wouldn't have made it to the hospital in time. I talked to my doctor about it the next day and she agreed that it would have had a much different outcome. I can't even think about that without breaking down. So even though I didn't want an induction at first, never wanted a c section at all, and ended up with both...I know that it was in God's perfect plan. He knew what would need to happen.

Excited when we were finally released to go home Thursday evening.

 Being a mom is absolutely the best thing in the world. My heart is so full. She is absolutely perfect and the most beautiful baby in the world. Today already marks one whole week! I'm desperately praying for time to slow down. Every single time I look at my baby girl, I am blown away by the fact that she is mine and God chose me to be her mom. I don't know that I'll ever get over it. I'm a bit obsessed with her. It's only been a week and already I can't imagine life without her.